Bipolar

[Kasandra]

Hi Everyone

Does anyone here have a family member / friend who was diagnosed being bipolar? I suspect my husband might be and need some advice.

Its really starting to effect our marriage.

 

[KLS52]

Yes...two best friends and two totally different experiences. At work now but happy to discuss more later.

 

[Mr Crunchy]

My ex-wife is diagnosed as bi-polar. We are divorced now. Afterward, I read an article that stated that marriages involving a bi-polar person end in divorce 90% of the time. And the other 10% require a combination of medication and therapy plus lots of understanding by the other partner to succeed. And even then, the bipolar partner may just walk out the door one day and leave for good, as mine did.

http://www.nami.org/template.cfm?template=/ContentManagement/ContentDisplay.cfm&ContentID=41636

Good luck, you have my sympathy and best wishes.

 

[Mr Crunchy]

I am at home now and have more time to post. What causes you to think your spouse is bipolar?

Here is my experience. I began to be able to detect when an episode was beginning. It always started with her obsessing about her hair. She would fuss about it for a while and then one day I would come home and it was cut very short or done in some complicated manner such as corn rows and beads. She would talk excitedly/nervously, shaking at times. She would start staying up all night doing projects, such as reorganizing all our paperwork in complicated and confusing ways, or cleaning, or spending copious amounts of time on the internet. This would give way to babbling incoherent theories. For example, one time she became convinced that the earth had switched it's magnetic polarity. She found a scientific article online about a galaxy where the polarity had reversed. She tried to convince me about this using a map and a compass. I tried to explain that she merely had the map upside down but she got upset about this and said I didn't understand. That may sound amusing and it was in a way, but not really. There were other tale-tell signs, such as taking perishables from the fridge or freezer, consuming a small amount and leaving the rest on the counter overnight to spoil. This was the manic phase. There were some much more extreme extreme examples of her behavior that sometimes involved police intervention that I would rather not get into.

The depression phase was pretty simple. I would walk into a room and find her sobbing uncontrollably. She would spend most of the time in bed or again on the computer surfing the internet.

I loved this person deeply and tried to work through it. But one day I came home from work and she said she was done with all this. She moved out soon after, leaving me and the kids. She is struggling to this day to get back on her feet and move on with her life.

 

[Kasandra]

Thank you everyone for the feedback : The signs always been there but the last few years its just becoming worse. His always struggled to sleep at night, his mind is always racing, he only goes to bed at 2:30 every evening and sleep late in the mornings, he can get OCD about a subject his reading on the internet and would be up the whole night . He works for himself cause he struggled to work as an employee. He is not interested in forming relationships with family and other people. He gets irritated so quickly. His always right. The biggest problem is his mood swings, he can really just snap and lose his temper at a flip of a coin, this gets worse when he drinks. This really really scares me. Often tells me its cause I push him to the limit. We havent been intimate in awhile, due to my past abuse its really difficult for me to go there when i feel so scared of him as well. His mother, cousin and uncle all suffer from bipolar and his mother thinks his rapid moods are also link to bipolar. I just dont know what to do? I use to suffer badly from depression but now with our little daughter in the picture, I do not let myself go there anymore, I have to be together for her and strong. What really scares me is that my husband told me twice in this week that he feels stuck in the situation with me and that I am going to drive him to commit suicide. If his in a manic depression low he might just do it. Lately everything thats wrong is blamed on me. I feel I can do nothing right, I often tell him I am amazed that I still have any self esteem the way he carries on.

 

[Moll Flanders]

It sounds like it might be bipolar but whatever condition it is I think he really should try and get some professional help from a psychiatrist. Can his family give you some support as they should understand mental illness as it runs in the family? I don't know what the health care situation is like where you live but if he is contemplating suicide then it should be an urgent case.

 

[Kasandra]

i did tell him the other day that he need some help coping with his moods esp his temper but he keeps on saying things are fine and that I am the cause of all his bad moods as when his not around me his fine. Unfortunately this is not the case. I said to him the other day I think he might be bipolar and he said his not crazy. He only acts this way because of me.

his mom agreed that his rapid anger outburst is not normal and that he probably need some form of therapy or medication to help him.

its like i am forever walking on eggshells.

its hard for him just to sit and relax as his always so full of "energy" this is also very draining for me.

I also had my problems in the past and my husband has been a great help in teaching me to be strong, confident and stand on my own two feet.

I want to be supportive but his rapid mood changes and forever blaming game is really making me very recentful.

 

[yally]

*hugs*

I know you love him and he's been there for you in the past, but if he keeps being emotionally abusive like that and refusing to seek help, I'd start planning an exit route

 

[Moll Flanders]

i did tell him the other day that he need some help coping with his moods esp his temper but he keeps on saying things are fine and that I am the cause of all his bad moods as when his not around me his fine. Unfortunately this is not the case. I said to him the other day I think he might be bipolar and he said his not crazy. He only acts this way because of me.

his mom agreed that his rapid anger outburst is not normal and that he probably need some form of therapy or medication to help him.

its like i am forever walking on eggshells.

its hard for him just to sit and relax as his always so full of "energy" this is also very draining for me.

