Finding the perfect man

[Urban Gardener]

Yes, so do I even though I wear my wedding ring when I'm out.

I get hit on by men quite a lot, not many vegans or vegetarians as far as I know, though. I don't even think I'm that attractive but last time I went to a concert I had six men approach me.

If my husband died or we got divorced I don't think I would specifically look for a vegan partner.



Yes, that is true. Men do seem to go for younger women. Maybe because they are more naive and accept older men because they think they will protect them.

I think people who aren't trying to impress anyone are usually more attractive. You come across as confident and authentic. The feeling of attraction can stir up self-doubt and a tendency to put up a pretense. Like when you dress up a bit because you really like someone and then feel a bit silly and wonder how it comes across. Then you're not being yourself and living in the moment, and people pick up on that.

I get asked out by people who I like as friends. When I have a crush on someone, I act more shy and it's understandably off-putting.

I need to find the switch in my brain that controls crushes so I can just put it on the OFF setting when I'm talking to that person for the first time.

-----

I actually really like older men. I like men who are mature. That's attractive to me.

My problem is more often the social baggage that comes with that. People always think you're both up to no good. We know all the stereotypes. That kind of judgment can put a strain on a relationship. I'm looking for that one guy who will see that for what it is and won't let it be an issue.

 

[Raven]

I think people who aren't trying to impress anyone are usually more attractive. You come across as confident and authentic.

Aw, what a nice thing to say. You also seem a very interesting and likeable person.

 

[Urban Gardener]

Aw, what a nice thing to say. You also seem a very interesting and likeable person.

Thank you!

I also meant it in the generic sense, like when one isn't trying to impress anyone, they come across as more confident and genuine than when they actually, say, have a crush. And that's the reason people are often attracted to those who aren't in the market (people in relationships, people who are committed to being single, co-workers, neighbors . . . and so on.)

But you do seem confident and authentic!

 

[Raven]

I also meant it in the generic sense, like when one isn't trying to impress anyone, they come across as more confident and genuine than when they actually, say, have a crush.

Oh, okay, flattery to me taken back. I see, it was generic.

I won't take it personally, maybe because I'm so confident and feisty.

 

[Urban Gardener]

Oh, okay, flattery to me taken back. I see, it was generic.

I won't take it personally, maybe because I'm so confident and feisty.

No, I meant it both ways!

 

[Emma JC]

I believe it is very possible to find people when we are close to or over 40 as I found my current spouse when I was 38 and he was 43. I am very happy that we did not meet when we were younger as he is a completely different person than he was then and so am I. He had his kids, got divorced, dated a ton and learned a lot of compassion and listening skills and life skills and I had no kids, divorced, travelled, expanded my learning and growing etc and so we were both in just the right space when we met online in 2000.

I think the key is that you have to know what you're looking for and also know what you don't want. I put out a very specific ad when I found him and that worked very well. Picturing what you want is so vital. IMO

Emma JC

 

[Urban Gardener]

Yes, and experience changes what you want!

When I was younger, I wanted someone who I had a lot in common with, whose strengths and weaknesses would balance with mine (usually, he was the social butterfly and I was the nerdy one), and who shared my taste in fun - similar sense of humor and sense of adventure.

I still want those things. But I place a much higher value on how the guy treats me, how he treats other people, and how he handles his own life - whether he takes responsibility for things or makes excuses.

Once you get involved with someone, it's easy to idealize everything and it can be hard to step away. So I don't go there unless the person comes across as someone I could have a healthy relationship with. A relationship based on mutual respect, trust, honesty, and all that good stuff.

The common ground can shift over time. I now want a healthy relationship that can weather whatever life brings us.

 

[silva]

I believe it is very possible to find people when we are close to or over 40 as I found my current spouse when I was 38 and he was 43. I am very happy that we did not meet when we were younger as he is a completely different person than he was then and so am I. He had his kids, got divorced, dated a ton and learned a lot of compassion and listening skills and life skills and I had no kids, divorced, travelled, expanded my learning and growing etc and so we were both in just the right space when we met online in 2000.

