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Stand alone vegan

Discussion in 'Support' started by standalonevegan, Aug 2, 2018.

  1. standalonevegan

    standalonevegan Member

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    I’ve been a vegetarian for about 7 or 8 years and a vegan for the past 4 or 5. My wife was also vegetarian and my daughter was raised that way as well. I try not to fight over specifics of my daughter’s plant based diet, even though I wanted her to be raised vegan, I thought if I let go she would most likely side with it later on when she can see deeper into that lifestyle and make her own decisions.

    Several months ago my wife incorporated eggs into her diet, I thought it was just baking, but then found out they were eating eggs every morning (her and my daughter) That was rough for me but I gave it time and tried to be less controlling once again. My daughter(3.5 years old) has more recently been refusing to eat the eggs.

    I could take this post a lot deeper and detailed but just want to list the basics.

    My wife thinks it’s healthier for her(and our daughter) if they start eating more of the ‘humane’ type non-vegan food. Organic, free-range, no hormones, etc etc.. I tell her, and pardon my frankness, it all comes out as brown poop – the body knows what to do with any food source.

    She’s really worried I’m going to leave our family or divorce her (I can be a little unreasonable at times)

    I’m just feeling a little lost and just shocked that I never thought it would come to this. She was a big advocate for plant based diet when we first started dating. She immediately started eating vegetarian with me and even saw herself as a mucous-less diet eater down the road (fruits, nuts, vegetables)

    In the end we had a bit of an argument about it yesterday. She said she just wants to be able to enjoy her food since she doesn’t have such a large taste pallet like me, she doesn’t like a lot of stuff and wants to make sure she’s doing what’s right for her. I said I never thought being vegan was going to be easy or is for everyone but for me it was necessary and I had always thought that was her path as well.

    She mentioned I probably wouldn’t have married her had she not been at least vegetarian at which I had no comment.

    Oh, and a book is in the process of being written. I want to help others in this situation as I know first hand how hard it can be. I come from a family of hunters and weight lifters. The comments and prods at my diet never end.

    I will admit I’m not your normal vegan as well. I am accompanying an old friend on his mountain goat hunt this fall. I will be filming this ‘once in a life time hunt’ for him as well as more of a documentary for my own intentions. I want to use it to extend an olive branch to the vegan haters out there. I know it sounds crazy for me to be doing this but I don’t believe in coincidences and the way this all happened just makes sense to me. And it probably won’t to most vegans until they see it on film.

    Please let me know if I’m out of line or offending anyone here. I come in peace.
     
  2. Kellyr

    Kellyr Active Member

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    Sounds to me like you were just needing to vent.

    Your wife sounds like she's co-dependent. I can only speak to this as I've been there myself. That she told you she thought you wouldn't have married her unless she became vegetarian was what set off the red light for me. I cannot tell you how many times I morphed my ideals in order to impress a partner and get them to like me or want to be with me. Such examples might be like I don't really care about motorcycles and the culture, but if some guy I was dating was "in" to it, then I'd transform myself to be a biker b*tch just to appease him.

    I don't do that kind of thing anymore since I've learned that it's best for everyone involved to learn to love and accept me for who I really am and I get to do the same with the people who come into my life, too. It's NEVER fun to find out someone actually hates something you love after they participated in such activities with you for a long period of time.

    Some calm communication might be needed between you and your wife. Maybe even counseling might be beneficial, especially as you have a young daughter to consider, too. Of course have an honest discussion around eggs - why she feels they're nutritionally important now.

    You sound like you're not completely black and white about issues surrounding veganism as you're willing to participate in that hunt with your friend (even if it's just to observe.) So I could see this approach being used with your wife, too.

    Everyone's threshold for these kinds of things is different. You may hear some people say what your wife is doing is unacceptable and that they'd never put up with it. You may also hear others say "no big deal, my spouse still eats meat." The beauty of it all is this is your life so you get to start weighing out what's important to you and what's not such a big deal and make those decisions for yourself. You don't have to do what someone else tells you to do.

    Coming back to your wife's co-dependence, however, I do think that would be something pretty important for her to address, because if she's twisting herself into a pretzel to try to keep you in her life, eggs might not be the only thing she's compromising on, and other resentments may start to surface as a result.

    Be forewarned, however, that if she starts working on herself, it doesn't magically mean she'll return to veganism or she'll make you happy. It can be a bumpy road coming to our own truths.
     
