Friendship

[Kasandra]

i have a friend, we I have been friends for about 5 years. in the beginning of the year i realised that i am always the one making contact, or following up how she is doing etc. if i dont make an effort i just dont hear from her. So I thought to myself... lets see if she will make contact. During this time my dad was diagosed with cancer, my brother and his sister in law had a near death experience. Not a word. She saw all my updates about how worried I am on facebook and bbchat.

I did notice that things were going positive for her but decided not to comment, to see if I hear from her. NOT A WORD during the whole dramatic experience with my brother.

One day I just get a sms from her saying : now that I am happy moving into a house, feeling great (she is pregnant) etc you are avoiding me and arent happy for me. ALL i hear in her sms is ME ME ME ME ME.

So I replied ; I felt deeply hurt that I thought we were friends and she never tried to reach out or comment on my brothers accident. She didnt even know about my dads cancer cause never bothered to make contact.

She then went on to tell me that Family is a side issue and got nothing to do of what is going on between us? Really?

Its usually in my nature to try and work things out but somehow I dont see this friendship moving forward.

Realised that I invest too much energy in people who dont give back and that is very draining.

 

[Alice-Bee]

Thats a really shitty thing for your friend to do. If something (anything at all) is important to you then a friend will show at least some interest or concern.
I can relate to what you mean, in that if you arent making contact they wont.

 

[Kasandra]

it really does suck. she was going on about how i didnt make contact since last year when i was there for her during miscarriages and some other stuff happening. i actually spoke to her right up to about 2 weeks before accident with my brother happened. I just got tired of always asking how are you , oh that so nice, HEY BUDDY I AM ALSO HERE

its just, i feel even if you feel recentment towards someone if something so traumatic happens i would be the first to pick up the phone or write an email.

she just, like always, made it all about her.

then asked me why didnt you invite me to your daughters birthday?

its still bugs me thou. I am such a sensitive being and even thou I am taking a stand, know she is in the wrong, I feel sad for losing a friendship and that someone can be so self centered.

 

[thefadedone]

She then went on to tell me that Family is a side issue and got nothing to do of what is going on between us?

WTF?
Apparently this girl has no idea what the word friendship means. Being a friend to someone consists of being there for them, supporting them, caring for them and showing concern for the things that are important to them in their lives (like family).

then asked me why didnt you invite me to your daughters birthday?

its still bugs me thou. I am such a sensitive being and even thou I am taking a stand, know she is in the wrong, I feel sad for losing a friendship and that someone can be so self centered.

You should've replied "Family is a side issue and has got nothing to do with our friendship".

It sounds like you won't be missing out on much by dropping her as a friend. If anything the only thing you will lose is stress and unnecessary drama she's caused.

 

[Alice-Bee]

You dont need people like that in your life, sounds like you already have enough going on without having the stress of her hanging over you. You learn in a crisis who you can count on...so stick with them and ditch the ones who dont give a damn.

 

[RascalsMom]

She's not a friend - better off without her

 

[Freesia]

I had a friend like that. Was never there for me when I needed her, but when she got pregnant she sent out an email about it, but because it was the email I use less frequently I didnt see it for 3 weeks and I wrote a congratulatory message then, but she got all shitty at me about it. Never mind that she never did anything for me, but if something happened which was about her I would have to drop everything. Or be psychic.

 

[Ann Chovie]

I was thinking today how much responsibility you have to offer measured and well thought out advice when you are aware that the friend to whom you are delivering this advice really wants and values your opnion .
I have a new and very precious friend who over the last two weeks has undergone the break up of a 17 year marriage. The events have twisted and turned and developed to a situation where her partner has reached suicidal point. She in turn has changed before my eyes from the laid back, confident and strong woman I first met into someone I do not recognise. The change is terrifying and ( as I found out last night) a result of the unearthing and reliving of extreme abuse she suffered at the hands of her family. And also her complete inability to cope with being responsible for someone else's wish to end their life.
Many of her long standing friends have fell away or offered inappropriate advice which has spirralled her further down.

She has turned to me as her support and for that I am honoured. I am also more than willing to be there for her whenever she needs me. She has been there for me many times already and proved herself a real friend.

But the abuse ( even the small amount she has discussed) is extreme and something I have no experience of. I am appalled and distressed for her . What I do not know is what to advise her about how to " deal with the demons" that have been forced back into her mind by the situation. She has fought to avoid bec oming a" f***" up as a result of her childhood but her partner has " outed" her in an attempt to explain why their ration ship has ended and now her sordid history is subject of discussions amongst their joint friends.