I think the key is that you have to know what you're looking for and also know what you don't want. I put out a very specific ad when I found him and that worked very well. Picturing what you want is so vital. IMO

Emma JC

Yes, but they can be so hard to lose....something about being older and established can make you like velcro!

 

[VeganPoet]

I empathize completely with the struggle of finding someone that might truly appreciate who you are, in a passionate and soulful way. I struggle with this, and my last attempt was with a non-vegan that seemed interested but in the end reverted to sheeple status, choosing ignorance and disease over health and ethics. Being single as one grows older means a history of incompatible relationships, and I find I am wanting someone capable of devotion, genuineness, passion, and intellect. An enlightened vegan with critical thinking skills. Problem is, one's match is likely to be thousands of miles away. But that's life for a deep and romantic person, the giant future carrot always tantalizing, Coyote Trickster laughing. Yet, being vegan means a deep connection is very possible, I think. So says the Poet with a 100% failure rate. ;-)

 

[Emma JC]

Miles really don't mean anything - my spouse and I were over 360 miles apart and the day we decided to meet, we met in the middle and we were a couple from that day forward, 20 years ago. He sold everything and moved in my direction and then life took us back toward his hometown and we have moved back forth 2 or 3 times more since then.

Years before that I met an Englishman, not online, and he was willing to move to Canada to be with me. Fortunately we realized we were not a good fit before either of us made a move in either direction.

If you do meet someone you seem to be sympatico with, either online or in person, you really need to spend time together before making moving decisions. I also flew to Montana from Ontario once, for a weekend, to meet someone I met online, we did not work out either and it was worth making the flight to be sure.

Challenge is that these days, with Covid, it is more challenging both to meet in person and to travel, and yet with facetiming, zoom etc you can get a pretty good insight into how someone lives and reacts to life.

I was 39 and my spouse was 44 when we met so there is lots of hope!

Emma JC

 

[shyvas]

Miles really don't mean anything - my spouse and I were over 360 miles apart and the day we decided to meet, we met in the middle and we were a couple from that day forward, 20 years ago. He sold everything and moved in my direction and then life took us back toward his hometown and we have moved back forth 2 or 3 times more since then.


I was 39 and my spouse was 44 when we met so there is lots of hope!

Emma JC

How did you date and get to know each other before making the decision of moving in together ?

 

[Urban Gardener]

I have a few unactionable crushes right now. The guys I feel attracted to happen not to be available (no relation to the crush, just coincidence). So I'm meditating on what makes me feel attracted to these guys, what I admire about them, and what I can learn from that, what it says about my own values and the choices I should make accordingly.

I find that who I'm attracted to says a lot about my own aspirations and short-comings. I'm usually attracted to people who I want to be more like in some ways and who also share some of my weak points. So I think unactionable crushes can be a good reflection on where to go next - how to improve yourself and your life.

 

[shyvas]

I have a few unactionable crushes right no whe guys I feel attracted to happen not to be available. T (no relation to the crush, just coincidence). So I'm meditating on what makes me feel attracted to these guys, what I admire about them, and what I can learn from that, what it says about my own values and the choices I should make accordingly.

I can't handle more than one at a time.

 

[Deleted member 3018]

I can't handle more than one at a time.

I have never had a crush.
And I'm 30 years old...

 

[Emma JC]

How did you date and get to know each other before making the decision of moving in together ?

We spent every weekend together, driving back and forth, we spent all our time on the phone and/or email when we weren't together. It was strange, there just didn't seem to be any question about it, once we met it was a done deal and the rest was just logistics. We had spent a lot of time talking and emailing (by a lot of time I mean 12 days) and sharing our deepest desires for life and what we had learned so far.

In my ad that I put up, I had stated so specifically what I was looking for, that it was simpler to judge th results. I think it was easier back then on simple sites that didn't have so many questions or algorithms. I did kiss a lot of toads along the way tho'.