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  3. standalonevegan

    standalonevegan Member

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    I definitely need to vent. But I can't even talk to her about it at this time. She likes to talk about things immediately thinking it appeases me or has to know we're 'okay' but the conversation quickly turns to her start reaching to find explanations rather than her simply admit she loves fast food.

    When stuff like this happens I tend to look inward for an answer or guidance. It's not often I look other places. But it occurred to me this morning that there's probably a forum for that.There are changes I myself would like to make and have probably been putting off. Now I have motivation to follow through with some things. And also with my friend's hunt, he doesn't know it yet but bringing me along may even end up as 'bad luck' and can turn that 100% success rate of hunts there to 99%. whoops ;)
     
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  4. Kellyr

    Kellyr Active Member

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    Yep. Co-dependent.

    Reasoning things out with other people can be helpful at times. It's amazing how many things my mind convinces me of as being the only answer, and then I talk with someone else and they suddenly provide a completely different perspective that has me going "Huh! That's perfect! Why didn't I think of that??"

    And careful with your friend - I hear those mountain goat hunts really are a big deal to those participating, so if you bring some bad luck with you, make sure he doesn't find you're the cause. There could be hell to pay. ;)
     
  5. Veganite
    Artistic

    Veganite Super Moderator Staff Member

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    Welcome to the forum, standalonevegan!

    What about showing her the science? The science would suggest eggs are not healthy for us. Does she care about her health or it just because she likes the taste of eggs? It's hard to argue with solid facts. If these are now food addictions, this is also something of a different nature. Food addictions are not so easy to fix.

    Doctor Greger has a plethora of videos on the subject, which most link to the studies and science behind the videos. I'm not sure if that will help, but sometimes education can point people in the right direction.

    There's two aspects of education here you can approach. First of all, the health aspect, which has plenty of science to back it up. Regardless of whether they're backyard and local, the science would still suggest they are not healthy at all, and in any amount. Secondly, there's the ethical aspect of education. Many people think because they're buying local eggs they're somehow healthier and ethical. There's plenty of information on how this is still wrong and unethical. I'm sure you already know all this, but my point here is education. Hopefully, you can help her see the light here.

    Another thing I suggest doing is writing her a heartfelt letter, that explains exactly what you're feeling. I'm no counselor, but I've found that writing things out helps a lot. Much like you vented here, it gives you a chance to articulate exactly what you want to say, rather than winging it on the fly, and have it escalate into an argument.

    https://www.youtube.com/user/NutritionFactsOrg/search?query=eggs

    Food for thought. I'm not sure if any of this will help, but hopefully she will get the big picture here, eventually. Best of luck!

     
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  6. standalonevegan

    standalonevegan Member

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    Reasoning things out is especially hard with some people, the person in question tends to go to iamrightdotcom to find information. Basically googling the answer and finding information that supports.

    You are right about that, I thought about including some commentary that the meat eaters haven't got there goat yet and I think I might be dinner.
     
  7. standalonevegan

    standalonevegan Member

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    I'm not sure why I can't respond to you directly quoted @Veganite --something was being flagged

    Thanks for the insight. Unfortunately it's not a science or fact thing, it is a food addiction. I've tried to talk emotionally/morally about it with her and even tried the Gary what's his name approach "an egg is eating a chicken period" and "why is this stuff good enough for your stomach but not for your eyes/mind?"

    This has been a long thing coming with her. She's basically done a 180, she tried to no avail to convert and explain this stuff to her mom and people. I was never a huge advocate/activist with it.. I understood it's a heart decision and have found that most people I talk to choose there own facts/sources and try to render mine biased.

    I don't expect conformity so I'm trying to get her to not expect confrontation. I try to avoid it when I can but sometimes it's the little buddies speaking through me. It will all be awhile until things set in with me and I can think from less of a fight or flight mentality.
     
  8. Veganite
    Artistic

    Veganite Super Moderator Staff Member

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    Food addictions are complex and not easily treated. It sounds to me that you might want to try counseling, if possible. However, as a couple, that takes two people to recognize a problem, and a willingness to work through it. Also, this could easily be biased without the right counselor in your corner. I've had friends go to counselors that were just awful.

    I've also struggled with food addictions. I also watched my mom eat herself to death, basically, from food addiction. She fed her depression with food, and as much as we all loved her, she just couldn't help herself. She died from a massive heart attack before age 60. So I know for a fact that food addictions are very complex and sometimes extraordinarily difficult to treat.

    It's kinda like someone that smokes cigarettes. You can say all you want about how bad they are for their health, but for someone to quit, they ultimately have to want to, and be prepared to give it their best effort, which is easier said than done when you have an addiction.

