Developing a thick skin

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Pickle Juice said:
There's a clear difference between telling someone their post is rude and calling them rude.
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I don't think this relates to you, I can't remember, but there is also a clear difference between someone saying they don't like something and someone saying everyone who does that thing is stupid.
However, repeated attempts to clarify this were either ignored or downplayed.

It seems that some people here are allowed to make harsh blanket statements but those who disagree are emotional or irrational. Some are asked to be considerate of the opposing viewpoint, but not afforded the same courtesy.
 
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Moll Flanders said:
I'm sorry but how is repeating your nasty comment back to you about a month after you made it a personal comment? :confused: The situation that you were talking about on here was nothing to do with me so I don't see why it would be personal to me. It seems you think that you should be able to lose their temper and name-call or be rude but the rest of us should try to be more polite even if we are offended by posts on here.
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What is your goal here? You are mistaken in your assumptions about me, so I am wondering why you keep pushing this. Can you find instances outside of the thread you are bringing up in which I have repeatedly lost my temper and attacked people or called them names? Are you unaware, or simply choosing to ignore, that I have not done anything rude or inappropriate since? Or are you just insisting that if I have screwed up once in the past, it should give everyone here license to say whatever unpleasant things they please to anyone they want with no regard for whether it is even justified?
 
RabbitLuvr said:
I don't think this relates to you, I can't remember, but there is also a clear difference between someone saying they don't like something and someone saying everyone who does that thing is stupid.
However, repeated attempts to clarify this were either ignored or downplayed.

It seems that some people here are allowed to make harsh blanket statements but those who disagree are emotional or irrational. Some are asked to be considerate of the opposing viewpoint, but not afforded the same courtesy.
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I think if people find posts that are problematic, but don't report them, it can look like they are being allowed, when it's really just a case of them not being seen. Even when they are seen by a mod or the admin, they may not necessarily be interpreted as inappropriate, because what's offensive to one may not be offensive to another.

No one is trying to tell people they shouldn't be offended by things they read. We just want people to handle it differently, in order to avoid all the hurt feelings.
 
Pickle Juice said:
What is your goal here? You are mistaken in your assumptions about me, so I am wondering why you keep pushing this.
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Pushing this? I wrote two posts about it.:p I was just pointing out that you were hypocritical by telling people to be more polite as you have been rude on here too.

I have no idea what the goal of this thread is anyway. Telling people to develop a thick skin isn't the best advice as other people have said.
 
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beancounter said:
Just some thoughts for those who venture into this forum.

Developing a thick skin
"Here are a few tips to developing a thick skin:
Don't take things personally. Sometimes you may need to reframe a person's bad behavior by remembering that it's not about you.
Don't let others get to you. Refuse to get overly responsive to the negative feelings and provocations of others. Adopt strategies that regulate emotional arousal; otherwise negativity hijacks the thinkingbrain. Try simple deep breathing or declare time out."

http://www.psychologytoday.com/articles/200410/the-thick-skinned

http://www.sparkpeople.com/blog/blog.asp?post=is_it_possible_to_grow_thicker_skin
http://www.cnn.com/2011/12/09/living/develop-thick-skin-rs
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Pickle Juice said:
~snip~
No one is trying to tell people they shouldn't be offended by things they read.
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~snip~
It looks as if that is exactly what this thread is doing.
 
I don't understand why this thread in particular is so confusing. Two different people have two opinions about a topic. Beancounter thinks people who don't have thick skins ought to think twice about the kinds of discussions they get into on forums. I agree. I also think that if you don't have a thick skin, and don't think you need to develop one, but still want to engage in discussions with people who have very strong opinions and blunt styles of expression, make very sure that you are indeed being personally attacked before you assume you are and act out on it. Opinions on the topic being discussed are encouraged. Calling your fellow debaters anti-woman, anti-man, bigoted, homophobic, etc. etc. just because they are debating with you in a style you find offensive is not welcome. It's like attending a midnight viewing of the Rocky Horror Picture Show and starting a fist fight with the person sitting behind you because a piece of toast landed on your head and you took that as a deliberate insult.
 
ledboots said:
~snip~
It looks as if that is exactly what this thread is doing.
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You can be offended. Just don't assume that it's about you or a personal attack against you, when it's just someone's opinion.

Also, it seems to me that some people actively look for things to be offended by, as if seeking some sort of validation/righteousness.
 
Pickle Juice said:
Calling your fellow debaters anti-woman, anti-man, bigoted, homophobic, etc. etc. just because they are debating with you in a style you find offensive is not welcome.
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Shouldn't those people grow some thick skin too, to better deal with the backlash?
 
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How to choose not to be offended

"Offense seems to be an obligation. A natural response to someone else. When we see things that we do not like, we feel we have no choice but to become upset. And express it adamantly.
We view our reponse as outside of our hands. We are only reacting to others.
Like most thing, however, offense is really an issue of the self. It has nothing to do with the person who is offending you and everything to do with you."

http://www.jeremystatton.com/offense#comments
 
beancounter said:
How to choose not to be offended

"Offense seems to be an obligation. A natural response to someone else. When we see things that we do not like, we feel we have no choice but to become upset. And express it adamantly.
We view our reponse as outside of our hands. We are only reacting to others.
Like most thing, however, offense is really an issue of the self. It has nothing to do with the person who is offending you and everything to do with you."

http://www.jeremystatton.com/offense#comments
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I wonder if Jeremy would be offended if I told him his blog post is full of ****?
 
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I think what's needed is not developing a thicker skin but developing a different debate style. Instead of saying "you're stupid and you're anti-whatever, blah blah blah", say "I don't agree with you and here's why..." Is that possible?
 
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beancounter said:
How to choose not to be offended

"Offense seems to be an obligation. A natural response to someone else. When we see things that we do not like, we feel we have no choice but to become upset. And express it adamantly.
We view our reponse as outside of our hands. We are only reacting to others.
Like most thing, however, offense is really an issue of the self. It has nothing to do with the person who is offending you and everything to do with you."

http://www.jeremystatton.com/offense#comments
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How to choose not to be offended, by some white guy. Mr. Statton should probably check his privilege.
 
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Spang said:
I mean the person posting the insulting (anti-woman, bigoted, homophobic, etc.) thing.
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I think people would be happier if they could manage to take beancounter's advice. That's not to say that I think they should. It's up to them. But in terms of what is acceptable on forums, I don't know any forums that want to see people accusing other people of being any of those things. Even when it may be justified.

What's wrong here is that there is a rampant misconception that people with whom one disagrees are being deliberately offensive and personally insulting, when it is much more likely that there is either simply a lack of understanding of the other person's motivations, or a personality clash.
 
Spang said:
How to choose not to be offended, by some white guy. Mr. Statton should probably check his privilege.
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So, because he's white and "privileged", he's not entitled his opinion, or his opinion is wrong?

I beleive your reponse is a tactic used to hush debate. similar to the PC crowd labeling someone because they don't like what he says. trying to shame people into being quiet for fear of being labeled.
 
beancounter said:
Like I keep on saying. It's a matter of perspective. A state of mind.
Being offended is a choice made by the listener based on their own perceptions. It is not a universal law. (like physics).
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Well love, anger, pity, and empathy are perceptions and states of mind as well then, I guess. This makes them not real, or not important?
 
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