Have been finding myself not want to interact with people at all recently and studying chess at home in all of my free time. My default is to interact with other people and not focus on my internal state when I'm always out of my apartment.
Growing up I had a very traumatic childhood I was always getting into fights and hanging out with the pothead crowd by the time I was in high school. As a kid I got a restraining order against a parent from much of the abuse that occurred when I was very young. With all of these memories and feeling wired differently than other people it seems like a lot of this bad energy has been trying to find its way back into my life. Having processed these events over a lifetime there is still some lingering anger and distrust not directed at any one person.
It could be that I feel that I have missed out on the normal parts of life and have focused more as connecting at a distance all too many chunks of time. I would get close to a gf or a best friend and then automatically push those people away, break up, change up friends. It's gotten better as I'm currently more aware of the patterns. There are maybe three or four people who I could never see myself distrusting and then there is this sense that my soul is being torn in many directions with the rest of the world. Like a sad and racy feeling.
Now with free time I have been going to addictions w technology, food, sometimes use meditation and or exercise as an escape. It helps my mind get away from some of these bad realities and falling into the abyss of thoughts.
Just worried about getting lost and escaping so far away from what's really going to help me feel whole.
Growing up I had a very traumatic childhood I was always getting into fights and hanging out with the pothead crowd by the time I was in high school. As a kid I got a restraining order against a parent from much of the abuse that occurred when I was very young. With all of these memories and feeling wired differently than other people it seems like a lot of this bad energy has been trying to find its way back into my life. Having processed these events over a lifetime there is still some lingering anger and distrust not directed at any one person.
It could be that I feel that I have missed out on the normal parts of life and have focused more as connecting at a distance all too many chunks of time. I would get close to a gf or a best friend and then automatically push those people away, break up, change up friends. It's gotten better as I'm currently more aware of the patterns. There are maybe three or four people who I could never see myself distrusting and then there is this sense that my soul is being torn in many directions with the rest of the world. Like a sad and racy feeling.
Now with free time I have been going to addictions w technology, food, sometimes use meditation and or exercise as an escape. It helps my mind get away from some of these bad realities and falling into the abyss of thoughts.
Just worried about getting lost and escaping so far away from what's really going to help me feel whole.
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