UK Other people's reactions....

[Irene Adler]

Hello all

I know this has probably been asked before, but, struggling a bit with being a new vegan and other people's reactions to it.

I have read what more experienced vegans say, be low-key but not apologetic, it's what you want to do. Don't try to convert others, lead by example, i.e. show everyone you are happy, healthy and thriving. And answer questions politely, calmly, don't rise to arguments. I think it's all great advice, well thought out, and a positive way to show how your choices are working for you.

However, in practice, I am finding it hard to be calm and not emotional about how I feel about my choices. It's kind of like quitting smoking (I haven't been a smoker!) - you have this urge to encourage other smokers to quit. Or, a little like being 'born again', how much happier and healthier you feel, and you want everyone to feel the same way as you do.

Maybe this is all part of becoming vegan, seeing what happens to farm animals on videos, wanting to tell people not to turn a blind eye anymore. Although my own family were not enthusiastic, they agreed to eating where we can all pick our own choices, which is great. My parents are continually asking things like 'Are you eating all right/enough/healthily?', 'Why did you decide to be vegan?', and I have tried to calmly explain. It's kind of getting to me though now.

Maybe it's just me! Maybe they are just over-anxious? I am just going to keep at it until they accept it. Luckily enough some friends accepted it without question, as they or family members are vegan/vegetarian, or undecided. I have directed them here, or to the Vegan Society, or said talk to a more experienced vegan that you know so they have face to face support.

Any suggestions would be greatly appreciated.

 

[Poppy]

Ok, so you asked for suggestions, and I will be happy to give you a few. You're right - once you "see the light" it's very tempting to "show the light" to everyone you meet. You will be met with various degrees of interest (feigned interest, perhaps?) and you'll want to spill every thing you've learned. Here's the thing, though - very few people are convinced to change their lives by brand-new vegans "talking them into it".

In my experience, here's what works - walk the walk, don't just talk the talk. Make being vegan look easy and doable. That means, no complaining if you are somewhere and there are no "vegan" options - become self-sufficient, talk options with your server and order creatively, advocating for yourself, or, worst case, pull out the Larabar (PB & J, bag of nuts and raisins, etc.) you always have with you 'just in case' with no complaints. When you're invited somewhere,bring a delicious vegan dish big enough to share. Wear your animal advocacy t-shirts and your canvas shoes. Look for vegan meet ups to meet local activists and volunteer to help leaflet or protest. volunteer at an animal rescue or farm animal sanctuary and bring some friends. Start a vegan club or meet-up group yourself. Learn to cook for yourself and whoever you usually dine with. Be generous with your vegan food - it in itself may convert someone!

We've nearly all made the mistake of over-sharing when we were new vegans. It really is better to lead by example than proselytize.

 

[Nekodaiden]

Before you go changing the world (or at least your circle of family and
aquaintances), it's important to realize that they are not going to be
impressed one iota that you've changed to a diet/way of living they
see as extreme/unfulfilling etc, especially because it is
new for you.

Establish yourself first. Make sure you ARE getting enough to eat, and that
you ARE satisfied. This is their primary concern. When they think of vegan,
mostly what they see is a diet of deprivation, hunger, and supplements. They
will be watching you to see if those ideas fit.

Some people will assume you are "sneaking in" animal products to fill
the gaps in what they see as a deficient diet. I've seen this accusation
leveled at even multi-year vegans. Unfortunately, sometimes it is true,
especially when said vegans eat too much junk/processed/refined and
they wind up sick/hungry.

When I was new, I ate quite a bit of refined vegan products - like white
pasta, low fiber bread etc (not white, but still low fiber) in addition
veggies/seeds/fruits and wow was I hungry! I later learned that it's very
important to get enough fiber/ resistant starch to feed the good bacteria in my gut, to help keep me
satisfied. Do I eat white pasta and such today? Sure do, but eventually
what happens when I overdo it (make it too much a part of my diet) is that I find that
I just can't get lasting satisfaction from it and eat more and more.

Your family/non-vegan friends don't think in these terms. Fiber is just
something they eat to help keep them (more) regular than if they weren't
eating it. Refined grains are staples and they depend on animal products for
vitamins, minerals, and the satiation they bring because they have a gut
microbiome that depends on them.

You are changing your microbiome, and in order to do this effectively
it's important to feed the beneficial bacteria what they need to get
established - fiber and resistant starch. And not just from low cal
veggies, you need to make sure to get enough calories too.


I know you are excited and want to change everyone, but be prepared to
be disappointed. Firstly, because you are new. Secondly, even when you
are not new anymore, people will ignore/forget the fact that you have
freed yourself from what they depend on. It is part of their cognitive
dissonance. I still have to tell friends after more than 2 years now
that I am a vegan when they offer me animal products - one would think
it would have sunk in by now - but alas, no...it is confronting to them
(even without *me* being confronting) and they push it out of their
mind, make assumptions etc.

