Vegan friends won't accept newly turned vegan girlfriend

[maxvegan1988]

I’ve been vegan for 7 years now and I’d say I’m fairly hardcore and vocal with my views often accused of making non vegans feel intimidated. I’m 100% ethical vegan, for the animals and I spend a fair amount of time in activism work, going to vigils, protests etc. Over the last few months I have been dating someone whom I never thought I’d feel attracted to. Firstly she wasn’t a vegan to start with, is 16 years younger, into spirituality, yoga, health etc (things that make me cringe). She’s charming, lovely and beautiful as opposed to my cynical, miserable and uncouth self. At first I felt annoyed at myself for falling for her charms but she did become vegan and she brings out my more sensitive side when dealing with others. The problem is that most of my friends don’t like her. They think she has the potential to be a distraction to my activism work. They look down on her and subtly mock her when she is always sweet to them, cooking for everyone, before, after activism events, social gatherings etc. Another reason they don’t accept her is because she refuses to come to vigils as she says she won’t be able to cope and because she refuses to watch Dominion etc for the same reason. She is a passionate cook and has started a blog and YouTube channel encouraging people to adopt a plant based diet for ethical, health and environmental reasons. She believes this is her way of doing her bit for the cause. I just feel so frustrated that every time we are in the company of my friends or fellow vegans I associate with, there is a lot of animosity and bad feelings. I hate to admit it but she does make me happier and helps me feel less angry with the world, which I think is better for my activism work. I’d hate to lose her but I’m worried that other people are trying to do just that. I feel bad when she gets upset but in all honesty I would like her to occasionally attend vigils with me. Any advice appreciated. Thanks

 

[Brian W]

She shouldn't have to do anything she doesn't want to do. If I had friends like yours, it would be "Goodbye Sam, Hello Samantha."

 

[David3]

She's a young girl! If you let your friends treat her badly, that's not a good thing.

 

[Lou]

She sounds like a keeper. No one is perfect. -if she was she probably wouldn't like you
there is some saying that goes something like the only inevitable thing is change. She will change, you will change, your friends will change. whether or not you want change it will happen.
The changes might be good. she might start going with you to vigils, your friends might grow to accept her no matter what, you might find other things to do.
Enjoy the present.

 

[vegan89]

Firstly she wasn’t a vegan to start with, is 16 years younger, into spirituality, yoga, health etc (things that make me cringe). [...] The problem is that most of my friends don’t like her. They think she has the potential to be a distraction to my activism work. They look down on her and subtly mock her when she is always sweet to them, cooking for everyone, before, after activism events, social gatherings etc. Another reason they don’t accept her is because she refuses to come to vigils as she says she won’t be able to cope and because she refuses to watch Dominion etc for the same reason.

The problem with people who are unwilling to watch something like Dominion is I often find that they are exactly the sort of person who will become backsliders in the future, reverting to their animal-product consuming ways when they are confronted with a craving for animal foods or are put into a social situation where it is difficult to stay vegan. Even if that isn't true in this case, watching Dominion would help strengthen her commitment to veganism substantially.

That said, I also think it sounds like the behavior of your friends toward your new girlfriend is rude and inappropriate... and if you agree with me on that point, you should think about ways you could tactfully let them know this is unacceptable.

Maybe you could persuade her to watch Dominion just once to help smooth things over with your more hardcore vegan friends? I am suggesting this because I think the best possible outcome for you is to keep your new girlfriend without alienating your friends, uncouth though they may be.

Maybe you could ask for her to watch Dominion on your birthday... or as a personal favor and offer to do something she wants you to do in return?

I feel bad when she gets upset but in all honesty I would like her to occasionally attend vigils with me. Any advice appreciated. Thanks

As mentioned above with regard to the Dominion film... ask her to do these things you want on special occasions as a favor or on your birthday. And if asking as a favor, perhaps offer to do something for her to sweeten the deal.

 

[Lou]

The problem with people who are unwilling to watch something like Dominion is I often find that they are exactly the sort of person who will become backsliders in the future, reverting to their animal-product consuming ways when they are confronted with a craving for animal foods or are put into a social situation where it is difficult to stay vegan. Even if that isn't true in this case, watching Dominion would help strengthen her commitment to veganism substantially.