She told me that it was " put away in a box deep underground"
But now it has been dug up and she is forced back into emotionally dealing with it.

I don't know how to ease her pain on this one and am still reeling from the shock of stuff she has just told me.

 

[SummerRain]

I'm sorry that your friend is having such a difficult time. My suggestion would be to listen to what she wants to say, and ask her how she feels and what she wants. Sometimes it's more important to listen without judgement/comment than to give advice. I don't think a friend is really able to ease pain in a situation like here, so I think what's important is to just be a friend, to listen, not to gossip about her, and to spend time with her if that's what she wants. The advice I would give, would be to seek professional support, and support her if she wants to do so (for example, by going with her to an initial appointment which might be scary).

 

[Ann Chovie]

Thank you Summer Rain
I have spoken to her this morning and we have discussed professional support. She told me that she is reluctant to follow this line because every time she talks about her abuse it makes it real again and she had spent many years with it buried deep away where it lost all reality.

Her partner has done a lot of damage. And in the great scheme of game playing as a reaction to hurt and rejection this is about as low as she could have shunk I feel. I am party only to one side of this relationship of course, but I do think that an issue so delicate and destructive should not have been opened up for public discussion.

 

[ledboots]

Thank you Summer Rain
I have spoken to her this morning and we have discussed professional support. She told me that she is reluctant to follow this line because every time she talks about her abuse it makes it real again and she had spent many years with it buried deep away where it lost all reality.

Her partner has done a lot of damage. And in the great scheme of game playing as a reaction to hurt and rejection this is about as low as she could have shunk I feel. I am party only to one side of this relationship of course, but I do think that an issue so delicate and destructive should not have been opened up for public discussion.

If he threatens suicide again, can't she have him committed? Here you get a 3-day mandstory psych eval. He sounds too selfish to actually kill himself, but just wants to freak her out. His suicidal thoughts and threats are NOT her fault. I would advise her to not speak to him at all, to go through lawyers only, and if there are children involved, have an uninterested party drop them off and pick them up from visitation.

 

[Moll Flanders]

I have a new and very precious friend who over the last two weeks has undergone the break up of a 17 year marriage. The events have twisted and turned and developed to a situation where her partner has reached suicidal point. She in turn has changed before my eyes from the laid back, confident and strong woman I first met into someone I do not recognise. The change is terrifying and ( as I found out last night) a result of the unearthing and reliving of extreme abuse she suffered at the hands of her family. And also her complete inability to cope with being responsible for someone else's wish to end their life.
Many of her long standing friends have fell away or offered inappropriate advice which has spirralled her further down.

She has turned to me as her support and for that I am honoured. I am also more than willing to be there for her whenever she needs me. She has been there for me many times already and proved herself a real friend.

But the abuse ( even the small amount she has discussed) is extreme and something I have no experience of. I am appalled and distressed for her . What I do not know is what to advise her about how to " deal with the demons" that have been forced back into her mind by the situation. She has fought to avoid bec oming a" f***" up as a result of her childhood but her partner has " outed" her in an attempt to explain why their ration ship has ended and now her sordid history is subject of discussions amongst their joint friends.

She told me that it was " put away in a box deep underground"
But now it has been dug up and she is forced back into emotionally dealing with it.

I don't know how to ease her pain on this one and am still reeling from the shock of stuff she has just told me.

I have to jump in and say that if this man is making threats of suicide I think she should try and access him some help, whatever bad feelings are on both sides during the relationship breakdown Men are statistically much more likely than women to have a successful suicide attempt. They both sound like they could use some professional support at this time.

ETA Mind - How to help

 

[Ann Chovie]

I have to jump in and say that if this man is making threats of suicide I think she should try and access him some help, whatever bad feelings are on both sides during the relationship breakdown Men are statistically much more likely than women to have a successful suicide attempt. They both sound like they could use some professional support at this time.

ETA Mind - How to help

Thanks Moll. I didn't mention ( because it had no relevance until you provided those statistics ) that her partner is female. They have been married for 17 years and together for 20 years so sorry I did not mention this.

The original problems began because they had started down the adoption route and as part of the assessment of their suitability to adopt they were expected to undergo in depth analysis of their own experiences of childhood and relationships with parents and siblings.

My friend understandably did not want to " turn over that particular stone" for her own sanity after laying the past to rest. As a result their adoption application did not go ahead and she was blamed because she was a "f*** up" . So her partner made life unbearable to the point that my friend decided to end the relationship and let her go as she knew she would never be forgiven.

