When your family have offensive beliefs?

[SummerRain]

Okay, so I am sure most people have members of their family (or extended/spouses family) who have beliefs you disagree with... but what about when their beliefs are actually offensive?

For example, if your in-law makes a racist/homophobic/sexist/etc remark. Or a similar situation. What would you do? What do you do? Is preserving a good relationship for the sake of your spouse/other family members more important than speaking up?

I always find these kind of situations particularly difficult. I hate confrontation, but I always speak up if somebody says something I find offensive - be them friend, stranger or close family member. But for extended family/other peoples family, I always feel torn between saying what I believe and maintaining good relationships with the family of my loved ones. Not for my sake, but for the sake of my loved ones... nobody wants to be piggy in the middle between people they love, and small arguments can drag on for years with extended families.

So yes, what do you guys do / what would you guys do? Any pearls of wisdom?

 

[Poppy]

I have a very small family, so I don't have experience with a wide-range of relatives. Fortunately, my brother and I are similar in most beliefs (not diet!). However our parents are right-wing conservatives with a touch of Southern racist/tea-party sympathizer thrown in. Nice!

My father rarely gets into any sort of religious or political discussion with me. We are polar opposites, but we love and respect each other, understand that we're both intelligent, thoughtful and well-read, and avoid confrontation on subjects that can have no resolution.

Mother, however? Ha! I finally had to tell her a few years ago that I did not want to have any sort of political discussion, receive anymore of her political jokes via email, and would not speak to her for at least three days after any election. It works pretty well. There's no way to change my parents, they are not going to change me, so it's just best to completely avoid certain subjects.

When Mom does launch into something ugly, I don't hesitate to say "I'm not talking about that." or "I don't want to hear that."

 

[ledboots]

I do speak up if it is racist, but let most political or religious differences go by. My sister's husband has a sister who is a racist ***. In the 1980s at the restaurant for the rehearsal dinner before my sis's wedding, the racist said the n word. I jumped in her ****, but quietly so as to not wreck the occasion. She defended herself by saying that I didn't understand, that southern black people were different from the ones I knew up north. I stood up and invited her to accompany me to the table nearby and show me how the Georgia black diners sitting there were 'different', and dared her to say the n word to them. She didn't take me up on it, and luckily my brother in law (a bit of an *** himself usually) took my side and told her to shut up.

I still feel responsible for her going into my sister's honeymoon luggage and TAKING OUT HER DIAPHRAGM AND SPERMICIDE, leaving a haha note. I feel like she did it because I made her look like a jerk. Luckily my sister is a worrywart and had 2 diaphragms. Can you imagine someone doing this? There are only a handful of people in my life that I truly dislike, and this person is one of them.

 

[Forster]

I still feel responsible for her going into my sister's honeymoon luggage and TAKING OUT HER DIAPHRAGM AND SPERMICIDE, leaving a haha note. I feel like she did it because I made her look like a jerk. Luckily my sister is a worrywart and had 2 diaphragms. Can you imagine someone doing this? There are only a handful of people in my life that I truly dislike, and this person is one of them.

Wow, that type of crap sets my blood boiling.

Both of my sisters are a bit of religious homophobes, they know better than to spew it in front me or my family. They picked that crap up from their church groups as neither one was raised with those beliefs. The only thing I can think of as to why they gravitated toward those types of groups as adults is to compensate for their wild and misspent youths. Ironically my youngest sister's best friend in HS (who stood up for her countless times when my sis was bullied) came out to my sis (first person she ever told) and my sister accepted her. Tragically she was killed in an accident shortly thereafter. I do not know how my sister reconciles her current beliefs with the memories of her friend.

 

[Calliegirl]

Some of my close relatives are very racist. They know how I feel and pretty much laugh when they get a reaction out of me.

An ex b/f was also very racist and is caused a lot of fights between us. Once in a restaurant a black couple was seated near us and he made some nasty comments. It ended up us in a fight and we left without eating. I don't understand why he even bothered making the comments, knowing it ALWAYS ended up in an argument, with both of us in a bad mood for the rest of the day. Recently I was talking to him and mentioned how awful my landlord is because she's so racist (among other things). He said 'so, what's wrong with that?' I hadn't talked to him in a few years and forgotten how racist he is.

 

[Alice-Bee]

Usually I just cant bothered with the arguement so just smile and change the subject. But then again my friends and family arent too offensive, just often misinformed.