I've never seen Dominion. I tried to watch Earthlings, twice, cause everyone said I should. Never could get past chapter 2. I'm already vegan. I don't need brutal awful reminders.

IMHO, A better way to stay vegan is to stay on the positive side. And it sounds like she is already an expert on that: Cooking delicious vegan meals for everybody. Sheesh. the more I think about it the more I think your friends are Jerks.

If you need further reinfocement why not watch something beautiful or educational or just plain well done. How 'bout A Life On Our Planet

That said, I also think it sounds like the behavior of your friends toward your new girlfriend is rude and inappropriate... and if you agree with me on that point, you should think about ways you could tactfully let them know this is unacceptable.

or not tactfully.

Maybe you could persuade her to watch Dominion just once to help smooth things over with your more hardcore vegan friends? I am suggesting this because I think the best possible outcome for you is to keep your new girlfriend without alienating your friends, uncouth though they may be.

I vote no on Dominion, and I don't think its up to your or her to smooth things over. they need to get over themselves.

Maybe you could ask for her to watch Dominion on your birthday... or as a personal favor and offer to do something she wants you to do in return?

I could think of so many better things to do on a Birthday. or as a personal favor. How about a vegan birthday cake or vegan lasagna.

As mentioned above with regard to the Dominion film... ask her to do these things you want on special occasions as a favor or on your birthday. And if asking as a favor, perhaps offer to do something for her to sweeten the deal.

maybe just do something nice for her anyway. to make up for your shitty friends.

 

[David3]

I agree with Lou. She's your girlfriend, not a newly-recruited team member.

She's already vegan, and a nice girl.

If I were you, I would focus on the two of you getting to know each other, to get a true picture of your personal compatibility. Trying to change another person doesn't work in the long run.

 

[maxvegan1988]

The problem with people who are unwilling to watch something like Dominion is I often find that they are exactly the sort of person who will become backsliders in the future, reverting to their animal-product consuming ways when they are confronted with a craving for animal foods or are put into a social situation where it is difficult to stay vegan. Even if that isn't true in this case, watching Dominion would help strengthen her commitment to veganism substantially.

That said, I also think it sounds like the behavior of your friends toward your new girlfriend is rude and inappropriate... and if you agree with me on that point, you should think about ways you could tactfully let them know this is unacceptable.

Maybe you could persuade her to watch Dominion just once to help smooth things over with your more hardcore vegan friends? I am suggesting this because I think the best possible outcome for you is to keep your new girlfriend without alienating your friends, uncouth though they may be.

Maybe you could ask for her to watch Dominion on your birthday... or as a personal favor and offer to do something she wants you to do in return?


As mentioned above with regard to the Dominion film... ask her to do these things you want on special occasions as a favor or on your birthday. And if asking as a favor, perhaps offer to do something for her to sweeten the deal

 

[maxvegan1988]

You make some interesting points especially about people not wanting to watch Dominion. I can see why that might worry my friends and cause them to view her with suspicion, especially when we've only been together a few months. I have let them know on many occasions that their behaviour is unacceptable and it has led to a few heated arguments, which I really want to avoid in the future, as two of these guys happen to be my best friends from way before any of us were vegans. I think perhaps they feel I'm putting her above them which is not true. I just wish that all the people that I care about would all get along and they would be open minded enough to give her a chance.
Your idea about compromise is great. She has already offered to come with me to a metal festival which surprised me so I'm sure I can persuade her to watch Dominion as a special favour. Her birthday is at the end of the month, so maybe I can offer to take her to see a ballet performance and tell her if she watches Dominion and comes to a vigil, I'll even join her for a few yoga classes

 

[maxvegan1988]

She shouldn't have to do anything she doesn't want to do. If I had friends like yours, it would be "Goodbye Sam, Hello Samantha."

Yes I agree and respect her choices. I can only make requests but ultimately it's her life so her decision. Saying goodbye to my friends wouldn't go down too well as I've known a couple of them a very long time but yes they are acting like jerks and I have made it known to them.

 

[maxvegan1988]

I've never seen Dominion. I tried to watch Earthlings, twice, cause everyone said I should. Never could get past chapter 2. I'm already vegan. I don't need brutal awful reminders.

