Relationship with a non-vegan

[Emma JC]

welcome to the forum @BlackHorse669

I hope you find it helpful to be here with us and that you will continue to contribute.

I agree with @Indian Summer that you may consider looking at it from the 'shared values' point of view which is just a important as the food aspect. In your twenties you are still developing those values and what many of us have learned, over the years, is that it is better to surround yourself with people that share your values than to live in a toxic atmosphere. Life is tough enough already without having to deal with food disagreements on a constant basis. If he has so little compassion for animals what kind of compassion does he have for other humans? that may help to put it into perspective.

Does he understand just how terrible for the body eating so much cheese and meat is? whether it is vegan or not, eating that amount of cheese is disastrous for health.

I hope that he is willing to grow into knowledge and compassion along with you, maybe watching What the Health and Game Changers would be a good first step.

Emma JC
Find your vegan soulmate or just a friend. www.spiritualmatchmaking.com

 

[Lou]

Ethically you are poles apart. I understand that veganism is only one aspect of an individual's personality and that a person can be good and lovable without this ethical dimension. But, the reality is that either you spend many frustrating years trying to change him, which may or may not work, or you accept him for what he is. Personally, I couldn't be in a relationship with a carnist, and as you get older and progress on your journey, you will probably feel exactly the same way.

I don't see a point to addressing BlackHorse. She hasn't been around for months.
But there was some stuff in Ahimsa's answer that I thought I should respond to.

Originally we were all Carnists. So it is not unheard of for a Carnist to become vegan, in fact that is where most vegans come from.

 

[Ahimsa]

I don't see a point to addressing BlackHorse. She hasn't been around for months.
But there was some stuff in Ahimsa's answer that I thought I should respond to.

Originally we were all Carnists. So it is not unheard of for a Carnist to become vegan, in fact that is where most vegans come from.

Yes, I obviously know that, but what I am saying is that I couldn't/wouldn't want to be in a relationship with a carnist.

 

[Lou]

Yes, I obviously know that, but what I am saying is that I couldn't/wouldn't want to be in a relationship with a carnist.

You changed. A lot of people can. In fact, if you are in a relationship with a vegan it should be even easier.

I've heard people say "i will never change". but they are wrong. Change is inevitable. even after you are dead you keep changing.

There are some vegan members who have a spouse who was not vegan at first. and there are others that have nonvegan partners.

I'm just saying, keep your mind open.

 

[Ahimsa]

You changed. A lot of people can. In fact, if you are in a relationship with a vegan it should be even easier.

I've heard people say "i will never change". but they are wrong. Change is inevitable. even after you are dead you keep changing.

There are some vegan members who have a spouse who was not vegan at first. and there are others that have nonvegan partners.

I'm just saying, keep your mind open.

Sure they can change, but the vast majority don't do they. If they did then there would be more than 10% of us living as vegans or vegetarians. Anyway, if someone wants to try and change their partner (and by the way it's a lot harder to change men) then good luck to them. What I'm saying is that "I" couldn't be with a carnist in the first place.

 

[Lou]

Sure they can change, but the vast majority don't do they. If they did then there would be more than 10% of us living as vegans or vegetarians. Anyway, if someone wants to try and change their partner (and by the way it's a lot harder to change men) then good luck to them. What I'm saying is that "I" couldn't be with a carnist in the first place.

Flip that around. 99% of the vegans you meet are former carnists.

 

[Ahimsa]

Flip that around. 99% of the vegans you meet are former carnists.

And all I'm saying is give me the latter versions. Years ago it was obvious that most people were unable (for one reason or another) to make the connection between their diet and cruelty, and to some degree I can see how this happened. These days, however, the information is everywhere, so I have little sympathy for those who don't take notice, those who don't care to look, like those who did the same thing during the Holocaust and many other holocausts. Generally, we have to try and change as many as we can, but personally I would not want to be doing this on a much more personal level. Sadly though, the change we're trying to make isn't really going in our direction. Yes, there are more vegans and vegetarians now than there's ever been, but in terms of human population, more people are eating meat and consuming dairy than at any time in history.

 

[Deleted member 3018]

This topic reminds me of Nemi comic that I read a while back.
There Nemi crosses over qualities in a perfect man from this long list and is left with "he makes me happy".