At which point her partner lost the plot threatened suicide. She then told everyone why the adoption plans had not gone ahead and convinced everyone that my friend was emotionally retarded and why.

It's a real difficult situation and I can see why the partner was gutted about the adoption . But I can also see that my friend was trying g to do the right thing and let her go while she was still young enough to continue down the adoption route with someone else.

What disturbs me though is the rapid changes in my friends persona. She is crumbling before my eyes losing confidence losing grip and convincing herself that she is indeed a " f*** up".

it is so distressing to watch her falling to bits. i fear for her job she isnt concentrating , or she is crying or rushing out to answer calls.Luckily our manager is a decent bloke and is being supportive but she has a high profile role in the community and they will not be so understanding. I am urging her to request compassionate leave and go away somewhere away from her partner but she is afraid the partner will do something stupid.

 

[Moll Flanders]

Thanks Moll. I didn't mention ( because it had no relevance until you provided those statistics ) that her partner is female. They have been married for 17 years and together for 20 years so sorry I did not mention this.

The original problems began because they had started down the adoption route and as part of the assessment of their suitability to adopt they were expected to undergo in depth analysis of their own experiences of childhood and relationships with parents and siblings.

My friend understandably did not want to " turn over that particular stone" for her own sanity after laying the past to rest. As a result their adoption application did not go ahead and she was blamed because she was a "f*** up" . So her partner made life unbearable to the point that my friend decided to end the relationship and let her go as she knew she would never be forgiven.

At which point her partner lost the plot threatened suicide. She then told everyone why the adoption plans had not gone ahead and convinced everyone that my friend was emotionally retarded and why.

It's a real difficult situation and I can see why the partner was gutted about the adoption . But I can also see that my friend was trying g to do the right thing and let her go while she was still young enough to continue down the adoption route with someone else.

I've heard the adoption process can be very stressful and bring up a lot of emotional stuff from the past, especially if your own childhood was in any way abusive. Some people I know went down the fostering route instead but I know that's not for everyone.

 

[Ann Chovie]

Thank you Summer Rain
I have spoken to her this morning and we have discussed professional support. She told me that she is reluctant to follow this line because every time she talks about her abuse it makes it real again and she had spent many years with it buried deep away where it lost all reality.

Her partner has done a lot of damage. And in the great scheme of game playing as a reaction to hurt and rejection this is about as low as she could have shunk I feel. I am party only to one side of this relationship of course, but I do think that an issue so delicate and destructive should not have been opened up for public discussion.

Very sad for my friend today. It is now officially all over
Her partner asked her to go to Brighton for the weekend to try and talk things through. The signs were looking good and she had perked up a bit this week. I was a little less optimistic as I have watched the game play and the roller coaster of emotions she has been sent on lately. I saw it more as make or break weekend. Anyway it was break.

I think it will be hard to persuade her not to walk out if her job this week too, she has created a lot of negativity there lately by under performing and over reacting with out sharing with anyone but me the reason for her behaviour.

Again I can only offer her support and trust that she nails the job she is after before she leaves!
I will miss her badly as she is my only real friend and I will lose her at a time where I badly need all the support I can get too

. But I love her and want her to be happy and think a move away is what she needs. So I going to encourage her to go for it.

 

[PTree15]

I'm so sorry, Ann. That has to be so sad to watch.

 

[KLS52]

Sorry, Ann. (((Hug)))

 

[Tom L.]

I'm sorry about what you and your friend are going through, Ann. It really IS difficult to know what to say to someone... you want to do more than just listen, but don't know what's appropriate or what would maybe even unintentionally hurt the one you're trying to help... for example, lots of people would probably say it would be better in the long run for your friend to get professional help to heal from the abuse she suffered, but from what you've written that would be much easier said than done. And maybe it wouldn't be best for her, even if it would help somoene else heal.

You're a good friend to her. I hope you both stay in touch.

ETA: I'm sorry about how your friendship went too, Kasandra, although you didn't lose much in the end.

 

[Ann Chovie]

I'm sorry about what you and your friend are going through, Ann. It really IS difficult to know what to say to someone... you want to do more than just listen, but don't know what's appropriate or what would maybe even unintentionally hurt the one you're trying to help... for example, lots of people would probably say it would be better in the long run for your friend to get professional help to heal from the abuse she suffered, but from what you've written that would be much easier said than done. And maybe it wouldn't be best for her, even if it would help somoene else heal.

You're a good friend to her. I hope you both stay in touch.

ETA: I'm sorry about how your friendship went too, Kasandra, although you didn't lose much in the end.

Thank you Tom
She has decided to seek professional help and so has her partner independently.