IMHO, A better way to stay vegan is to stay on the positive side. And it sounds like she is already an expert on that: Cooking delicious vegan meals for everybody. Sheesh. the more I think about it the more I think your friends are Jerks.

If you need further reinfocement why not watch something beautiful or educational or just plain well done. How 'bout A Life On Our Planet

or not tactfully.


I vote no on Dominion, and I don't think its up to your or her to smooth things over. they need to get over themselves.

I could think of so many better things to do on a Birthday. or as a personal favor. How about a vegan birthday cake or vegan lasagna.

maybe just do something nice for her anyway. to make up for your shitty friends.

I see your point as well Lou. Initially I was suspicious of people who couldn't or wouldn't watch animal abuse footage but realised that just because someone can't bear to see it doesn't mean they are less able to show empathy for the animals. Everyone makes a connection in their own way. I'll ask her again once more and if she says no then will leave it. And yes there are better things to do on a birthday, gimme vegan chocolate birthday cake any day. But I would definitely be moved beyond words if she did agree to come to at least one vigil as it means so much to me.

 

[David3]

I’Over the last few months I have been dating someone whom I never thought I’d feel attracted to. Firstly she wasn’t a vegan to start with, is 16 years younger, into spirituality, yoga, health etc (things that make me cringe).

.
If you cringe at the activities that are most important to her (spirituality, yoga etc.), that may say something about your compatibility.
.

 

[Emma JC]

People chose veganism for many different reasons and her reason is just as important as yours and your friends sound like absolute d!cks. Jealousy? that they don't have such a lovely kind sweet young beautiful relationship? I have not watched Dominion either and I have no intention of doing so as I am already totally convinced and we went vegan for health reasons with background knowledge of the effect on animals and the environment. We have watched lots of the other great movies/documentries and videos and I think if you try to force her to watch that movie it tells her that your friends and their desires are more important than her desires and also that you don't trust her. That will ruin a relationship faster than anything else. I also have no interest in activism and am thankful for those that do. I went once to a heavy metal concert to make a boyfriend happy, almost was crushed and left after the first few songs. There is no need for me to prove anything to anyone including to my honey and he would never ask me to do so. When he wishes to watch something that I don't, I sit beside him and read. When he wishes to go somewhere that I don't I happily enjoy my time doing other things.

16 years younger means that she is 18 so you are both likely of a similar maturity level and you can either chose to grow together, as long as the relationship lasts, or you can ruin it quickly and she will move on to continue growing and becoming her best self. I am so thankful that I didn't meet my honey until he was over 40 because he was able to get all the crazy things out of the way before I came along and now we share that interest in spirituality, went vegan together almost 7 years ago, discuss all manner of interesting topics and don't diss each other to our friends over our differences.

Just my two cents and life experience but if your friends feel comfortable dissing her then you are intentionally or unintentionally giving them permission to do so. I anyone in my life started ragging on my honey they would be out of my life so quickly, they wouldn't even see me go. I have the right to complain about him, no one else does and I do not complain about him to anyone except to him, on occasion, and I know that he treats me the same way.

Just reading your latest post about vigils. I could never go because all I would do would be to stand there and cry. I am a very very empathetic person which means that I feel others' pain and sadness more than most people do. I sit on the couch and cry when I watch vigils. We had a lady die, in our town, a couple of years, she was on a vigil at a pig processing plant and was hit by one of the truckers. So maybe one day she will come with you, if she doesn't then it may just mean she knows that she couldn't handle it. We are all different so that we all play different roles in life and good on you for being a person that can go to a vigil and good on her for being a person who makes delicious meals and vlogs on Youtube. Youtube played (and still does) a huge role in my vegan journey and I love watching recipe videos and "what I eat in a day" videos.

I do wish you all the best in your life, your relationship and your activism. As @David3 just posted her spirituality and concern about health is what makes her the sweet loving person that she is.... do not cringe away, you may learn something.

Emma JC
Find your vegan soulmate or just a friend. www.spiritualmatchmaking.com

 

[maxvegan1988]

I agree with Lou. She's your girlfriend, not a newly-recruited team member.