    I wish I had more answers, but this is such a complex issue. Again, best of luck!


    *
     
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  9. Sho

    Sho Member

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    I have seen a lot of vegans that won’t date meat eaters or none vegans. Did she become a vegetarian just because you did? Just like you stated earlier about her not thinking you would of married her. I mean if this kinda stuff is a deal breaker for you then I guess you have choices to make.
     
  10. NewestCanadianVegan

    NewestCanadianVegan New Member

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    I have two children - a boy almost 14 and a daughter almost 11; I happen to be a single parent. Neither one of them were raised as vegetarians/vegans, but they understand the choices that their Mum has made and why. At first, I was conflicted - did I want to take them along on the vegan ride or not? After much soul searching, I have decided that the choice will be left up to the both of them. To my way of thinking, since they were not raised that way they've not grown up with a true understanding of what this lifestyle means and the commitments one needs to make. Personally, if a vegan lifestyle is in either of their futures, I want it to be *their*own decision and not just because *I* made them do it or they were afraid of what I'd think of them if they chose not to. A true commitment to this way of living cannot be real if it comes from a place of "because I said so" - not in their case. I have vegan friends, and non vegan ones - I do not claim moral superiority over my meat eating friends, nor do I tolerate my vegan circle cutting others down. As for the situation at the start of this thread - don't think for a second that a 3 and a half year old can't pick up on tension and conflict between their parents; they can and it's no good for anyone. Sometimes you just have to sit down (as the two parents that you are) and each of you lay your cards on the table - not being honest about your feelings and lacking an open line of communication will only make the issue worse. It's such a drain of positive energy that *could* go towards finding a happy medium (and some boundaries) that both of you can co-exist with as you raise her.
     
  11. Emma JC
    Joyful

    Emma JC Active Member

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    I think that the difference between 'vegan lifestyle' and eating a plant-based (vegan) diet must be pointed out.

    I agree that your children must be free to choose veganism, as a lifestyle, when they are old enough to do so, however, while they are in your care and you are feeding them, why would you feed them any animal products?

    I also agree completely with not judging others for their decisions.

    Emma JC
     
  12. NewestCanadianVegan

    NewestCanadianVegan New Member

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    They were never raised vegan/vegetarian...I myself am transitioning to a completely vegan lifestyle, but am not *quite* there yet. I am fortunate to have two cooks in my kids - if they want a different version of what I happen to be having that night all I usually have to do is point out where things are, supervise from a dining room chair and let them have at it. That being said, my oldest son has recently informed me that he would like to go vegetarian - a move that I will support him 100% for. However, further into the conversation he also stated that he is not 100% comfortable with the idea of being completely vegan yet-to which I said that I understood that and backed his decision.

    Naturally, his little sister (who adores (? - LOL) ) her big brother has also said she wishes to at least explore a more vegetarian diet. After making sure this is what she wanted, I explained that I was proud of this small step she was taking; after consulting with their pediatrician (both are 100% healthy) we are looking into taking a class together on vegetarian/vegan cooking run through our local community college; exciting time for sure!
     
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  13. Emma JC
    Joyful

    Emma JC Active Member

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    Very exciting!

    Making a journey like this together is a great way to function as a family. Everyone learns how to affect their health, how to affect the environment and how to take care of the animals that surround us.

    All the best to you and your family.

    Emma JC
     
  14. veganDreama

    veganDreama Active Member

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    I used to have cravings for fried egg but I managed to get over it. I hope your wife does too.
     
  15. Sally
    Joyful

    Sally Active Member

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    I'm married to a carnivore, I don't know how I'd feel if we had a young child and he was feeding animal products to him/her. It's one of those culture clashes. You know your daughter would be healthier on a vegan diet, her mother believes she needs traditional 'good food'. Maybe, after reassuring your wife that you would have married her even if she was a cannibal, you could come to some compromise on how you all eat.

    If you are vegan from an animal point of view, then educating your daughter in a non-scary way, would be the way forward, in the meantime let her eat eggs.

    If you are vegan from a health point of view, then that is harder, as you will be emotional about what your loved ones are eating because you are worrying about their health. Like if they were smoking or drinking to excess.

    I have tried not to impose my veganism on my husband, as a result he is trying more and more vegan meals and is quite proud when he has eaten an entirely vegan meal. We are in the early days. Don't risk a marriage for the sake of an ideology. The movement is gaining momentum, one day everyone will be vegan. Just be patient, and cherish each other, and be happy.
     

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