Health Issues Cancer

[KLS52]

Yes, ledboots makes a good point. My friend's husband has been battling cancer for seven years...multiple myeloma. He's done with it all...he's only 59. He has stopped further treatment and just went under hospice care.

 

[Kasandra]

hi everyone, thank you so much for taking the time to respond. my dads hip is realy becoming troublesome at the moment, I phoned him last night and told him that I agree with my mom, that he should rather not go away with my brother but go for chemo right away, I think his downplaying the pain but it sounds pretty intense.

Its like you guys said thou, I can only offer support but also know that when my dad need time, I need to give it to him. This I find very hard but did message him this morning that I am always there if he needs me via email, sms, phone or visits..

This is also going to be very tough for my mom.

He needs to phone the oncologist today and start chemo also get better pain medication to manage the pain.

We just take it one day at a time.

I am going back to yoga this evening, to just relax, focus and recharge.

Some days are good, sometimes I feel overwhelmed and helpless.

I told my brother who is luckily going on 2 weeks leave from next week we must just go and support my mom, she is a little firecracker but everyone has there limits. Maybe my brother can stay with my dad and my mom can come visit me.

Their little grand daughter also cheers them up.

Today is a good day for me.

 

[Kasandra]

i feel so angry now, my mom phoned me this morning stating that my dad his consistently coughing and there was some blood, that he must leave the holiday with my brother and go for treatment. Now this afternoon, he now wants to put treatment on hold again and go away for 2 weeks.

him and my brother feel that with chemo treatment he might not ever be strong enough again to go to our beach house, they make it sound so final. i think thats so negative.

surely if my dad starts treatment / chemo right away it might help attack the cancer which is widely spread but will lessen his pain?

surely maybe with chemo he might be sick now but feel better in the long run to go to the beach house?

i dont know - i should probably respect my dads wishes but its a hard pill to swallow as I dont know if he can survive another 2 weeks without treatment. he just want to continue popping pain pills but its not that simple.

To me its like my dad is choosing not to have treatment and see what happens.

 

[Chryssie]

I am sorry you are dealing with all this.
I lost my mother to uterine and bone cancer in 1999. I do not know of any other close family members who had cancer though I do know a couple of women who survived breast cancer.

 

[Alice-Bee]

Some people do choose not to have treatment, because chemo is no walk in the park. It has to be to fight against cancer.
I wouldnt think this is what your father is doing though. I think it sounds like he knows how bad it will be and wants a little happiness to hang on to to get through it perhaps?

 

[Ann Chovie]

Hi Kasandra
As clueless says I work with cancer patients every day of the week and for every patient that makes the decision not to have Chemo therapy there is invariably a relative who feels bewildered and hurt by this decision.
Unfortunately despite the fact that the whole family suffers with the patient ultimately it is his life and his decision. There are no right or wrong decisions only every one individuals own reaction to their situation.
Your dad may be weighing up qualitiy as opposed to longevity of life even if he not sharing this choice with you it may be what he is deciding on. Chemotherapy is not to be taken lightly it often brings with it horrendous side effects. Used early it can be bearable and doses can be low enough to maintain a fairly good quality of life. In later stages of life the aggressive nature of the cancer may dictate a need for aggressive Chemotherapy with more devastating side effects. When it is given later a patient is often already so weak and so tired that it saps all the effort they have left to fight on. I amnot suggesting that this is where your dad just trying to help you understand how he maybe feeling. He may be tired and scared or he may want to grasp some precious life before he condemned to months of treatment. Or he may be just taking some control at a time where he feels all his choices are being made for him. If you can talk to him about this choice and why he had made it. I know you feel it is a negative aand maybe selfish move? Allow hm to explain.
My own mother went through six months of Chemo and was ready to give up much sooner than she actually did. She felt it her duty to carry on and delay the inevitable for all our sakes. At her last treatment she whispered that she was tired and together we made the decision that the three months of quality life she could have was more precious than the six months she could have being subjected to further Chemo. She apologised and felt that she was a quitter when all her life she had been a fighter . In our minds secretly we all thought ' just carry on it might work next time or the next but it would not have.
I see 20people a week with cancer diagnosis and for every 20 there are 20 different reactions to their diagnosis and another20 bewildered scared relatives smiling through and trying to cope. It is a nightmare and your dad is getting through it in the way that is right for him. Please even if you do not agree with his decision or even make sense of it.. Respect it and support him as best you can in it.
I wish you strength and courage to get through your own nightmare. I am so so sorry that you are facing this.
Please pm me if you have any questions

 

[Amy SF]

Kasandra I am sorry for you and your dad and your whole family.

