Why should married women change their names?

[mlp]

What I will never get behind is the idea that there is one right answer for all women and I will never respond kindly to the idea that there is. One simply cannot frame a discussion (especially a feminist one!!!!) within "women shouldn't" because it is short-sighted and controlling. All lives and experiences are not equal and assuming that what you would do is the right path for another is incredibly presumptuous. It's everything that is wrong with current and past white heterosexual feminism and it's also no way for feminism to keep making a difference in the world.

No one said that all women should do x or y. It's not very productive to immediately resort to accusations and glibly patronizing one liners.

 

[mlp]

At my hospital, patients can request only female (or male) nurses but not ones of a certain race.

But that's based on various people's comfort level with being seen naked and during vulnerable/very personal moments by people of a different sex, as well as touched in ways that one doesn't normally permit strangers to touch one.

The Saudi rules have quite a different basis. As a matter of fact, Saudi women are upset because only men have traditionally been allowed to work in lingerie shops, there is no to little female medical staff, etc.

 

[Moll Flanders]

I meant to mention this before but I assume some women take their husband's name because they don't consider themselves feminist. I have had quite a lot of hostility during my life when I have expressed feminist ideas to other people. The term still has a lot of negative connotations.

 

[ledboots]

I meant to mention this before but I assume some women take their husband's name because they don't consider themselves feminist. I have had quite a lot of hostility during my life when I have expressed feminist ideas to other people. The term still has a lot of negative connotations.

That annoys me to no end, too. People used to say they were feminist, but the word fell out of favor.

And mlp, I agree there are valid reasons people want a certain gender caregiver. My mom (70 something at the time) was scandalized when a young man was going to help her bathe when she was hospitalized.

There was a situation with a racist patient once in which they were going to quietly assign only white staff to her and her infant until we squawked. The world is a fucked up place sometimes.

 

[yakherder]

Oh, I figured you did for individualized cases of businesses like that.

My ponderings were along the lines of whether the armed forces would maintain bases in a country where African American or other minority race soldiers were not allowed to walk with whites (or walk alone) or enter any business establishment, and if they did, whether they would have the soldiers follow those *customs*, or simply avoid stationing minorities in that country.

I suspect it would be more of an issue, but maybe I'm wrong.

I guess it's hard to know because, fortunately, countries like that are rare. With any luck, we'll eventually be able to say the same for sexist countries as well. I think we've got a long way to go though. Some of the things I've seen can be pretty depressing. I think I've mentioned before that, for a while, one of my unit's responsibilities was guarding a girl's school because Taliban in the local area were threatening to attack it. They didn't like the idea of educated women.

 

[Clueless Git]

One simply cannot frame a discussion (especially a feminist one!!!!) within "women shouldn't" because it is short-sighted and controlling.

It would also lead to a mexican stand-off if men decided that they shouldn't do what women shouldn't do either.

That was an excellent post you made there, btw, Renee.

 

[Ansciess]

For the record, I absolutely, without any doubt, believe that there should be dialogue about the tradition of name-changing. I understand its patriarchal roots (though it's not any more patriarchal than the tradition of marriage or even most of the trappings of heteronormative dating). I strongly believe every person who decides to change their name after marriage should give it more than a little thought and the idea that it is an automatic makes my skin crawl.

You want to "dialogue about the tradition of name-changing" because you think there is some...issue...with it. Otherwise it would be a non-issue, not one that "every person who decides to change their name after marriage should give...more than a little thought...". So, I'm not sure how you could possibly have that dialogue without offending people who want to change their names, don't see any issue with it, and/or are very reactive to perceived criticism. I don't think there is a sensitive enough way to discuss this, when it involves women making a choice to do something that might be...problematic from a feminist perspective (that's what you're indicating it is). Because as soon as you say there might be some issue with it, someone is going to react and accuse you of saying you're judging them or saying they're not feminist enough. Case in point: you, when someone else is giving you the same message.

Here you go:
Who are you to say that "every person who decides to change their name after marriage should give it more than a little thought"...because you see a problem with it? How patronizing to say these people should do that, based on your values.

And it "makes [your] skin crawl" that they're following this tradition without giving it thought? On behalf of all the people who follow this tradition that they feel is benign and see no particular reason to give it any thought, that's offensive. Maybe keep your crawling skin and unwanted opinions about their choices to yourself. Women are tired of having their choices dissected and judged!

See?

It's an incredibly slippery slope to accept one reason (abusive father) and decide another is not feminist enough (new family/new name) and anyone who cares about women and the unique problems they face should not want to start slipping down.

No one actually did this.

 

[Ansciess]

No one said that all women should do x or y. It's not very productive to immediately resort to accusations and glibly patronizing one liners.

It is, however, o.k. to say that all people should do x or y.

I strongly believe every person who decides to change their name after marriage should give it more than a little thought and the idea that it is an automatic makes my skin crawl.

 

[Kitties]

This subject seems to really get to some people.

I'm over 50 and never married so the name change with marriage will never be an issue for me. That's a whole new subject altogether. Be over 50, never married and people at work like to talk behind you back like it's such an anomaly.