 

[shyvas]

Talking about racism reminds me of a question that a employer asked me during a job interview. My response really seemed to surprise him as I related to an incident where black people threw stones at a pregant white woman.

Why do most people automatically believe that racism is always towards black people ?

 

[Second Summer]

I don't usually care unless there is anyone around that could actually be offended, which is virtually never. And luckily my family really aren't that bad in this respect, all things considered.

 

[Envy]

Why do most people automatically believe that racism is always towards black people ?

I'd assume that some people think of institutional racism when they hear the word racism.

 

[Clueless Git]

Why do most people automatically believe that racism is always towards black people ?

Same reason that most people believe sexism is always towards women.

Discriminations against dominant groups (percieved or actual) are seen, by many if not most, as positives, not as negatives.

Same logic that sees the violence of 'freedom fighters' as positive and the violence of 'terrorists' as negative, in essence.

'Pure' logic (logic unbiased by personal interest) would see racism as racism, sexism as sexism discrimination as discrimination and violence as violence, etc, imho.

 

[Renee1]

If someone is a shithead, they have no place in my life - family or not.

 

[peacefulveglady]

The worst thing on my side was when my husband and I first got married a decade ago my mom asked us what would I do with my wedding dress if I had a girl baby? Would I baptize it as an infant , since my husband and I didn't and still don't believe in that , my mom then had a nerve and said if we didn't baptize our infants they will go to hell. That threw me off of having and wanting children because I feared that if we brought children into the world they would force their religious beliefs of baptizing young children like that against their will. If we did get some and still maybe get some in near future, we are raising it to make their own decision about baptism and not infant baptism.

However, the worse thing I was put under was on my husband's side that they were mostly conservative King James old fashioned baptist folk. They all believe in woman wear long dresses and skirts, Read from the King James Bible, Woman shouldn't teach men, don't listen to rock music, don't drink a beer or another acholoic beverage, don't go to the movies and all sorts of trash like that. As I look back, I am glad we are not living like that I am have came a long way to be peaceful and loving and caring and mercfiel and other things.

 

[Oasis]

I've learned to keep my mouth shut with situations like that. Speaking up won't change their mind. And no one in the room will help you! All that happens is a big snarly argument (and like you, I hate confrontations and just want to run away when one happens) and then it's awkward for several days.

For instance, just moments ago there was something that was said that made me so livid, I wasn't sure if I could hold it in. Like it was actually burning in my chest with a fireball of anger, and I just made some tea and came here on the forum to try and keep my mind off it.

 

[FortyTwo]

My grandfather sends me all these "President Obama a flag-burning cultist?" viral emails that old people seem to have a massive stock of. Other than that my family's fairly tame, actually.

 

[PTree15]

If someone is a shithead, they have no place in my life - family or not.

This. I have cut myself off from extended family members who have just ****** me off and done crappy things over the years. I don't have room for those sorts of people in my life, family or not. That said, most of my immediate family isn't offensive to the point of my having to speak up. Granted, we may disagree politically (I'm probably the only leftish-leaning one in my family), but we respect each other most of the time. Mostly, we leave politics and religion alone, as we know better and know we won't change anyone's mind. Some in my family lightheartedly call me "tree hugger" and such, but it's really not meant in a mean-spirited way. Mostly, we try to respect one another's choices. I'm lucky that I have a decent family for the most part, save for the ones I've purposely cut myself off from.

 

[sequoia]

You have to call them out on it. I don't see why you wouldn't. Your silence perpetuates the cycle.

 

[sequoia]

To elaborate: You don't have to be insulting or rude when you tell them that kind of behavior is not ok. Just be serious and tell them you are not ok with that and that you would appreciate it if they kept that kind of talk to themselves.

 

[Kittendumpling]

Thankfully, I don't need to see my family much, but my folks are judgmental as hell, so when they visit, I get burnt out really quickly. My dad makes a point of ridiculing my lifestyle (banging on about how eating meat is natural, etc), but I just try to ignore it and change the subject. They are both a bit racist, and generally judge people negatively. They've treated my uncle horribly through his mental health issues, and seem to think that any deviation from their idea of normal is something one can just 'snap' out of. I can sometimes see that they're trying to be better for me, but they seem to get stuck a lot.

I just try to avoid any controversial subjects with them.

 

[Amy SF]

I've been lucky because I don't have any close family or relatives who have been blatantly racist and offensive. I've been able to avoid dealing with that kind of thing for the most part, and the extended family members who say offensive things are people I rarely interact with.