She's already vegan, and a nice girl.

If I were you, I would focus on the two of you getting to know each other, to get a true picture of your personal compatibility. Trying to change another person doesn't work in the long run.

Well she was a mostly vegetarian, who 'loved' animals when we met. I did have a part to play in helping her make the change. She's a lovely and decent human being as are most vegans or those in transition. We already have the important thing in common but I hope we can find compromises that work for us in terms of our likes/dislikes.

 

[vegan89]

I have let them know on many occasions that their behaviour is unacceptable and it has led to a few heated arguments, which I really want to avoid in the future, as two of these guys happen to be my best friends from way before any of us were vegans.

Yes, it sounds like your best possible outcome is to try and find a way to smooth things over between these friends and your girlfriend... and getting her to watch Dominion and/or attend a vigil with you would probably go a long way toward doing that (with the acknowledgement she doesn't want to do this for you, and so you should find a compromise and offer to do something for her in exchange).

I think perhaps they feel I'm putting her above them which is not true.

Have you been cutting off social interactions with these friends to a substantial degree because of your relationship with your new girlfriend? If so, I suppose they might have reason to think that way. If you are careful to ensure they know you still value their friendship perhaps they would calm down some.

I just wish that all the people that I care about would all get along and they would be open minded enough to give her a chance.

Yes, I think everyone finding a way to get along in your social circle is the best possible outcome for you. If you have been friends with these vegan people for many years, presumably you see some value in that relationship you have with them -- despite them being a bit rude here and there. At the same time, you also don't want to miss out on the opportunity for a promising new relationship with this girlfriend.

If you get your girlfriend to watch Dominion, be sure to let your other friends know she did it to help smooth things over.

Another thing you could tell your girlfriend is that you think your friends and her would get along better if she agreed to watch Dominion just once. Your girlfriend sounds like the emotional, social, and feelings-oriented type of person (which honestly is probably why she finds the idea of a movie filled with images of horrific cruelty disturbing in the first place), and if that's true, she should see value in improving her social relationships with your friends. And if watching Dominion just once helps her do that, it might be helpful in persuading her to watch it with you just once.

I mean even if she hates the experience of watching the movie... it's only like 2 hours or something, right? Asking her to watch it just once is not that big of a request, especially if you're willing to do something she wants you to do in return. And if it helps her get along with your other friends then it seems like it's arguably something worth doing.

Your idea about compromise is great. She has already offered to come with me to a metal festival which surprised me so I'm sure I can persuade her to watch Dominion as a special favour. Her birthday is at the end of the month, so maybe I can offer to take her to see a ballet performance and tell her if she watches Dominion and comes to a vigil, I'll even join her for a few yoga classes

Hope to hear it works out well for you.

 

[maxvegan1988]

.
If you cringe at the activities that are most important to her (spirituality, yoga etc.), that may say something about your compatibility.
.

Good point, but opposites often attract. I am willing to be more open minded to try things like yoga for exercise and finding inner calm etc but don't want to go into the spiritual elements of it.

 

[silva]

Agree with everything Emma JC posted.
Pretty disgusted at the thought of asking her to do something so you can appease friends.
Your 'friends' do sound like dicks--and without their own partners I would assume

 

[Brian W]

The problem with people who are unwilling to watch something like Dominion is I often find that they are exactly the sort of person who will become backsliders in the future, reverting to their animal-product consuming ways when they are confronted with a craving for animal foods or are put into a social situation where it is difficult to stay vegan. Even if that isn't true in this case, watching Dominion would help strengthen her commitment to veganism substantially.

That said, I also think it sounds like the behavior of your friends toward your new girlfriend is rude and inappropriate... and if you agree with me on that point, you should think about ways you could tactfully let them know this is unacceptable.

Maybe you could persuade her to watch Dominion just once to help smooth things over with your more hardcore vegan friends? I am suggesting this because I think the best possible outcome for you is to keep your new girlfriend without alienating your friends, uncouth though they may be.

Maybe you could ask for her to watch Dominion on your birthday... or as a personal favor and offer to do something she wants you to do in return?