Both of us had been married, both had had lots of interactions with others along the way so it was simple as we knew what we didn't want and knew what we did want. Has it been perfect? of course not, but there isn't another person in the world that I would rather have spent the last 20 years with, especially during this time of uncertainty.

Emma JC

 

[Ohzen]

"Alles was ein Mann schöner ist als ein Affe, ist Luxus" -Tante Jolesch
"Every bit a man is more handsome than a monkey, thats luxury" -Aunt Jolesch

 

[Yugam shaj]

Finding the perfect vegan man is tough. I would love to have a guy that is a great vegan cook that is very nice and loves to hangout and have a good time.

I think i can be that guy

 

[Yugam shaj]

I'm a guy who is single from long time but after adopting veganism as my lifestyle i want to be in a relationship with any vegan girl and I don't believe in hookups and I'm very honest and loyal kind of man. And i want to love and get loved by someone special who is not yet been in my life. And my Instagram profile is yugam_shah__99 is any vegan wants to talk to me jut hmu I'll be available there always

 

[shyvas]

We spent every weekend together, driving back and forth, we spent all our time on the phone and/or email when we weren't together. It was strange, there just didn't seem to be any question about it, once we met it was a done deal and the rest was just logistics. We had spent a lot of time talking and emailing (by a lot of time I mean 12 days) and sharing our deepest desires for life and what we had learned so far.

In my ad that I put up, I had stated so specifically what I was looking for, that it was simpler to judge th results. I think it was easier back then on simple sites that didn't have so many questions or algorithms. I did kiss a lot of toads along the way tho'.


Both of us had been married, both had had lots of interactions with others along the way so it was simple as we knew what we didn't want and knew what we did want. Has it been perfect? of course not, but there isn't another person in the world that I would rather have spent the last 20 years with, especially during this time of uncertainty.

Emma JC

Luck or fate ? 12 days is certainly not a long time to get to know someone.

I like the fact that you stated what you were looking for in a man. That certainly must have frightened many men off from replying. I find some men very strange and get the r signals all wrong . I have occasionally phoned a few men I know just for a friendly chat and they have all though that it was a 'done deal'.

20 years is also quite a long time to be with someone these days and I'm happy that is has worked out for both of you.

 

[Emma JC]

Luck or fate ? 12 days is certainly not a long time to get to know someone.

I like the fact that you stated what you were looking for in a man. That certainly must have frightened many men off from replying. I find some men very strange and get the r signals all wrong . I have occasionally phoned a few men I know just for a friendly chat and they have all though that it was a 'done deal'.

20 years is also quite a long time to be with someone these days and I'm happy that is has worked out for both of you.

You're right - 12 days is not a long time, however, back then when social media was non-existent and even online dating was new, it would be the equivalent of a number of months of writing letters or occasional phone calls. I can remember emailing back and forth like we text nowadays.

My ad included the question "what is the most important sex organ in a woman" and he answered it correctly. I also stated I was looking for a man who had more tools than I did and I had a lot as I am a daughter of a mechanic and grew up in the "car business" with car crazy brothers. When I met him was just when I first read the China Study and so I was already on the path to where we are today and he didn't have any problem with that and we made this journey together, falling down, getting up, falling down and finally getting up and moving forward without looking back.

The fact that many men were frightened off was the point, of course, and it worked. I also did not include any picture other than one similar to my avatar here. Only after communicating was I willing to share pics.

In order to be "lucky" you have to do a lot of work and kiss a lot of frogs. I highly recommend being very specific if you are going to do online ads and that includes what you are willing to tolerate when it comes to eating. I would never, now, go on a date with a non-vegan and there are a whole list of others "never evers" that would be on the list. Is he perfect? am I? not in the slightest and yet we have the ability to deal with each other's foibles and that is really all that matters.

So don't give up, just look in all the right places!

Emma JC