 

[Kasandra]

Hi Kasandra
As clueless says I work with cancer patients every day of the week and for every patient that makes the decision not to have Chemo therapy there is invariably a relative who feels bewildered and hurt by this decision.
Unfortunately despite the fact that the whole family suffers with the patient ultimately it is his life and his decision. There are no right or wrong decisions only every one individuals own reaction to their situation.
Your dad may be weighing up qualitiy as opposed to longevity of life even if he not sharing this choice with you it may be what he is deciding on. Chemotherapy is not to be taken lightly it often brings with it horrendous side effects. Used early it can be bearable and doses can be low enough to maintain a fairly good quality of life. In later stages of life the aggressive nature of the cancer may dictate a need for aggressive Chemotherapy with more devastating side effects. When it is given later a patient is often already so weak and so tired that it saps all the effort they have left to fight on. I amnot suggesting that this is where your dad just trying to help you understand how he maybe feeling. He may be tired and scared or he may want to grasp some precious life before he condemned to months of treatment. Or he may be just taking some control at a time where he feels all his choices are being made for him. If you can talk to him about this choice and why he had made it. I know you feel it is a negative aand maybe selfish move? Allow hm to explain.
My own mother went through six months of Chemo and was ready to give up much sooner than she actually did. She felt it her duty to carry on and delay the inevitable for all our sakes. At her last treatment she whispered that she was tired and together we made the decision that the three months of quality life she could have was more precious than the six months she could have being subjected to further Chemo. She apologised and felt that she was a quitter when all her life she had been a fighter . In our minds secretly we all thought ' just carry on it might work next time or the next but it would not have.
I see 20people a week with cancer diagnosis and for every 20 there are 20 different reactions to their diagnosis and another20 bewildered scared relatives smiling through and trying to cope. It is a nightmare and your dad is getting through it in the way that is right for him. Please even if you do not agree with his decision or even make sense of it.. Respect it and support him as best you can in it.
I wish you strength and courage to get through your own nightmare. I am so so sorry that you are facing this.
Please pm me if you have any questions

Thank you Ann C for the explanation - I do respect my dads decision which every one his going to make, I just feel he needs to be informed about all his options, his dr been away since last friday and his only back tomorrow. I just feel my dad need to discuss going away and treatment options with his oncologist first before going away, so he knows what to expect. I do get frustrated and angry but I do respect my dads decision.

He sister and brother died of cancer years ago one from leukemia and one from bone marrow cancer and he witnessed what the chemo etc did to them, I think these images haunts him.

There is no easy way to deal with this.

I will def message you for more explanation etc if you dont mind.

Thank you for taking the time to respond here...

So hard to focus on work...

 

[Kasandra]

Kasandra I am sorry for you and your dad and your whole family.

HUGS HUGS AND KINDNESS - GOD SEND ME GAURDIAN ANGELS TO PROTECT ME EVERYDAY..

Thanks ... !!! Love ya

 

[Ann Chovie]

Thank you Ann C for the explanation - I do respect my dads decision which every one his going to make, I just feel he needs to be informed about all his options, his dr been away since last friday and his only back tomorrow. I just feel my dad need to discuss going away and treatment options with his oncologist first before going away, so he knows what to expect. I do get frustrated and angry but I do respect my dads decision.

He sister and brother died of cancer years ago one from leukemia and one from bone marrow cancer and he witnessed what the chemo etc did to them, I think these images haunts him.

There is no easy way to deal with this.

I will def message you for more explanation etc if you dont mind.

