Novv I literally am scared. Parts that are like dangerous to vvrite in this situation I have marked vvith smaller text size and italics. The psychiatric connection that vvas/is attached to me, the having ended perceived patient-relation more than a year ago (not on the run no) has been disrespected. I assume a causage of much of the suffering and vvriting of a provoking kind I have done. Suddenly I read in the journal note added last month, magically - after contact vvith administration a long time ago, the continued "relation" having been mentioned an error - its like "old Danish" in nature. They are creepy. I get hindered in expressing freely and describing as I sought, affected into generating perception of being "dangerous" (brainvvashed severely in there, and spirituality (frankly just social connection and like a social infrastructure or something like that); I need defense against psychiatry, especially that kind (drug imposing, manipulative, forcing into severely harmful environment etc.). I vvant to ask for help, obviously not from psychiatry or affiliated that vvould exploit this. I feel as though this system is forced upon me vvhere I judge myself, despite that being a factor in the judging and causing less caring, systems detaching from the evaluation in the illusory aspects. Vvriting things like "the patient does not seem to have medication available" and things like that, tempting me vvith addictive drugs and frankly I feel threatened. Not that its a precise translation though quite close. Also that these refer to me as patient, I am not their patient and frankly I refuse referring to having been a patient by these (vvhat these did to me, that aint doctoralism or caring, closer to torture, suppression and punishment) - I vvas connected loosely though to an extent ruining my life completely, only focused on getting to a better situation from 2011-2015. I am trying to say that I am not a goddamn patient and that vvas ended a year ago, I have suffered immensively at these not having respected that, vvhat the hell is vvrong vvith them (These are so hindering for anything and everything healthy, destroying good participation and limiting life alongside causing disease and sickness to an extent you vvould believe unamiginable; deceiving and taking authority these do not even remotely have the ability to handle. To point this at being fear and attempts at securing themselves makes no sense)? I could even have, through the passively improved lifestyle I lead and am still progressing on have improved the situation for these and their ability to do at least something good for anyone that might be happy at vvhat these do and actually benefit. Probably does exist, and not just in illusion like I vvas 2011-2015. These people, forcefeed people drugs (addictive drugs) that use animal experimentation and heavily at that; not to mention the human suffering involved in the production lines. I left these for ethical reasons, at least faster than I vvould have, originally. Turns out I could easily have thrived vvithout them, the rationalization of these though; I could have gone to Narcotics Anonymous, I had not even an idea that this vvas possible. Novv an illusion has been created, partially in these not having let go of me, its like there is no caring for the individual and that its just about suppression. At least they could be honest about it, then it vvould be like police but at least relatives and people around them vvould see hovv vvronged people are and the horrors these are put through, that its not an act of hospitality or doctorality, something draining the very trust in the idea of caring for humans in the sense of doctoralism. Imagine having been shot in the back severely (I care for all life, also did, novv to a much lesser extent and it cannot be removed no (my dad vvorks in medical industry, I fear a connection here)), like vvith a shotgun, and your father and mother standing like applauding and telling you that your siblings just need to knovv that you feel safe. Its all a goddamn joke. See, this is sanity, being able to see vvhat happened to me for vvhat it is. Apologies; I vvrote something a different place. A hypothetical situation I am considering, I assume on spiritual levels if anything. I.e. not intentional human levels. Another thought; Am I doing something that makes me perceived like a political prisoner of sorts? https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Solovki_prison_camp Might have to do vvith going to NA for addictive drugs provided by and used by psychiatry. Alongside the animal experimentation being something I refuse to partake in. I am uncertain, or that I dislike causing terror attacks and partake not in such (I resented this idea of a God that used hell to force people to behave properly or damn these eternally). I take the russian prison camp over psychiatry, thank you.