Suicide: What to say?

[Wolfie]

I saw an acquaintance today and learned her daughter had committed suicide about 8 months ago. I knew about this young person's death when it happened but didn't realize this was her mother. I was surprised and of course said how sorry I was to hear, but I will see this person again tomorrow and feel like I should say something else. I just don't know what.

 

[KLS52]

I'm not sure why you feel the need to say something further. Is it because you were caught off guard and you feel like your response was too brief or generic? I suppose you could reiterate your condolences and add that you did not realize this person was the mother of the deceased girl. I guess it depends on what circumstance you are seeing this woman again.

 

[Mischief]

I agree that, if you expressed your condolences, there's no need to say anything further. A suicide is a death which should be treated as any other death in offering condolences.

 

[Joe]

There is more that you can (and possibly should) say.

You could try researching grief support or grief therapy groups available in your area. I think many bereaved people will find these valuable. And I think there is empirical evidence of this. There were a number of studies of the families of the people who died in the infamous Cocoanut Grove fire, "the scene of the deadliest nightclub fire in history. " These families were divided into two groups: the first group were left to fend for themselves, the second group were provided with brief psychotherapy. Then the two groups were studied over a period of up to ten years. The result was that the second group did remarkably better in adjusting to their loss than the first group.

See: Cocoanut Grove fire - Wikipedia, the free encyclopedia

If you can tell this woman about such support groups in your area, you would be doing her a kindness.

I disagree that suicides are just like any other deaths. There is a thing called the NASH scale, which is short for Natural, Accidental, Suicide, Homicide, which lists the kind of deaths in order of the difficulty of bereavement, from least difficult to most difficult. Suicides are the second most difficult deaths to cope with, exceeded only by homicides.

 

[FortyTwo]

I don't know, I feel like going up to someone you don't know super well and offering all these in-depth things is a bit much. I wouldn't bring it up unless she approached the subject herself. They may be useful support, but how do you know she needs it? Maybe she's already working through her grief and you'd just be throwing salt on a wound she's trying to heal.

My guess is, with something this horrible, she's probably used to brief, awkward reactions from people who find out, because that's how people usually react to that sort of thing. After all, what more is there to say without dragging out the subject? Just my opinion - I'd stay quiet about it unless she brings it up, in which case I'd be ready to offer support like the above.

 

[RascalsMom]

I don't know, I feel like going up to someone you don't know super well and offering all these in-depth things is a bit much. I wouldn't bring it up unless she approached the subject herself. They may be useful support, but how do you know she needs it? Maybe she's already working through her grief and you'd just be throwing salt on a wound she's trying to heal.

My guess is, with something this horrible, she's probably used to brief, awkward reactions from people who find out, because that's how people usually react to that sort of thing. After all, what more is there to say without dragging out the subject? Just my opinion - I'd stay quiet about it unless she brings it up, in which case I'd be ready to offer support like the above.

This. You already offered your condolences... Unless she brings it up, I wouldn't say anything else about it. Talking about it again could just upset her, as well.
And most people don't want that type of support from someone they aren't that close to.

 

[shyvas]

I also agree with what has been said. You have already expressed how sorry you are and it may be not a good idea to bring the topic up.

I think that any death due to homicide or suicide must be even worse for a parent.

 

[Mischief]

There is more that you can (and possibly should) say.

You could try researching grief support or grief therapy groups available in your area. I think many bereaved people will find these valuable. And I think there is empirical evidence of this. There were a number of studies of the families of the people who died in the infamous Cocoanut Grove fire, "the scene of the deadliest nightclub fire in history. " These families were divided into two groups: the first group were left to fend for themselves, the second group were provided with brief psychotherapy. Then the two groups were studied over a period of up to ten years. The result was that the second group did remarkably better in adjusting to their loss than the first group.

See: Cocoanut Grove fire - Wikipedia, the free encyclopedia

If you can tell this woman about such support groups in your area, you would be doing her a kindness.

I disagree that suicides are just like any other deaths. There is a thing called the NASH scale, which is short for Natural, Accidental, Suicide, Homicide, which lists the kind of deaths in order of the difficulty of bereavement, from least difficult to most difficult. Suicides are the second most difficult deaths to cope with, exceeded only by homicides.

As someone who has experienced the suicides of more than a handful of family members and others to whom I was close, I can tell you that people who treat the suicide of someone you love as a novelty or an opportunity to educate you about the resources available to you are not doing you a kindness. Yes, it's a particularly harsh form of grief with which one has to deal, but having people to whom one is not particularly close try to "educate" one is not at all helpful. Almost two decades after a murder/suicide in my immediate family, my memory is still extremely clear as to who reacted with the natural compassion with the death of any loved one and who reacted as though the situation was some sort of interesting or shocking story. The latter individuals went down in my estimation and no longer number among my friends or even among my friendly acquaintances.

 

[KLS52]

(((((Mischief)))))

 

[Mischief]

(((((Mischief)))))

Thank you.

I have to say that almost everyone reacted with great grace and compassion. The experience taught me, to an extent I had not fully realized prior to that, the vital role of a community of friends and family coming together to survive great tragedy.

 

[FortyTwo]

 

[Katrina]

I agree that you shouldn't bring it up again.

I think that most people know how to do a google search to look for resources, either that or they'll ask their friends and family for recommendations. If they want advice from anyone else they'll ask for it.

 

[Joe]

Wow. Well, I disagree with Mischief and the others who find offering information to be somehow condescending.

My girlfriend researched grief support groups for me after my mother died. She pointed me in the direction of a local group.
I had no idea such groups existed, much less about how to go about finding one. I believe I benefited greatly from what this group had to offer.

 

[AeryFairy]

I think that as it's an acquaintance, and it was 8 months ago, I wouldn't bring it up again unless they do.

But you've now seen this person since you posted the thread? How did it go? (Unless you don't want to say)

 

[BronwynMendoza]

Wow. Well, I disagree with Mischief and the others who find offering information to be somehow condescending.

My girlfriend researched grief support groups for me after my mother died. She pointed me in the direction of a local group.
I had no idea such groups existed, much less about how to go about finding one. I believe I benefited greatly from what this group had to offer.

Aye but that was your girlfriend offering help and guidance - not a casual acquaintance.

 

[RascalsMom]

Wow. Well, I disagree with Mischief and the others who find offering information to be somehow condescending.

My girlfriend researched grief support groups for me after my mother died. She pointed me in the direction of a local group.
I had no idea such groups existed, much less about how to go about finding one. I believe I benefited greatly from what this group had to offer.

The difference is that was your girlfriend.. The op doesn't seem close to this lady at all - she didn't even know this was her child. It's also been the better part of a year.

 

[FortyTwo]

Also, consider that this was just your situation.

It's great that this information helped you, but for some people it might come off as condescending or reductive.

 

[Second Summer]

I suppose if she was still completely and utterly miserable after 8 months it's possible that she would consider advice from someone who is not a close friend or family. It would depend on her particular circumstances, really, and how the advice was presented.

 

[Clueless Git]

Sometimes, I think, you just have to ask people to forgive you for not being able to understand the full depths of how what has happened to them must feel like.