Vegan with a non-vegan partner: Is this ok?

[binkyybunnyy]

I am striving to be vegan, but my boyfriend is not. He has no interest in transitioning to veganism at this time. I've had some people tell me if I want to "truly be vegan," I must convince him to "convert," and if he doesn't, I must leave him because our morals do not align. I don't know about that. I know he cares about animals, I haven't shown him any of the common films such as Dominion as I don't want him to feel like I am trying to pressure him to change. He does seem open to trying the vegan foods I make though! I would like him to consider at least reducing his animal product intake, but I would never pressure him to do so. I believe he is free to make his own decisions and I would never call anyone who still eats animal products an "animal abuser." I know a lot of people still don't know what goes on in the animal farming industry and I will do my part to spread the word about it to those who want to learn. Am I still a "real vegan" for thinking this way?

 

[Emma JC]

although it is a challenge to have a non-vegan partner I have confidence that you can live by example and especially by cooking/making delicious vegan dishes and foods such that he won't know the difference and may come to prefer it

I don't agree that you must leave him because he isn't vegan - if life becomes difficult and uncomfortable and you choose to make that decision then that is fine, it is not required and do not let others influence your feelings about him. There are many things that hold couples together and that can pull them apart and it is generally not just one item.

All this said I am grateful that my spouse and I decided together and although I know he may occasionally slip when he visits family I don't get upset about it or nag about it because the benefits of being together far outweigh the downsides of not being together.

If I was going to ask a non-vegan spouse or friend to watch a video together I would likely choose Game Changers, especially a male friend.

Emma JC
Find your vegan soulmate or just a friend. www.spiritualmatchmaking.com

 

[WholeFoodPlantEater]

I am striving to be vegan, but my boyfriend is not. He has no interest in transitioning to veganism at this time. I've had some people tell me if I want to "truly be vegan," I must convince him to "convert," and if he doesn't, I must leave him because our morals do not align. I don't know about that. I know he cares about animals, I haven't shown him any of the common films such as Dominion as I don't want him to feel like I am trying to pressure him to change. He does seem open to trying the vegan foods I make though! I would like him to consider at least reducing his animal product intake, but I would never pressure him to do so. I believe he is free to make his own decisions and I would never call anyone who still eats animal products an "animal abuser." I know a lot of people still don't know what goes on in the animal farming industry and I will do my part to spread the word about it to those who want to learn. Am I still a "real vegan" for thinking this way?

If life were perfect, our mate-for-life would embrace what we eat with joy. It is not a perfect world, so be happy you have a harmonious relationship. If you are to be vegan for life, you will encounter many friends who eat meat, and you will end up going out to eat with meat eaters, going to potluck meals with meat eaters, and have family members who eat meat. You need to adjust to being a vegan in a non-vegan world. The world won't change, and you cannot expect all your friends and romances to be vegan.

My husband DID become vegan with me 25 years ago, but he pursued a "junk food" vegan approach, whereas I have tried to eat "healthier" foods. Sometimes he will eat something I prepare that is healthy, but mostly he says "If it is good for you, it must taste bad." My husband was a pre-World War 2 baby, so he does not cook. I prepare foods for him AND foods for myself. In a more modern coupling you might ask the non-vegan mate to prepare his/her own food. In my case, that just won't work. I often take care of myself by batch-cooking for for myself and freezing excess. I make our salads together, and he uses a high-fat dressing while I eat a more heart-healthy dressing. We can coexist with rice, potatoes, corn on the cob, but largely there's a split between what he wants to eat and what I am willing to eat. It is harder for certain to have to cook food for someone whose tastebuds rule when trying to eat a healthier diet even if it means sacrificing optimal taste.

My husband loves animals and that is why he decided to become vegan with me. He won't compromise his taste buds though. I DID show my husband some "propaganda" movies that espouse a vegan lifestyle.

 

[silva]

I am striving to be vegan, but my boyfriend is not. He has no interest in transitioning to veganism at this time. I've had some people tell me if I want to "truly be vegan," I must convince him to "convert," and if he doesn't, I must leave him because our morals do not align. I don't know about that. I know he cares about animals, I haven't shown him any of the common films such as Dominion as I don't want him to feel like I am trying to pressure him to change. I would like him to consider at least reducing his animal product intake, but I would never pressure him to do so. I believe he is free to make his own decisions and I would never call anyone who still eats animal products an "animal abuser." I know a lot of people still don't know what goes on in the animal farming industry and I will do my part to spread the word about it to those who want to learn. Am I still a "real vegan" for thinking this way?

