We start off with some internet classics:
HOW TO GIVE A CAT A PILL
1. Pick the cat up and cradle it in the crook of your left arm as if
holding a baby. Position right forefinger and thumb on either side
of cat's mouth and gently apply pressure to cheeks while holding
pill in right hand. As cat opens mouth, pop pill into mouth. Allow
cat to close mouth and swallow.
2. Retrieve pill from floor and cat from behind sofa. Cradle cat in
left arm and repeat process.
3. Retrieve cat from bedroom, and throw away soggy pill.
4. Take a new pill from the bottle, cradle cat in left arm holding rear
paws tightly with left hand. Force jaws open and push pill to back of
mouth with right forefinger. Hold mouth shut for a count of ten.
5. Retrieve pill from goldfish bowl and cat from atop the armoire.
Call spouse from garden.
6. Kneel on floor with cat wedged firmly between knees, hold front and
rear paws. Ignore low growls emitted by cat. Get spouse to hold head
firmly with one hand while forcing wooden ruler into mouth. Drop pill
down ruler and rub cat's throat vigorously.
7. Retrieve cat from curtain rod, get another pill from the bottle. Make
note to buy new ruler and curtains. Carefully sweep shattered figurines
and vases from hearth and set to one side for repairing.
8. Wrap cat in large towel and get spouse to lie on cat with head just
visible from below armpit. Put pill in end of drinking straw, force mouth
open with pencil and blow down drinking straw.
9. Check label to make sure pill not harmful to humans, drink a beer to
take away the taste. Apply Band-Aid to spouse's forearm and remove blood
from carpet with soap and cold water.
10. Retrieve cat from neighbor's shed. Get another pill. Open another beer.
Place cat in cupboard and close door onto neck to leave head showing.
Force mouth open with spoon. Flick pill down throat with a rubber band.
11. Fetch screwdriver from garage and put cupboard door back on hinges.
Drink another beer. Fetch bottle of Scotch. Pour shot, drink. Apply cold
compress to cheek and check records for date of last tetanus shot. Apply
whiskey compress to cheek to disinfect. Toss back another shot. Throw
T-shirt in trash and put on another one.
12. Call the fire department to get the damn cat from the tree across the
street. Apologize to neighbor who crashed into fence while swerving to
avoid hitting the cat.
13. Tie the *******'s front paws to rear paws with duct tape and bind tightly
to leg of table. Find heavy-duty pruning gloves from the shed. Push pill
into mouth followed by a large piece of steak. Hold head vertically and
pour two pints of water down throat to wash pill down.
14. Consume remainder of Scotch. Get spouse to drive you to the emergency
room, sit quietly while doctor stitches fingers and forearm and removes
pill remnants from right eye. Call furniture shop on the way home to
order a new table.
15. Call and make arrangements for Humane Society to collect mutant cat
from hell. Call the animal shelter and see if they have any hamsters.
HOW TO GIVE A DOG A PILL
1. Wrap it in bacon.
EXCERPTS FROM A DOG'S DIARY
Day number 180
8:00 AM - OH BOY! DOG FOOD! MY FAVORITE!
9:30 AM - OH BOY! A CAR RIDE! MY FAVORITE!
9:40 AM - OH BOY! A WALK! MY FAVORITE!
10:30 AM - OH BOY! A CAR RIDE! MY FAVORITE!
11:30 AM - OH BOY! DOG FOOD! MY FAVORITE!
12:00 PM - OH BOY! THE KIDS! MY FAVORITE!
1:00 PM - OH BOY! THE YARD! MY FAVORITE!
4:00 PM - OH BOY! THE KIDS! MY FAVORITE!
5:00 PM - OH BOY! DOG FOOD! MY FAVORITE!
5:30 PM - OH BOY! MOM! MY FAVORITE!
Day number 181
8:00 AM - OH BOY! DOG FOOD! MY FAVORITE!
9:30 AM - OH BOY! A CAR RIDE! MY FAVORITE!
9:40 AM - OH BOY! A WALK! MY FAVORITE!
10:30 AM - OH BOY! A CAR RIDE! MY FAVORITE!
11:30 AM - OH BOY! DOG FOOD! MY FAVORITE!
12:00 PM - OH BOY! THE KIDS! MY FAVORITE!
1:00 PM - OH BOY! THE YARD! MY FAVORITE!
4:00 PM - OH BOY! THE KIDS! MY FAVORITE!
5:00 PM - OH BOY! DOG FOOD! MY FAVORITE!
5:30 PM - OH BOY! MOM! MY FAVORITE!
EXCERPTS FROM A CAT'S DIARY
DAY 752 - My captors continue to taunt me with bizarre little dangling objects.
They dine lavishly on fresh meat, while I am forced to eat dry cereal.
The only thing that keeps me going is the hope of escape, and the mild
satisfaction I get from ruining the occasional piece of furniture.
Tomorrow I may eat another houseplant.
DAY 761 - Today my attempt to kill my captors by weaving around their feet while
they were walking almost succeeded, must try this at the top of the
stairs. In an attempt to disgust and repulse these vile oppressors, I
once again induced myself to vomit on their favorite chair...must try
this on their bed.
DAY 765 - Decapitated a mouse and brought them the headless body, in attempt to
make them aware of what I am capable of, and to try to strike fear into
their hearts. They only cooed and condescended about what a good little
cat I was...Hmmm. Not working according to plan.
DAY 768 - I am finally aware of how sadistic they are. For no good reason I was
chosen for the water torture. This time however it included a burning
foamy chemical called "shampoo." What sick minds could invent such a
liquid. My only consolation is the piece of thumb still stuck between
my teeth.
DAY 771 - There was some sort of gathering of their accomplices. I was placed in
solitary throughout the event. However, I could hear the noise and smell
the foul odor of the glass tubes they call "beer.." More importantly I
overheard that my confinement was due to MY power of "allergies." Must
learn what this is and how to use it to my advantage.
DAY 774 - I am convinced the other captives are flunkies and maybe snitches. The
dog is routinely released and seems more than happy to return. He is
obviously a half-wit. The bird on the other hand has got to be an informant,
and speaks with them regularly. I am certain he reports my every move.
Due to his current placement in the metal room his safety is assured. But
I can wait, it is only a matter of time.
Cat Haiku
You never feed me.
Perhaps I'll sleep on your face.
That will show you.
I need a new toy.
Tail of black dog keeps good time.
Pounce! Good dog! Good dog!
The rule for today:
Touch my tail, I shred your hand.
New rule tomorrow.
In deep sleep hear sound
Cat vomit hairball somewhere
Will find in morning
Grace personified,
I leap into the window.
I meant to do that.
Blur of motion, then
Silence, me, a paper bag.
What is so funny?
The mighty hunter
Returns with gifts of plump birds
Your foot just squashed one
You're always typing.
Well, let's see you ignore my
Sitting on your hands.
My small cardboard box.
You cannot see me if I
Can hide my head. There.
Small brave carnivores
Kill pine cones and mosquitoes
Fear vacuum cleaner
Want to trim my claws?
Don't even think about it!
My cries will wake the dead.
Want to go outside.
Oh, no! Help! I got outside!
Let me back inside!
Oh no! my Human
has been trapped by newspaper!
Cat to the rescue!
Humans are so strange.
Mine lies still in bed, then screams!
My claws aren't that sharp ...
Litter box not here
You must have moved it again
I'll crap in the sink.
I want to be close
To you. Can I fit my head
inside your armpit?
The Big Ones snore now
Every room is dark and cold
time for "Cup Hockey"
We're almost equals
I purr to show I love you
Want to smell my butt?