I also had my problems in the past and my husband has been a great help in teaching me to be strong, confident and stand on my own two feet.

I want to be supportive but his rapid mood changes and forever blaming game is really making me very recentful.

The "walking on eggshells" comment reminded me of this book. Stop walking on eggshells - Google Books It's about Borderline Personality Disorder and ways for the partner to understand the condition. BPD and bipolar can seem quite similar conditions but a psychiatrist really does need to see him. I think you really need some outside help so his family/ your family/friends need to support you with this.

 

[Kasandra]

the hard part is like with any addiction/disorder etc you can't help someone who doesnt want to admit they have a problem. he also doesnt form "real" relationships with other people or family, luckily for me, I love connecting with friends and family.

I do know his not the only one to blame for where we at in our relationship, but I really did challenge my demons which comes out in the form of anxiety and depression and after we had our daughter I just learn to cope cause you have to be there for them.

Its really amazing how being pregnant and becoming a mother has taught me how strong I really am.

Its hard to become vulnerable with someone who can just flip any moment and become this person you dont recognise.

Now we just live together like roomates.

 

[Moll Flanders]

the hard part is like with any addiction/disorder etc you can't help someone who doesnt want to admit they have a problem. he also doesnt form "real" relationships with other people or family, luckily for me, I love connecting with friends and family.

It must be very difficult if he doesn't even want to acknowledge that there may be an underlying problem. It was hard for my husband when I was going through the process of getting my diagnosis and he had to take time off work because of the added pressure and stress of being my carer (luckily he has a strong union at his work so he was able to take paid leave and get therapy sessions for himself through his work).

Are there any mental health forums you could join to see if anyone from where you live could give you some practical advice? I found lots of helpful stuff on some UK forums and they usually have a section for partners or family of people with MH issues and talking to someone there might give you an idea of what to do next.

 

[Forster]

Maybe going to marital counseling would be less threatening to him? Then if appropriate whatever professional you go to might suggest he get evaluated.

 

[mary1]

*hugs* I have a close family member who is bipolar. I don't have much advice but want to offer encouragement. Keep remembering that you are not at fault for his moods and behaviour.

 

[cornsail]

Is separating not a feasible option? I don't think growing up in a two parent home with parents who don't get a long is necessarily an advantage for a child. It may be worse in some cases.

 

[thefadedone]

He gets irritated so quickly. His always right. The biggest problem is his mood swings, he can really just snap and lose his temper at a flip of a coin, this gets worse when he drinks. This really really scares me. Lately everything thats wrong is blamed on me. I feel I can do nothing right, I often tell him I am amazed that I still have any self esteem the way he carries on.

i did tell him the other day that he need some help coping with his moods esp his temper but he keeps on saying things are fine and that I am the cause of all his bad moods as when his not around me his fine. Unfortunately this is not the case. I said to him the other day I think he might be bipolar and he said his not crazy. He only acts this way because of me.

Its hard to become vulnerable with someone who can just flip any moment and become this person you dont recognise.

These statements are very concerning. I understand that this is all due to his mental illness, but it's also emotionally/verbally abusive towards you. I think it's very brave and courageous of you to be so dedicated to him that you want to stick by him and help him through this, but if he's not willing to get help and instead blaming you, I agree with Yally and Cornsail. You might want to consider an escape plan and get away until he's willing to work on his illness.

You have a daughter you are responsible for. This environment is an unhealthy, unstable, and unsafe place for her to grow up in.

 

[mlp]

You have a daughter you are responsible for. This environment is an unhealthy, unstable, and unsafe place for her to grow up in.

This.

Your daughter's wellbeing needs to be your top priority. If the situation is as you describe, she shouldn't be living in this type of environment.

 

[Mr Crunchy]

Maybe going to marital counseling would be less threatening to him? Then if appropriate whatever professional you go to might suggest he get evaluated.

I agree. Sounds like there is more to it than just being bipolar, such as not owning up to his emotions and blaming them on you. If he doesn't agree to go, you could go by yourself anyway and discuss it with the counselor. My ex and I went to a counselor towards the end, but by then we were too far apart emotionally. The sooner the better.

 

[ledboots]

Is there drug or alcohol abuse involved here, do you think? Has he become physical with you ever? His statements that it is your fault when he loses his temper are scary (and untrue, as we are all responsible for our actions.)

((Hugs))

 

[AeryFairy]

I don't have a spouse or close friend who is bipolar, but I have bipolar disorder myself, and I am in a long-term committed relationship. If you ever want to talk about things from the other side of things, feel free to send me a message. Bottom line is that it affects a relationship sometimes, but it is totally possible to work through it. I'm sorry for what you're going through, I see how hard it is on my fiancé sometimes, and I hope you can figure out what's best for you.

 

[Kasandra]

I don't have a spouse or close friend who is bipolar, but I have bipolar disorder myself, and I am in a long-term committed relationship. If you ever want to talk about things from the other side of things, feel free to send me a message. Bottom line is that it affects a relationship sometimes, but it is totally possible to work through it. I'm sorry for what you're going through, I see how hard it is on my fiancé sometimes, and I hope you can figure out what's best for you.

Thanks AeryFairy, will drop you a line a bit later.