Well, I don't like people policing veganism, I find it does more harm to the goals of decreasing the use of animals, which is personally my goal.
It's not hard to get people to start cooking plant based meals, and I find once they figure it out, they not only eat less animal products, but become open to those who are vegan. That's how you get companies to make things like non dairy milks, Just Egg, vegan mayo. How you get restaurants to add tofu as a protein choice, and label menu items as vegan. I don't find many vegan only restaurants to be successful, but I do find more choices in those that are. I also hear about more people who 'tried' to be vegan, and failed.
Tell me which course advances the goals of vegan? What is the big picture?

Now whether or not you two are compatible is something you need to discuss. If you can be comfortable respecting each others choices without the need to change the other, that's great. It's a conversation you both need to have. Is this a relationship that may lead to living together, if so, what would meal shopping and cooking look like?

 

[g0rph]

It's a tough one.

I have been with my (unmarried with kids) partner for 30 years.
I went vegan only 3 years ago and my partner and kids are not really on the same page.
I do cook most meals...vegan. But they eat meat, eggs and dairy also at other times.

If I was starting out in the dating scene with my current mindset...I would only date vegans. As it is I just have to grin and bare it I guess.

I just have to remember that 4 years ago I was a Friday steak, Saturday, Sunday bacon, eggs, sausages and then maybe a lamb roast kind of guy.

And even then I "loved animals", but considered eating them part of life.

In your case, consider how long you've been together, how long you've been vegan and whether you think you can make it work...Only you can know.

 

[ewomack]

I admit that I would probably have a hard time dating or marrying a fervent meat-eater at this point. But, that would depend on a number of things. For one, I'm not sure that I could stomach seeing packs of meat on the shelves when I opened the refrigerator or freezer doors. Honestly, that would now really bother me. I also don't think that I would enjoy seeing meat being cooked or prepared in the kitchen. My appetite would vaporize and I would have to leave the room. Not to mention the smell, which would permeate the house. Hm. But if the person became carnivorous only when eating out, or ate meat-based foods that didn't slap you in the face when stored or prepared, then I could probably deal with that. I wouldn't love it, but I could deal with it, depending on the person, of course. After dating a few smokers years ago, I know I could not tolerate dating another one. So I wonder if I'm at the same level with meat eating? Hm. That's a very interesting question that I'm glad I don't have to deal with right now. My wife and I never bring meat home and we're both pretty dedicated to not eating meat. We've always pretty much felt exactly the same about the topic.

 

[Ahimsa24/7]

I'd go on A date with a omnivore, but I would not seriously date one. Just a waste of time for both of us even if I could put up with it in the short term. It's not just the smell in kitchen or the dead animals in the fridge, it's the lack of empathy.

 

[shyvas]

It's not just the smell in kitchen or the dead animals in the fridge, it's the lack of empathy.

Unless you live in a vegan bubble, this is the reality for most of the population. I have no vegan friends where I live and unless
you are a loner, you have to pretend to accept it.

 

[Ahimsa24/7]

Unless you live in a vegan bubble, this is the reality for most of the population. I have no vegan friends where I live and unless
you are a loner, you have to pretend to accept it.

For me, there's a difference between having non-vegan friends and dating non-vegans (particularly in the long term). Many of my non-vegan friends will eat vegan when we go out, and all my friends know better than to bring non-vegan food to my home. So perhaps I'm lucky there. I don't, and won't, pretend to accept the notion that a diet is one's personal choice that we all need to respect. Liking IPAs more than lagers is a personal choice I'm happy to respect. Eating animals is not a victimless act, and I won't pretend that it is. As one of my favorite songwriters (John Prine), once wrote, "I could have me a million more friends. And all I'd have to lose is my point of view."

 

[shyvas]

I don't, and won't, pretend to accept the notion that a diet is one's personal choice that we all need to respect.

When eating out with omnis or as a guest, pretending, means not making a comment. People where I currently live, think that veganism is being extreme.

 

[Tillimint]

I believe that a society’s morals evolve over time. In the past, food was far less abundant, and the variety we enjoy today simply didn’t exist. It made sense that meat was a crucial part of the human diet. But times have changed—today, it’s logistically quite easy for many people to transition to a fully plant-based lifestyle. What hasn’t fully caught up yet is our culture. Choosing not to eat meat isn't just a dietary change for most people. It can mean facing ridicule from coworkers, friends, and even family. It might mean skipping social gatherings due to a lack of vegan options. It can mean giving up beloved childhood meals tied to cherished memories. And if your partner is a man, there’s the added weight of cultural expectations around masculinity and food. Yes, veganism is the more ethical choice—but lets not pretend it's easy.

Hopefully, one day our culture will evolve as it has with so many other moral blind spots throughout human history. Until then, we need to remember that non-vegans are not villains—they’re individuals shaped by a society that, from day one, taught them that eating meat is normal, ethical, and healthy. It also taught them not to question where their food comes from. It is my deepest hope that in the future, humanity will have progressed so far in its care for both people and animals that those looking back on my life will do so with horror at the ethical shortcomings I couldn’t overcome. But until that day comes, we must remember that all of us are nothing more than products of our socialization.