Name changing issues are something I relate to since my last name was changed at 7. I wasn't asked on any level. At that age probably shouldn't have been but in the realm of my childhood it was a minor issue. To this day however I don't like my name, I don't like to even write it and often when I look at my name in writing I think 'who is that person.' Something as simple as mail will make me think that.

 

[yakherder]

I never really thought much about it. My ex-wife was Chinese and her name would have sounded really weird with my last name. It never even occurred to us for her to change her name. In fact when I had to use a Chinese name, I ended up taking her mother's last name for that lol. I don't know if you'd call it an official name change, but it's the one on my transcript from Zhejiang Unviersity.

Now, my girlfriend and I have a son together and live together as if we were married, but have no real reason to get married so, again, a name change has never really been relevant. Neither of us are religious, and our common law partner status is, more or less, legally equivalent to marriage anyway.

The only time we really talked about last names was when our son was born. I didn't care either way and I asked her if she had an interest in giving him her last name instead of mine. She said no let's just use yours, and that was the only time the subject ever came up. I guess I just don't have an emotional attachment to my name or anyone else's for that matter. As far as I'm concerned it's just a way to identify me. People could in fact start calling me Mr. Yak Herder for all I care. As long as I know it's me they're referring to, the name serves it's functional purpose. I mean I wouldn't want my name to be *** Face or something, though I'd probably be more amused than insulted by the idea, but you get the idea.

 

[RabbitLuvr]

If I had a child I would name it Chainsaw.

 

[Kitties]

Yakherder, I wish I had so little attachment to my name.

I even take pet naming extremely seriously and love the names I have given my cats, including my two litter mates I have now. I can only hope they like their names as much as I do. I poured over a large name your baby book for a few months finally deciding on their names with back ups in case they didn't fit but luckily they did.

I've thought of changing my name but it's not worth the legal hassle.

I wouldn't name a pet chainsaw. For me pets have to have people names.

 

[RabbitLuvr]

I wouldn't name a pet Chainsaw, either.

 

[yally]

I never really thought much about it. My ex-wife was Chinese and her name would have sounded really weird with my last name. It never even occurred to us for her to change her name. In fact when I had to use a Chinese name, I ended up taking her mother's last name for that lol. I don't know if you'd call it an official name change, but it's the one on my transcript from Zhejiang Unviersity.

Now, my girlfriend and I have a son together and live together as if we were married, but have no real reason to get married so, again, a name change has never really been relevant. Neither of us are religious, and our common law partner status is, more or less, legally equivalent to marriage anyway.

The only time we really talked about last names was when our son was born. I didn't care either way and I asked her if she had an interest in giving him her last name instead of mine. She said no let's just use yours, and that was the only time the subject ever came up. I guess I just don't have an emotional attachment to my name or anyone else's for that matter. As far as I'm concerned it's just a way to identify me. People could in fact start calling me Mr. Yak Herder for all I care. As long as I know it's me they're referring to, the name serves it's functional purpose. I mean I wouldn't want my name to be *** Face or something, though I'd probably be more amused than insulted by the idea, but you get the idea.

Hey I'm sure you do, but please make sure you have a comprehensive will. I only say because my parents not being married was absolutely fine until one them died while my brother and I were still under 18 and led to a bit of a legal **** storm. Wouldn't wish that on anyone.

 

[Kitties]

I wouldn't name a pet Chainsaw, either.

LMAO!!!

 

[yakherder]

Hey I'm sure you do, but please make sure you have a comprehensive will. I only say because my parents not being married was absolutely fine until one them died while my brother and I were still under 18 and led to a bit of a legal **** storm. Wouldn't wish that on anyone.

Certainly a wise idea, and I do indeed have all that stuff taken care of. Part of being in the Army, though realistically I believe everyone should plan for and be ready to face their mortality whether they intend to do dangerous stuff or not

 

[Moll Flanders]

I was thinking it was strange since I posted on here I know three people who have changed their surname. My mother and brother have both gone back to my mother's maiden name so even if I got divorced I wouldn't share their surname now.

 

[willieaames]

It's a sexist tradition pure and simple and anyone who says otherwise is in denial. My friend boyfriend`s won't be changing his name either if anyone ever cared to ask, which no one ever has.

 

[AeryFairy]

For at least 6 months after I got married people were asking me "What's your name now?", or just straight out referring to me as "Mrs. [husband's last name]" (which is wrong on both counts, because I have always used the title Ms.). After the first 20 times or so it was incredibly annoying, so I vented at my husband. Whenever someone asked me from then on, he would demand to know why they didn't ask him the same question

The weirdest thing was how annoyed/offended some people got that I hadn't changed it... like it was any of their business at all.

 

[Moll Flanders]

The weirdest thing was how annoyed/offended some people got that I hadn't changed it... like it was any of their business at all.

I would find that annoying.

My brother was saying the other day that people at his work were asking him why he changed his surname as it is unusual for a 30 year old man to suddenly change his name, especially without having a marriage. People didn't tell him he shouldn't have changed it though because I suppose it is more socially acceptable to judge women for their choices.