Finding the perfect man

[beancounter]

Finding perfection isn't easy, and quite a high bar. You may want to consider whether you measure up to the standards that you are looking for in a mate.

Or to put it more bluntly, the perfect man may not view you as perfect....

Or as Sting once said "to look for perfection is all very well, but to search for Heaven is to live here in Hell.

 

[Hog]

@ Emma JC

I enjoyed reading the romantic post about how you found your special partner. It was heart warming

 

[Urban Gardener]

I remember, when I was younger, it seemed like guys were nicer. They'd make conversation, talk to you like a friend.

I still meet guys like that, but they're usually in their twenties. I can't rule anyone out based on age, but that spark is often missing when the guy is much younger.

A lot of guys over the age of 25 power-trip. They act condescending. They assume you're really stupid, and that any knowledge you have must come from school or an ex-boyfriend. They're not interested in your ideas. They distrust your judgment, infantilize you. They want to play the Expert all the time. If you know anything that they don't, they get angry. They're really insulting. They neg a lot.

There are exceptions, right? I'm still looking for an exception to all of this. A lot of guys seem nice for a moment and then this other side comes out.

I realize how I sound. I have read the Men Griping About Women version of this. You just sound biased against the opposite sex and bitter. I don't mean it that way. I'm just venting about my own life.

I'm very optimistic that this has to do with who I've been meeting and that if I change the ways I meet men, I'll find nicer ones.

I'm also wondering if our culture has changed and if people are just more short-sighted and shallow than they used to be.

Men of VF, this is not aimed at you. You guys are probably much nicer.

 

[Andy_T]

My ad included the question "what is the most important sex organ in a woman" and he answered it correctly. I also stated I was looking for a man who had more tools than I did and I had a lot as I am a daughter of a mechanic and grew up in the "car business" with car crazy brothers.

That's interesting! Let me guess - was the correct answer you were looking for "the brain" ?
The second requirement with the tools, however, is harder to meet, even though many men like to collect all kinds of tools.
But you also have to really know how to use them.

NYC Gardener, what you are describing sound to a lot like "As you get older, you learn things, experience things, get smarter and have less tolerance for BS". (writing the abbreviation here as the forum did not like me writing the full word and changed it to "*****")

 

[Urban Gardener]

@Andy_T, yeah, I realized after I posted that that was the key issue. In college, everyone seemed nice because we were all just students. Adults can be weird about other adults' successes. They want to have the upper hand.

I need to find more people who don't think that way.

 

[Emma JC]

I remember, when I was younger, it seemed like guys were nicer. They'd make conversation, talk to you like a friend.

I still meet guys like that, but they're usually in their twenties. I can't rule anyone out based on age, but that spark is often missing when the guy is much younger.

A lot of guys over the age of 25 power-trip. They act condescending. They assume you're really stupid, and that any knowledge you have must come from school or an ex-boyfriend. They're not interested in your ideas. They distrust your judgment, infantilize you. They want to play the Expert all the time. If you know anything that they don't, they get angry. They're really insulting. They neg a lot.

There are exceptions, right? I'm still looking for an exception to all of this. A lot of guys seem nice for a moment and then this other side comes out.

I realize how I sound. I have read the Men Griping About Women version of this. You just sound biased against the opposite sex and bitter. I don't mean it that way. I'm just venting about my own life.

I'm very optimistic that this has to do with who I've been meeting and that if I change the ways I meet men, I'll find nicer ones.

I'm also wondering if our culture has changed and if people are just more short-sighted and shallow than they used to be.

Men of VF, this is not aimed at you. You guys are probably much nicer.

It is a tough age as some guys are just on the cusp of becoming more mature and because they are older we expect more from them.

I had just turned 39 when I met my honey and he was 43. Had been a husband, is a father and had been split up for over 4 years, as had I.

I think is important that a guy has had a good decent relationship, even if it ended, and that some 'rebound time' has gone by as everyone is much more vulnerable and needy shortly after a break up, women included. I had a great 'rebound' relationship just after I split up and it was great for me but hurtful for him as I was not ready for anything else. We stayed friends and business partners and he definitely helped me to get back on my feet emotionally. So if you are looking for a long term relationship try not to get involved with anyone who has recently ended a long term one themselves. I did date lots of 'rebounders' and I know that I helped them, as I was helped but it doesn't lead to anything lasting.

Emma JC

 

[Hog]

The brain is the ultimate sex organ.

I kissed my mom, grandma, and little old ladies at a nursing home. One lady at the nursing home said, you need a girlfriend. I said, "I can always kiss you."

She said, "You are like a little boy to me. You are younger than my grandson."

I had my first romantic hug and kiss only after after my future wife and I were engaged. But, it did not seem particularly romantic at the time.

I had my V-card until I was twenty five. My wife and I were naked except for our wedding rings when it first happened.

My true talent was in writing romantic poetry. I later showed my male friend the poetry. It was fairly innocent stuff.

My friend said, "No wonder you never had premarital sex. This is more intense than wild orgasmic sex. Just imagine what her friends thought when they read that. They were probably jealous and swooning at the same time."

I wish that somebody told me that marriage is difficult before I was engaged. There is no perpetual romantic marital bliss. The romantic days are frequently far and few between.

My wife had a skyzophrenic breakdown about a year ago. Life had become extraordinarily difficult in the years before the breakdown. She even called the cops on me. I begged them to arrest me and do an investigation. They refused to take finger prints and lock me up. (But, that is a different story.)
A month after the incident, I told my wife that it is time to go to the psychiatric hospital. She said, "Do you realize what you are saying? I may not be able to work anymore."