Thank you for taking the time to respond here...

So hard to focus on work...

I can tell how much you love your father from the way you write about him, and having lost my mother to cancer I know about tough decisions . Your anguish comes from wanting whats best for him and I hope you did not think I was questioning that.

Now , knowing about his brother and sister it maybe explains his reluctance to begin his Chemo. He is probably so engulfed in his memories of what Chemo is and does that his decision is actually a delaying mechanism.

Maybe, without sharing this with his family he is trying to block out his memories and mentally prepare himself to accept what he must go through. A holiday would remove him from the immediacy of Chemo, let him breathe, remove him from the hospital enviroment which is his constant reminder. Or maybe, as sometimes happens..he is hoping that if he delays it he will suddenly get better or be offered alternative treatment and avoid it altogether. Whatever his reasoning is he is clearly frightened and haunted by the past, he needs to talk to someone professional about this to dispel his fear and talk him through exactly what will happen.

Lots of clients need desperately to experience 'normal' before they start their treatment because they believe that once they begin Chemo they will not be able to again. Some, like your father have negative experiences of Chemo that blocks their minds to the possibility that they will cope with the Chemotherapy and come out the other side.

Often their experience of Chemotherapy is gleaned from the past when Chemo was a new medical treatment shrouded in mystery and negative press. My own auntie was treated with Chemo at a time when patients were isolated in a room with a glass pane that relatives could peer through to talk to them and all staff wore long gowns and masks to administer the treatment. Scary enough itself let alone the side effects!! Also, historically their experience ended in the death of their relative.

Chemo today is different, it is for the living too. Wards are open, relatives can sit with you as you have your treatment, medical teams are up beat and informed and the whole experience has a different feel. Ok..its not a bed of roses and the side effects can be difficult to manage , but often they last for a few days out of each month and allow normality between then and the next treatment.And when it is all difficult and scary there are nurses and medical teams on hand to ring or come in and see. There is a wealth of information about what will happen and why and someone there to talk to all the way through.

Your dad needs to know this...he is frightened.

 

[Kasandra]

Thanks so much. Thats the thing his driven by fear and I understand that, but I dont know how I can get him to understand that he must just go get options and talk to the dr openly - his also not truthful with the dr about all the signs etc.

So much as change since back in the day. My brother, mother and my dad are all seeing chemo as so negative, I am the only one - hardly saying it will be a walk in the park - see some form of positive in the situation -

But what if I am wrong? and they are right? what if this is the last opportunity he has to go away with my brother? My relationship with my dad is good and on track but I think there is some unsolved things my dad needs to get out of the way with my brother.

So I am also giving them the space.

I asked my dad to go see an orthopeadic specialist to get second opinion re his bone cancer which spread severly, now I really just want him to go discuss treatment with the dr to get all the facts.

Unfortunately I am the only one doing this and now feel my dad is pushing me aside.

 

[Ann Chovie]

You are in a really difficult position then Kasandra..

It may be crucial to your father that he sees your brother and 'gets his house in order' if he believes he is going to die. Everyone needs to do this and if he feels that you are attempting to block him doing this he will become resentful to you and later your brother may also resent you if he did not get an opportunity to make the peace. And despite the fact that you know you only have your fathers best interest at heart you may later find that even you blame yourself.

Bereavement is riddled with 'what if I had..' and 'If only I hadnt.' and there are so many anyway you do not want such a massive deal as this laid on your shoulders. It will be hard enough to cope with self blame and family blame .

This is why it is crucial that your father has all the facts on the table isnt it? I see your frustration. Your fathers choice need to be made in light of all the 'what ifs' and the decision has to be his alone after discussion of the options with his family. Is there anyone at all who could speak to your father other than you? Maybe if he feels you are pushing he has stopped listening? Maybe someone outside the family could explain the need for him to know timelines and possible consequences of delaying his treatment? Could it be that you are too close and it is all too tied up in emotional response and family history ?

 

[Kasandra]

Thanks again for the feed back Ann Chovie...

