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Like a mother to me...

Discussion in 'Support' started by Miss_K_Katz, Feb 20, 2018.

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  1. Miss_K_Katz
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    Miss_K_Katz Member

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    There is a wonderful lady who had taken me out of a bad situation and helped me immensely, and is like the Mother I never had.

    She is in my life almost every day in some small form. She is a Non-Vegan and I have tried to tell her I am Vegan but whenever she visits she leaves dinners she's made and food she's bought covered in cheese or with dairy ingredients or egg products. I'm a very vocal Vegan and I feel like she's doing it to pressure me out of it and to hide dissatisfaction with my decision in her 'generosity' of feeding me.

    I am always extremely grateful for her care but I don't know how to approach it. I'm a hypocrite in her eyes if I waste the food. If I throw it away without saying that I have discarded it I feel like she'll assume I'm eating it, which I don't want but I also don't want to insult her as she would say it's kindness on her part.

    How can I talk to her about this in an effective and kind way? I've already given her detailed reasons as to why I'm Vegan and am constantly reminding her. I just feel like it's a passive aggressive statement to say that she doesn't believe I won't give in so that her ego can get relief for her guilt over eating non-vegan food by me eating what she sneaks into my house.

    I feel pent up about it because I feel it's disingenuous, even though I know in every other way she is so generous and kind. I get the impression that she wants to hold it over my head as something to tell people publicly if I say I don't want something because of it's immorality. I am very serious that it's not going to happen and it's just making me sad because I love her so much and that it's just mean what she is doing :(.
     
  2. Lux
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    Lux Member

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    Tricky situation for sure, but maybe you could ask if you could cook together instead? That way she can still feel like she's doing something very "practical" for you (which people sometimes need to do, when they feel like they can't control anything else) but you could introduce her to things and meals that you DO eat?
     
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  3. Miss_K_Katz
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    Miss_K_Katz Member

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    Thank you for taking the time to help me out by respnding :)

    I definitly think that going forward that's a great idea and I will definitely be trying it.

    I thought of a small solution maybe for if she leaves food when she visits is to return it to her and just tell her that I am appreiciative of it but the ingredients aren't in allignent with my morals.

    I know that giving her back the food means she will eat it most likely which obviously is difficult for me, but my logic in this is, that she will see the food that she has given and that I have rejected it and will be more likely to make her think actively on consuming it herself?

    Thank you again, I really appreciate the thoughts! :)
     
  4. Rich
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    Rich New Member

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    I totally agree that's a tough situation, although I do think it's surprisingly common for people to try and push you to stray from your morals when it comes to veganism. All I can really recommend is that you consistently remind her (when necessary) that you are vegan and be super proud of it! Like Lux said, it would perhaps be really cool if you could find a way to enjoy it together :)
     
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  5. Veganite
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    Veganite Super Moderator Staff Member

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    I thought for a second, what would I do if I were in your shoes...

    Suggestion #1/
    There is nothing better than education. If you can find a copy of Forks over Knives, maybe give her a copy or loan it to her to watch, or even sit down and watch it with her. I'm just thinking if she better understands why you make these choices, that she might lighten up on the non-vegan generosity.

    Suggestion #2/ My mom always told me the truth is always the best policy. Without being rude, just sit and talk to her about it. If she cares about you as much as it would seem, she should understand this.

    Suggestion #3/ For me, sometimes I articulate better in writing than with spoken words. Maybe try writing her a heartfelt letter, explaining how you feel. You can edit your words as much and for as long as you like before giving it to her to read. It certainly doesn't have to be a 1000 word essay...just something in a polite way that can be worded exactly how you like.
     
  6. Miss_K_Katz
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    Miss_K_Katz Member

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    Thank you for taking the time to respond Rich & Veganite!

    She came over today actually and as an update to what I had written, I did exactly what was said and in that positive way which you had mentioned Rich, funnily enough!

    She seemed a little dismissive in her tone and body language, but I held my pride together and behaved with optimism and without fear and I feel it went the best it could've done.

    And Veganite thank you too! I definitely think th literature is a good idea, she does enjoy reading and I think she woud respond best to that suggestion for sure.

    The other suggestions are also great and if the literature doesn't work I will be refferring back to those suggestions!

    I will keep the positive vegan energy with her and see how I fare! I only have optimism and feel that she'll respond more positively over time. :)

    Thank you again and I hope you are keeping well! All my love to you both! :)
     
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