 

[Ahimsa24/7]

I believe that a society’s morals evolve over time. In the past, food was far less abundant, and the variety we enjoy today simply didn’t exist. It made sense that meat was a crucial part of the human diet. But times have changed—today, it’s logistically quite easy for many people to transition to a fully plant-based lifestyle. What hasn’t fully caught up yet is our culture. Choosing not to eat meat isn't just a dietary change for most people. It can mean facing ridicule from coworkers, friends, and even family. It might mean skipping social gatherings due to a lack of vegan options. It can mean giving up beloved childhood meals tied to cherished memories. And if your partner is a man, there’s the added weight of cultural expectations around masculinity and food. Yes, veganism is the more ethical choice—but lets not pretend it's easy.

Hopefully, one day our culture will evolve as it has with so many other moral blind spots throughout human history. Until then, we need to remember that non-vegans are not villains—they’re individuals shaped by a society that, from day one, taught them that eating meat is normal, ethical, and healthy. It also taught them not to question where their food comes from. It is my deepest hope that in the future, humanity will have progressed so far in its care for both people and animals that those looking back on my life will do so with horror at the ethical shortcomings I couldn’t overcome. But until that day comes, we must remember that all of us are nothing more than products of our socialization.

Yeah, we'll just disagree. No matter how we were socialized, we're all ultimately responsible for our own actions and the consequences thereof. Going back to the original topic, I can certainly get along and co-exist with omnivores. I just don't want to date one or be married to one. If it's that or being alone, I'll choose being alone.

 

[PTree15]

When I was married, I wasn't even vegetarian yet, and my husband wasn't, either. I didn't embark on the veg*n path until we divorced. At this point in my life, I honestly don't think I could date/marry someone who isn't veg*n. I could not tolerate having dead flesh, eggs or dairy in my house -- or having that stuff prepared in my house. I'm the only veg*n in my family, so unless I wanted to completely isolate myself from them, which I didn't, I had to put up with their misguided continuation of animal consumption, as sad and angry as it makes me.

I do agree that it's difficult waiting for society to come around and realize how cruel eating animals is. It doesn't help that the meat and dairy industries work very hard to combat anything veg*n-related. And I find that critical thinking as a skill has gone out the window with a large segment of the U.S. population, so those people fail to see and understand the strategies/tactics of those industries.

 

[silva]

I guess it's just as well I'm not in any dating mode, because I couldn't be with a meat eater. Friends sure, but relationships are something I would never be in where I wanted someone to change, and the thought of someone being so respectful I wouldn't notice seems crazy.
I could definitely deal with a vegetarian, just not a meat eater. To me it's like ignoring science
I could not date a smoker, or a religious person either, but as I said, I'm okay by myself.

 

[g0rph]

I believe that a society’s morals evolve over time. In the past, food was far less abundant, and the variety we enjoy today simply didn’t exist. It made sense that meat was a crucial part of the human diet. But times have changed—today, it’s logistically quite easy for many people to transition to a fully plant-based lifestyle. What hasn’t fully caught up yet is our culture. Choosing not to eat meat isn't just a dietary change for most people. It can mean facing ridicule from coworkers, friends, and even family. It might mean skipping social gatherings due to a lack of vegan options. It can mean giving up beloved childhood meals tied to cherished memories. And if your partner is a man, there’s the added weight of cultural expectations around masculinity and food. Yes, veganism is the more ethical choice—but lets not pretend it's easy.

Hopefully, one day our culture will evolve as it has with so many other moral blind spots throughout human history. Until then, we need to remember that non-vegans are not villains—they’re individuals shaped by a society that, from day one, taught them that eating meat is normal, ethical, and healthy. It also taught them not to question where their food comes from. It is my deepest hope that in the future, humanity will have progressed so far in its care for both people and animals that those looking back on my life will do so with horror at the ethical shortcomings I couldn’t overcome. But until that day comes, we must remember that all of us are nothing more than products of our socialization.

I think you put this very eloquently. And I agree 100%

 

[g0rph]

I guess it's just as well I'm not in any dating mode, because I couldn't be with a meat eater. Friends sure, but relationships are something I would never be in where I wanted someone to change, and the thought of someone being so respectful I wouldn't notice seems crazy.
I could definitely deal with a vegetarian, just not a meat eater. To me it's like ignoring science
I could not date a smoker, or a religious person either, but as I said, I'm okay by myself.

If I was starting over, I would agree.

When someone goes vegan almost 30 years into a relationship...with kids, then I am not about to throw away family for my beliefs.
And I agree on smokers and religious people...No thanks. (I will also add, right-wingers).