 

[Danielle]

IMO - it doesn't even matter, LOL. I don't eat my sandwiches walking around or in elevators. Am I the only one who doesn't like eating and walking around at the same time? :/

if I were hungry enough I would lol

 

[San Cleland]

He just wasn't thinking. One of my roommates just casually cooks meat in front of myself and my other vegan roommate because we can't just scream at her and tell her not to, since we all pay bills equally, and the only ground rules we set were things like not sharing pans or cutting boards for meat, and keeping meat away from our food in the fridge.

Yes, people really DON'T "get it." They're on auto-pilot. And really when we go off on our roommates or yell at people in elevators, it doesn't really get the best response. I did strongly correct said roommate one night when she started saying there was too much estrogen in soy milk (she's started drinking almond milk, but still eats "white meat" and eggs)...and I had to literally suck in my breath and stop myself. I was a little harsh with her, and it wasn't even as strong as I had felt for a while about everything she says and does around the subject. I like her just fine as a roommate otherwise. I don't know how healthy it is to repress stuff to the point you go off on someone about estrogen in soy milk though because you finally found a science-based loophole to confront her with, without looking like "crazy vegan."

I personally don't worry who does what around me, I just focus elsewhere. We all have choices and we choose our reactions.

 

[San Cleland]

Hello everyone. I've been together with my bf (25) for about 2 months now. He eats enormous amounts of cheese and meat. It's insane. Cheese is on the menu at least 2 times a day, about 200 grams I would say.
I don't expect him to go vegan, but it's so hard watching him eat that cheap cheese and meat. I have no idea what to do. I really like him and just the idea of leaving him because of that hurts.
I haven't even tried giving him cheese substitutes, because I know he will hate it. He hated "fake" meat stuff. And he just says that real stuff tastes better that's it.
We don't live together so I can't really make any difference in his daily meals.
If you have any advice whatsoever please do tell, thank you so much

I feel you just need to decide if you want to let him go or not. If you get onto him he'll just dig his heels in, it's probably about what you yourself can tolerate. Good luck though. I think you're either meant to be together or you're not regardless of anything else. I used to feel intolerant of my husband (we've been together 30 years almost) and I found that the only one it really got to was me. I accept him as it's his choice good or bad

 

[VeganAnon]

I didn't read every response you had so I am sorry if I repeat. My ex, and not just the ex but THE EX, we were engaged, years together, helped raised his brother, got his brother his GED, we had the rings....not JUST a boyfriend. He was omnivore and ate everything. The diet and eating is a bigger thing than you think.

While my ex was a better vegan cook than I was, still mad I never got his recipe for vegan sausage gravy, we spent most of our meals apart. I often think that if we had that one thing, a meal together, things would be different. But except for "special" occasions, we would not eat the same thing and if eating together I was delegated to the side dishes.

After we broke up, I realized, we never really connected because I was vegan and he wasn't. If he ever truly "got" me on it and understood, he would have been vegan himself. And we have had a few "almost" get back together but it comes down to....he still eats meat which I find ethically wrong. I can forgive in a friend but not a partner.

If your partner can't change their diet for you, just going vegan, then they don't care or love you. they like the idea of you but not enough to make a change in how they live their lives. People do it all the time marrying into a religion they don't know, they respect it and honor it because they love the person they marry. Being with a vegan is no different, if they can't skip a hamburger for you, then they don't really care about you as a person and you deserve better.

 

[Ahimsa]

I didn't read every response you had so I am sorry if I repeat. My ex, and not just the ex but THE EX, we were engaged, years together, helped raised his brother, got his brother his GED, we had the rings....not JUST a boyfriend. He was omnivore and ate everything. The diet and eating is a bigger thing than you think.

While my ex was a better vegan cook than I was, still mad I never got his recipe for vegan sausage gravy, we spent most of our meals apart. I often think that if we had that one thing, a meal together, things would be different. But except for "special" occasions, we would not eat the same thing and if eating together I was delegated to the side dishes.

After we broke up, I realized, we never really connected because I was vegan and he wasn't. If he ever truly "got" me on it and understood, he would have been vegan himself. And we have had a few "almost" get back together but it comes down to....he still eats meat which I find ethically wrong. I can forgive in a friend but not a partner.