As mentioned above with regard to the Dominion film... ask her to do these things you want on special occasions as a favor or on your birthday. And if asking as a favor, perhaps offer to do something for her to sweeten the deal.

She said she wouldn't be able to cope. She should be believed and should not be made to do anything that makes her feel uncomfortable.

 

[maxvegan1988]

People chose veganism for many different reasons and her reason is just as important as yours and your friends sound like absolute d!cks. Jealousy? that they don't have such a lovely kind sweet young beautiful relationship? I have not watched Dominion either and I have no intention of doing so as I am already totally convinced and we went vegan for health reasons with background knowledge of the effect on animals and the environment. We have watched lots of the other great movies/documentries and videos and I think if you try to force her to watch that movie it tells her that your friends and their desires are more important than her desires and also that you don't trust her. That will ruin a relationship faster than anything else. I also have no interest in activism and am thankful for those that do. I went once to a heavy metal concert to make a boyfriend happy, almost was crushed and left after the first few songs. There is no need for me to prove anything to anyone including to my honey and he would never ask me to do so. When he wishes to watch something that I don't, I sit beside him and read. When he wishes to go somewhere that I don't I happily enjoy my time doing other things.

16 years younger means that she is 18 so you are both likely of a similar maturity level and you can either chose to grow together, as long as the relationship lasts, or you can ruin it quickly and she will move on to continue growing and becoming her best self. I am so thankful that I didn't meet my honey until he was over 40 because he was able to get all the crazy things out of the way before I came along and now we share that interest in spirituality, went vegan together almost 7 years ago, discuss all manner of interesting topics and don't diss each other to our friends over our differences.

Just my two cents and life experience but if your friends feel comfortable dissing her then you are intentionally or unintentionally giving them permission to do so. I anyone in my life started ragging on my honey they would be out of my life so quickly, they wouldn't even see me go. I have the right to complain about him, no one else does and I do not complain about him to anyone except to him, on occasion, and I know that he treats me the same way.

Just reading your latest post about vigils. I could never go because all I would do would be to stand there and cry. I am a very very empathetic person which means that I feel others' pain and sadness more than most people do. I sit on the couch and cry when I watch vigils. We had a lady die, in our town, a couple of years, she was on a vigil at a pig processing plant and was hit by one of the truckers. So maybe one day she will come with you, if she doesn't then it may just mean she knows that she couldn't handle it. We are all different so that we all play different roles in life and good on you for being a person that can go to a vigil and good on her for being a person who makes delicious meals and vlogs on Youtube. Youtube played (and still does) a huge role in my vegan journey and I love watching recipe videos and "what I eat in a day" videos.

I do wish you all the best in your life, your relationship and your activism. As @David3 just posted her spirituality and concern about health is what makes her the sweet loving person that she is.... do not cringe away, you may learn something.

Emma JC
Find your vegan soulmate or just a friend. www.spiritualmatchmaking.com

Thank you Emma. You make some fair points that I'll take on board. Yes she's 18 soon to be 19 and saying that I being 34 am at a similar maturity level was a bit harsh . Anyway I have to say that compromise is definitely the way to give any relationship a chance. But in the end if it's meant to be it will and if not then we will go our separate ways. This is a big realisation for me as I'm only just beginning to see where I went wrong in past relationships, friendships etc. I always thought that I was always right and what I knew was best etc. I hope I can learn more from others and this won't change, diminish or threaten my strong beliefs regarding animal rights in any way. Yes you are right that my friends are single and even thought they are acting this way they are good people. I was like them and I have to admit that I got lucky to meet my girlfriend. There might be a little bit of jealousy as well as fear that I might change. Also that I'm spending less time with them hanging out and smoking etc and more time with her during the summer before she goes back to college when I'll only get to see her at weekends and holidays.
Thanks for pointing out that I shouldn't be expecting her to do anything to please me or my friends. I already feel terrible about this and won't mention the vigil or watching Dominion thing again even as a special favour etc. As for the spirituality thing, I'm totally cool with it and respect whatever she's into. I've never said anything disrespectful about all that other than I don't believe in it. I'll give yoga a try, but reiki, astrology, reincarnation etc is pushing it. Vegan for life, atheist for life.

 

[Brian W]

atheist for life.

Don't bet on it...