 

[Irene Adler]

Ok, so you asked for suggestions, and I will be happy to give you a few. You're right - once you "see the light" it's very tempting to "show the light" to everyone you meet. You will be met with various degrees of interest (feigned interest, perhaps?) and you'll want to spill every thing you've learned. Here's the thing, though - very few people are convinced to change their lives by brand-new vegans "talking them into it".

In my experience, here's what works - walk the walk, don't just talk the talk. Make being vegan look easy and doable. That means, no complaining if you are somewhere and there are no "vegan" options - become self-sufficient, talk options with your server and order creatively, advocating for yourself, or, worst case, pull out the Larabar (PB & J, bag of nuts and raisins, etc.) you always have with you 'just in case' with no complaints. When you're invited somewhere,bring a delicious vegan dish big enough to share. Wear your animal advocacy t-shirts and your canvas shoes. Look for vegan meet ups to meet local activists and volunteer to help leaflet or protest. volunteer at an animal rescue or farm animal sanctuary and bring some friends. Start a vegan club or meet-up group yourself. Learn to cook for yourself and whoever you usually dine with. Be generous with your vegan food - it in itself may convert someone!

We've nearly all made the mistake of over-sharing when we were new vegans. It really is better to lead by example than proselytize.

Hello Poppy

That is really useful, I really like the suggestion of sharing a vegan dish, funnily enough I did say to someone about how easy I found a vegan diet.

And the 'be prepared' have a fall back option, chat to people serving at cafe/restaurant, it makes good sense.

It's a relief to know everyone has gone through similar feelings, that I am not alone in feeling this, I was wondering if I was going a bit 'off my trolley'!

Thank you very much, I am not as weird as I thought I was...

 

[Emma JC]

love your signature, by the way!

Emma JC

 

[Irene Adler]

Before you go changing the world (or at least your circle of family and
aquaintances), it's important to realize that they are not going to be
impressed one iota that you've changed to a diet/way of living they
see as extreme/unfulfilling etc, especially because it is
new for you.

Establish yourself first. Make sure you ARE getting enough to eat, and that
you ARE satisfied. This is their primary concern. When they think of vegan,
mostly what they see is a diet of deprivation, hunger, and supplements. They
will be watching you to see if those ideas fit.

Some people will assume you are "sneaking in" animal products to fill
the gaps in what they see as a deficient diet. I've seen this accusation
leveled at even multi-year vegans. Unfortunately, sometimes it is true,
especially when said vegans eat too much junk/processed/refined and
they wind up sick/hungry.

When I was new, I ate quite a bit of refined vegan products - like white
pasta, low fiber bread etc (not white, but still low fiber) in addition
veggies/seeds/fruits and wow was I hungry! I later learned that it's very
important to get enough fiber/ resistant starch to feed the good bacteria in my gut, to help keep me
satisfied. Do I eat white pasta and such today? Sure do, but eventually
what happens when I overdo it (make it too much a part of my diet) is that I find that
I just can't get lasting satisfaction from it and eat more and more.

Your family/non-vegan friends don't think in these terms. Fiber is just
something they eat to help keep them (more) regular than if they weren't
eating it. Refined grains are staples and they depend on animal products for
vitamins, minerals, and the satiation they bring because they have a gut
microbiome that depends on them.

You are changing your microbiome, and in order to do this effectively
it's important to feed the beneficial bacteria what they need to get
established - fiber and resistant starch. And not just from low cal
veggies, you need to make sure to get enough calories too.


I know you are excited and want to change everyone, but be prepared to
be disappointed. Firstly, because you are new. Secondly, even when you
are not new anymore, people will ignore/forget the fact that you have
freed yourself from what they depend on. It is part of their cognitive
dissonance. I still have to tell friends after more than 2 years now
that I am a vegan when they offer me animal products - one would think
it would have sunk in by now - but alas, no...it is confronting to them
(even without *me* being confronting) and they push it out of their
mind, make assumptions etc.

Hello Nekodaiden

I think that you have hit the nail on the head. Family seem to be thinking I am going through a phase, or, doing it because it's more popular, so expressing concern/doubt. Particularly as I have dived headlong straight into it. And then there is negative press out there.

Thank you for the in-depth advice on microbiomes, I had skim-read through nutriment facts, and at least I took away the tip of slower release carbs like wholemeal bread, pasta, brown rice, fortified food (bread, plant/nut milks, yogurts), nutrient yeast flakes and vegan supplements. Fortunately I don't like refined carbs as much - white rice, bread, etc. And I am really enjoying trying different beans, lentils, tofu, more variety of veg, fruit.

I did lose around 4lbs, but, regained a pound too, especially indulging in coconut milk and cream, more vegan cheeses, etc. I do feel satisfied which was a pleasant surprise so I am hoping I am on track.