I said, "That is the general idea. You will be dead in a year if you do not get help. I really do not want to be single."

After she got home from the hospital, she said, "To put up with me for these last few years must have been difficult." She looked at me in the most loving way possible. I suppose it was the most romantic moment in our lives.

I said, "You have done nothing wrong in the eyes of God. An apology is the last thing in the world I want from you."

 

[rogerjolly]

Hi Hog.

There is no such thing as “the perfect person” unless we mean perfect as perfect can be.

I wonder why it is that you and I each appear to be as near “the perfect man” as is possible,
And that we are “not available”.

Could it not be that we have each found “the perfect woman”? And that we have grown wiser and more considerate over time?

I have never, ever “gone astray” and have not even been tempted to do so. Ah, the course of true love.

Roger

 

[Urban Gardener]

Quarantine took a toll on my social skills. I'm getting out and meeting guys, but I'm back to being a nerdy kid who can't Social. Awkward silences, saying too much at once, all kinds of conversation failures. Plus I've gotten used to being alone and the idea of being close to people again is a little scary.

Fortunately(?), all the guys I've felt attracted to lately have been inactionable crushes - they're spoken for or it would be a bad idea for some other reason. This is good because it gives me a chance to practice talking to someone I have a crush on without anything to actually lose.

Talking to someone you have a crush on is hard.

 

[HappyRoxy]

That man doesn't exist.

I have to agree.

 

[Rita]

I am also looking for vegetarian friend with beautiful heart.

Can I become your friend?

 

[thinman]

Meetup groups in Vancouver: Vegan groups in Vancouver - Meetup .

I lived in Vancouver BC for 11 years through the '80s, had my first tofu there.

 

[Emma JC]

Seems interesting solution for me.

There are a lot of great sites - try to find the ones that allow you to specify your eating preferences.

Emma JC

 

[Urban Gardener]

Finding perfection isn't easy, and quite a high bar. You may want to consider whether you measure up to the standards that you are looking for in a mate.

Or to put it more bluntly, the perfect man may not view you as perfect....

Or as Sting once said "to look for perfection is all very well, but to search for Heaven is to live here in Hell.

I agree with this. I have always sought compatibility instead of perfection.

Relationships are a type of friendship. I want someone I can go through life with. A friendship based on mutual respect, understanding, a shared sense of humor, shared values, all of that. It's never perfect. You just have to find someone you really enjoy spending time with, and balance it out with other friendships and other parts of life.

 

[independent]

Perfection is subjective Moreover, someone who isn't "perfect" today may be "perfect" tomorrow. The only thing constant in the universe is change, after all.

Also, it's important to note that if you expect perfection, you should also be striving for it yourself. To me, I'm perfect -- I have my own company, I'm an engineer, I'm conscientious, vegan, smart, I workout, wear good clothes, good cologne, drive a nice car, and I love to banter. I work hard towards my vision of perfection, and I would expect any woman whom I date to be working hard towards her vision of perfection... or I'm not interested

 

[Emma JC]

good cologne

ewwww, not my perfect man

In your twenties, your idea of perfection is different from every decade after that, so don't be too surprised if your concept of the perfect woman changes over time. Also, don't be surprised if all the wonderful traits you listed aren't everyone's ideals.

What is inside is so much more important, joy, peace, kindness to others and self, self awareness, humility, confidence. The ability to fail and get back up and so on....

When I was looking, I had a list of things that were important to me and I also had this poem printed out above my desk so I would see it every day.
--------------------------
The Invitation
Oriah Mountain Dreamer

It doesn't interest me what you do for a living. I want to know what you ache for and if you dare to dream of meeting your heart's longing.

It doesn't interest me how old you are. I want to know if you will risk looking like a fool for love, for your dream, for the adventure of being alive.

It doesn't interest me what planets are squaring your moon. I want to know if you have touched the centre of your own sorrow, if you have been opened by life's betrayals or have become shrivelled and closed from fear of further pain.

I want to know if you can sit with pain, mine or your own, without moving to hide it, or fade it, or fix it.

I want to know if you can be with joy, mine or your own; if you can dance with wildness and let the ecstasy fill you to the tips of your fingers and toes without cautioning us to be careful, be realistic, remember the limitations of being human.

It doesn't interest me if the story you are telling me is true. I want to know if you can disappoint another to be true to yourself. If you can bear the accusation of betrayal and not betray your own soul. If you can be faithless and therefore trustworthy.

I want to know if you can see Beauty even when it is not pretty every day. And if you can source your own life from its presence.

I want to know if you can live with failure, yours and mine, and still stand at the edge of the lake and shout to the silver of the full moon, 'Yes.'

It doesn't interest me to know where you live or how much money you have. I want to know if you can get up after the night of grief and despair, weary and bruised to the bone and do what needs to be done to feed the children.

It doesn't interest me who you know or how you came to be here. I want to know if you will stand in the centre of the fire with me and not shrink back.

It doesn't interest me where or what or with whom you have studied. I want to know what sustains you from the inside when all else falls away.

I want to know if you can be alone with yourself and if you truly like the company you keep in the empty moments.
-------------

I wish you all the best in your journey to finding a partner. Enjoy the journey, learn something from everyone you meet.

Emma JC
Find your vegan soulmate or just a friend. www.spiritualmatchmaking.com

 

[independent]

Wow... That is a beautiful poem and words of wisdom!! Thanks for the share, Emma!

 

[shyvas]

 

[Maja]

I don't think it is possible. Just as it is impossible to find the perfect woman. Let's take a look at ourselves. I think you need to find someone with a similar value system and who you love and he loves you. We must enjoy spending time with this man