My mom did mention that my dad feels he needs to get his "house in order" and his very focus on that at the moment. Close family friends also came to chat to my dad, who has experience with terminal cancer history, they talked about chemo, side effects etc.

Everyone is trying to give support. Could be that my dad is just feeling overwhelmed.

His going away with my brother, but my brother did put me at ease by saying that if the Chemo is approved and a date is confirmed he will bring my dad back to start treatment right away.

They leaving on sunday.

My dad occasionally phones me trying to sound like nothing is wrong, I know his doing this to protect me as he thinks I am not strong enough to deal with his cancer. He is different with my mom and brother they get all the hard facts. But also not all of it. Maybe I should just let him do this if this is giving him some peace of mind.

My mom said he spoke to the Oncologist and he said its ok for my dad to go away for a week. IF this is true, I can only believe it is, then I should stop feeling so anxious and just make peace with it.

 

[Kasandra]

on a more positive note thou taking Ozzy to the park after work and then going to relax with a book and some wine... we have some of the best champagne and wine in the world here in Cape Town and so reasonable price.

 

[Kasandra]

ok so went for a walk with ozzy and kira, everyone keep telling me to do exercise but at the moment I dont think it is the best, i felt even more depleted after the exercise and on top of that moody cause I used energy I didnt have... As I am doing my best to eat decent and keep my energy up unfortunately I do lose my appetite when I go through something hectic.

Being kind to myself I think is the best thing I can do. Reading in bed with a book, watching a series with one glass of champagne and eating some potato wedges... Just little things ... Going for a haircut.

Today I just feel emotionally down in the pits... BUCKET empty...

Not going to talk to my bro, mom or dad today... Just going to try and recharge...

As for work... can you say SPACED OUT!!!!

 

[Ann Chovie]

Hi Kasandra
Yep you are definitely deserving of some 'me time'.

In a bit of a weird place myself (nothing so nightmarish as yours) but got a week off so investing in a haircut and promising myself some pampering amongst all the jobs on my 'to do' list!!!!

Enjoy

 

[Kasandra]

sorry to hear Ann Chovie

your plan sounds like a good one.

i took next thursday and friday off to go visit my mom. this weekend just taking it easy.

terrible pms which dont help my mood at all but going to ask hubby to give me a vitB injection after work - those really do help and go back to doing my yoga in the mornings....

I think a haircut is also on the cards for me and maybe a spray tan with my cousin.

We deserve some Me TIME....

Also going to watch Rocky Horror Picture Show with my friend on Saturday.

Just recharge recharge recharge.

Thanks again for all your advice...

This week has been very hard for me but all of you here make it so much better.

 

[Kasandra]

a little update, i was extremely upset when my dad phoned me friday, he phoned the medical aid to hear when his chemo plan would be approved just to be told they have never received it. The Dr went away on holiday over a week ago and told his admin lady to fax the chemo plan for my dad to medical aid. This must have slipped her mind? my dad tried to get some answers on friday but then she already left for the weekend. How incompetent!

Went to visit them yesterday, it was nice to see my dad, I know the best thing I can do for him is just be strong and show him I am ok, we did speak a little bit about what is going on but I just let him set the pace and do the talking.

His going away with my brother this morning but will return when he has to start treatment.

I took Thursday and Friday off to go visit my mom.

I just need a few days.

Feeling better after a great weekend with friends.

 

[KLS52]

Glad to hear the visit went ok and that you will have a few days for yourself.

 

[Kasandra]

ok so had a mini freak out last week, i went to visit my mom as my dad and brother went away for a week, it was emotionally very hard for me hearing my mom talking about everything, i didnt want to see my dads cancer scan but as my mom wanted to share her feelings i said yes. I was shocked ... not prepared for that.

it was a very hard weekend - seeing my mom so upset and emotional, trying in her own way to deal with what is happening.

we had a nice family lunch on sunday.

dad starting cortosone pills today and intense chemo tomorrow... waiting in anticipation.

i am trying not to think about it so much, but how do you switch off? how do you not think about it...

i will however, need to find a way to deal with the stress as I am getting neck spasms and pizza face from all the break outs on my skin....