I guess I just have to get used to the fact that just because I am enthusiastic doesn't mean anyone else will be!

Thank you for making my own thoughts on this much clearer.

 

[Irene Adler]

love your signature, by the way!

Emma JC

Oh, thanks!

 

[Kellyr]

It takes two in order for an argument to occur. When you drop your side of the rope in the mental tug-of-war there's nothing to fight over anymore.

Meaning, when I don't want my choices to be an issue, I don't turn them into an issue. I keep quiet and as others have suggested, live by example.

Polite answers to new inquiries are always fine for me to do, but if someone is on the point of badgering me, a firm "I appreciate your concern for me, but I am not going to discuss this with you any longer." usually does the trick.

I know for most people when they start something new and exciting that they feel really changes their lives for the good, they want to share it with everyone around them, especially those they care about. Think back to if you've ever been on the receiving end of someone who suddenly discovered Crossfit, or has maybe turned Born Again Christian - or something else that perhaps you personally aren't much interested in - how do you feel when they keep nudging you to try it out, especially if they decide to throw some guilt into the mix. Annoyed? Defensive?

I find attraction works far better than promotion in my personal life.

If I'm confronted by someone who purposely wants to be an *** about my choice, then I always have the option of pointing them over to activists to fulfill their need to argue.

 

[Irene Adler]

It takes two in order for an argument to occur. When you drop your side of the rope in the mental tug-of-war there's nothing to fight over anymore.

Meaning, when I don't want my choices to be an issue, I don't turn them into an issue. I keep quiet and as others have suggested, live by example.

Polite answers to new inquiries are always fine for me to do, but if someone is on the point of badgering me, a firm "I appreciate your concern for me, but I am not going to discuss this with you any longer." usually does the trick.

I know for most people when they start something new and exciting that they feel really changes their lives for the good, they want to share it with everyone around them, especially those they care about. Think back to if you've ever been on the receiving end of someone who suddenly discovered Crossfit, or has maybe turned Born Again Christian - or something else that perhaps you personally aren't much interested in - how do you feel when they keep nudging you to try it out, especially if they decide to throw some guilt into the mix. Annoyed? Defensive?

I find attraction works far better than promotion in my personal life.

If I'm confronted by someone who purposely wants to be an *** about my choice, then I always have the option of pointing them over to activists to fulfill their need to argue.

Hello Kellyr

Thank you for such a lovely, well-considered response. I do recall some JW knocking on the door and being rather pushy, and I was getting irritated about it. That's a very helpful way of looking at it, I thought at the time that if I wanted to join them or learn more about their beliefs (which I don't), then, I would prefer to investigate it if, when and how I wanted to, not actively recruited.

That brings it home. It's me that needs to restrain myself! Like if family are eating meat in front of me . After all, up until only a few weeks ago I was eating flexitarian/vegetarian, so I can't really tell them off... Can I?
I will have the channel the enthusiasm in a positive way...Many thanks to you and all who have taken such trouble to reply.

 

[Mostly Random Dude]

I know this has probably been asked before, but, struggling a bit with being a new vegan and other people's reactions to it.

There is a useful bit of colloquial French, "je m'en fous" which roughly means "I don't care".

People who care about you will accept your new diet and get along with the new you. However, if some does not, je m'en fous will do the trick.

 

[Hog]

I am a closet vegan in real life. Should someone ever confront me on the issue, I will say that going vegan makes sense on every possible level. Being vegan is better for my health, my bank account, the environment, and the animals.

I feel like I have come full circle as a vegan. I feed my family vegan milk, cheese, and meat. I like to say, "If it tastes like meat, then it is meat."

The best part of being vegan is that you do not need to change your diet for Lent. God must love vegans.

 

[Irene Adler]

There is a useful bit of colloquial French, "je m'en fous" which roughly means "I don't care".

People who care about you will accept your new diet and get along with the new you. However, if some does not, je m'en fous will do the trick.

Hello MRD

Thanks for that, short and sweet, and hopefully would close down any anger/hostility. Family seem to have accepted it now, pretty quickly really.

 

[Irene Adler]

I am a closet vegan in real life. Should someone ever confront me on the issue, I will say that going vegan makes sense on every possible level. Being vegan is better for my health, my bank account, the environment, and the animals.

I feel like I have come full circle as a vegan. I feed my family vegan milk, cheese, and meat. I like to say, "If it tastes like meat, then it is meat."

The best part of being vegan is that you do not need to change your diet for Lent. God must love vegans.

Hello Wonderfularizona

That makes me chuckle, 'closet vegan'. It puts it in perspective, I think I am making too much of it, when I should be saying it casually as it comes up, like, 'I'm a non-smoker/drinker'.

Um, actually makes me feel a bit boring, I am going WFPB, but also no alcohol, never smoked, and cutting out sugar.... I do still enjoy my life without those!