If your partner can't change their diet for you, just going vegan, then they don't care or love you. they like the idea of you but not enough to make a change in how they live their lives. People do it all the time marrying into a religion they don't know, they respect it and honor it because they love the person they marry. Being with a vegan is no different, if they can't skip a hamburger for you, then they don't really care about you as a person and you deserve better.

I completely agree with what's been said and can add very little other than to say that the differences are often greater than they first seem. What I mean by this is that by being an ethical vegan your views on a whole variety of subjects can become quite polarised from those who eat meat and dairy. Anything, in fact, that perhaps requires more empathy than the average carnist has can result in differing views.

 

[Sax]

If your partner can't change their diet for you, just going vegan, then they don't care or love you. they like the idea of you but not enough to make a change in how they live their lives. People do it all the time marrying into a religion they don't know, they respect it and honor it because they love the person they marry. Being with a vegan is no different, if they can't skip a hamburger for you, then they don't really care about you as a person and you deserve better.

It must be really hard to feel that way! I don't equate my partners dietary choices with their love for me. I'm tempted to flip that on it's head - if I can't accept their differences and flaws then maybe I don't really love them.

 

[Danielle]

I think the way me and the bf do it is okay. He's willing to share some vegan meals with me, even his mom made me something vegan for Christmas.
Now, the dessert thing, on the other hand, haha. Another issue. I like all chocolate cakes, he doesn't. It's a taste preference. I could never get enough of chocolate, he thinks chocolate icing on chocolate cake is too much. But he's alright when it comes to veganism.

 

[VeganAnon]

It must be really hard to feel that way! I don't equate my partners dietary choices with their love for me. I'm tempted to flip that on it's head - if I can't accept their differences and flaws then maybe I don't really love them.

It was that when we had a chance to eat together, he chose to eat meat and have me just eat the side dishes rather than us eating something together as a couple. Having dinner with his friends or family or if he went out and grabbed a bite to eat is different than sitting down and having a meal with me, his partner, and not having the same meal.

 

[Danielle]

I’d be pretty upset if I just had side dishes for dinner.
If bf wants something non-vegan (usually cheese or egg) he’ll have it in addition to what we’re eating or we’ll cook our meals separately, I get to go first.

 

[The Master Of Design]

My partner has to share the same view on the world and if she is not Vegan or at least Vegeterian I would try to show her why she should become ONE. If she doesn't get it she doesn't get me. Why stay with someone who is not sharing the basic principle of life.

 

[bowiedacious]

My husband has gone from eating almost entirely meat and dairy and turning his nose up at most vegetables ("that's what food eats!") to being 95% plant-based, and if not absolutely happy about it, at least keeping his complaints to himself.

I originally went vegan for health reasons (I had high blood pressure and high cholesterol--both now managed thanks to a plant-based diet and more exercise), and since I do most of the cooking at home, I informed my husband that there would no longer be animal products in the house. He still eats meat if we go out sometimes, but more and more he is making plant-based choices even then. He's even found that he likes oat milk better than dairy milk and enjoys Beyond burgers more than beef.

I guess in my instance I didn't give him much of a choice. Since I'm the primary cook, he's just going to have to eat what I make or nothing at all. We've also been together for a decade, though, so it would've been pretty unlikely that he was going to dig his heels in over this. I do think that if I am ever single again, I would do my best to only pursue other plant-based individuals.

 

[Humble Carrot]

My husband has gone from eating almost entirely meat and dairy and turning his nose up at most vegetables ("that's what food eats!") to being 95% plant-based, and if not absolutely happy about it, at least keeping his complaints to himself.

I originally went vegan for health reasons (I had high blood pressure and high cholesterol--both now managed thanks to a plant-based diet and more exercise), and since I do most of the cooking at home, I informed my husband that there would no longer be animal products in the house. He still eats meat if we go out sometimes, but more and more he is making plant-based choices even then. He's even found that he likes oat milk better than dairy milk and enjoys Beyond burgers more than beef.

I guess in my instance I didn't give him much of a choice. Since I'm the primary cook, he's just going to have to eat what I make or nothing at all. We've also been together for a decade, though, so it would've been pretty unlikely that he was going to dig his heels in over this. I do think that if I am ever single again, I would do my best to only pursue other plant-based individuals.

Great job! Changing the heart and mind of your loved one. I do something similar with my niece and nephew. When I take them out, I will only buy them Vegan food. I explain to them I am not comfortable buying them meat because it is against what I believe in. They completely understand.