Do you believe in spanking as a form of discipline?

[Forster]

I was spanked - often - and I turned out fine. I chose not to spank, and both of my kids turned out fine, too. But I think they like me and trust me a whole lot more than I like or trust my mother.

Never, ever... even a couple of times?

 

[Forster]

I think a lot of parents spank because theyre lazy and don't want to take the time and effort to teach their child using non violent methods. THAT is what pisses me off the most about spanking. I have no patience for lazy parenting techniques.

I don't know if it's so much as laziness as much as this is the only way they know how to raise/discipline their kids. Seriously wouldn't surprise me if 90% of parents raise/discipline there kids exactly how they were raised.

 

[Lord Snot]

I don't know if it's so much as laziness as much as this is the only way they know how to raise/discipline their kids. Seriously wouldn't surprise me if 90% of parents raise/discipline there kids exactly how they were raised.

I think you're right there. Unless you actively try to educate yourself, the cycle is self perpetuating.

 

[Forster]

I also want my children to listen to me because they respect me, not because they fear me. I do everything in my power to protect my child from harm so I can't imagine inflicting that harm onto him myself.

I would say most parents would rather want their children to respect them vs fear... in a lot of cases that is just going to have to wait till they are older or even adults when they finally understand the bigger picture. No matter what you do when you discipline the kids they are going to be angry and or fear you. You will end up intimidating them.

 

[Forster]

Me too. My mum only hit me 3 or 4 times and I knew, even as a kid, that she had lost control and that's why she had done it. It made me lose respect for her, although I couldn't have articulated it in those words at the time. It never made me think "wow, that thing I just did was so bad that it got the worse punishment", it just made me think "wow, mum lost her temper and she's always telling me not to do that".

Parents are human they can and do lose control from time to time like everybody else when stressed. If someone were to tell me they raised kids to adulthood and never once lost it I'd ask them where their rose colored glasses were prescribed from.

 

[Lord Snot]

Parents are human they can and do lose control from time to time like everybody else when stressed. If someone were to tell me they raised kids to adulthood and never once lost it I'd ask them where their rose colored glasses were prescribed from.

But losing it and shouting, or losing it and crying, and losing it and committing violence against a child are different things.

 

[Forster]

But losing it and shouting, or losing it and crying, and losing it and committing violence against a child are different things.

Yes and no. They are all going to be traumatic to the child especially the shouting and physical violence. I'd only argue the physical violence was more traumatic if it was of such a nature as to cause injury.

 

[Chryssie]

I do not believe in spanking. IMHO it teaches children it is ok to hit someone smaller than you are.... think about the ramifications of THAT. The seeds of bullying are firmly planted. I was spanked twice when I was a child and I remember both instances clearly. I admit I swatted my kids on the butt a few times BEFORE I had attended classes on child development. My youngest was very strong willed and "hyper." However in preschool, he was taught to behave with a reward system which worked wonders. I think most people just don't know any better and as has been stated ... they parent the way they were raised. I wish that child development classes/parenting classes were required in high school. I was so ignorant with my first son; I think after my classes I did better with my second.

 

[Forster]

I would argue that if you still remember the spankings you were in fact to old to be spanked.

 

[yakherder]

Trying to justify hitting your kid is like trying to justify hitting your wife. If you hit any other human being it would be assault/abuse.

There is a subtle difference between spanking and what is typically referred to as hitting. If I hit my girlfriend, the end result will be a domestic violence conviction. If I spank her, the end result will probably be sex, and maybe another kid to decide whether or not to spank.

 

[Fyvel]

I don't know if it's so much as laziness as much as this is the only way they know how to raise/discipline their kids. Seriously wouldn't surprise me if 90% of parents raise/discipline there kids exactly how they were raised.

I do think this is the case a lot of the time. Interesting though that at least two people in this thread are against spanking because it was done to them.

I do not believe in spanking. IMHO it teaches children it is ok to hit someone smaller than you are.... think about the ramifications of THAT. The seeds of bullying are firmly planted.

One of the toddlers at our local park is notorious for being a bully. He hits and pushes other kids all the time. I get that kids do hit other kids, but this one really stands out. One day we were there and he smacked another little girl in the face with a toy hard enough to make her bleed. His Dad took him over to the bunch and threatened to hit him if he did it again. All I could think was "oh, so that's where he gets it from" and it made me sad

I would argue that if you still remember the spankings you were in fact to old to be spanked.

I remember being spanked and I don't think I was spanked much older than 4 (I think that's the age you said earlier?). I'm curious why you think it's ok to spank a kid who won't remember it? Surely if they are that young, any teaching effect would not hold?

There is a subtle difference between spanking and what is typically referred to as hitting. If I hit my girlfriend, the end result will be a domestic violence conviction. If I spank her, the end result will probably be sex, and maybe another kid to decide whether or not to spank.

Ok then, replace "hitting" with "spanking" in my sentence. It doesn't really change the implications, spanking is just hitting someone with the palm of your hand. If you spanked/hit your wife to try to punish her or teach her a lesson, she would likely consider that to be domestic violence, even if the same action on your part might be enjoyable to her in a different capacity. The difference is consent. If she consents to you hitting her and enjoys it, I could care less!

It is interesting you brought this up, because of the possible sexual implications of spanking children: http://www.sciencedaily.com/releases/2008/02/080228220451.htm

 

[Wolfie]

My only opinion is spanking (as in how Forster described it) is NOT the same as beating/abuse. I get tired of seeing it compared that way.

I also get tired of seeing the child/wife comparison. Your relationship with your spouse should be different than the one with your kid. You are not raising your spouse and you shouldn't be ordering them as to what they should and shouldn't do. The problem with many out of control kids today is no one steps up to be a parent. They are too busy being Junior's friend.

 

[Poppy]

Never, ever... even a couple of times?

Yeah, I was not a perfect parent, by any means. But no, when I say that I "chose" not to spank, I meant that it was not ever an acceptable option. I never thought it was "ok". I admit that I did grab arms, yank, and take advantage of my bigger size and somewhat larger vocabulary. But no, throwing someone over my knee or holding by one arm and striking his or her bottom over and over were not options that I considered to be reasonable corrections to temper tantrums or backtalk.

 

[Lord Snot]

Yes and no. They are all going to be traumatic to the child especially the shouting and physical violence. I'd only argue the physical violence was more traumatic if it was of such a nature as to cause injury.

IMO hitting them has worse ramifications than shouting at them, unless you are shouting abuse. Violence is automatically abuse, although not always in the sense of wilfully abusing a child because you're sadistic etc. It teaches kids that it's okay to hit people when you're angry or scared or otherwise out of control, which is something I'd never want to teach them. Raising your voice when angry, although still not ideal, is a much better option.

 

[Freesia]

I dont believe in spanking a child as a disciplinary measure, it would be better to use other techniques. I did nearly hit a child last week however, this boy of about 11 at a shopping mall launched himself at me and he looked like he was going to push me or hit me. I was ready to hit him back.

I dont know if that counts or not... he was a child but he was about the same height as me and I really wasnt in the mood for some bratty horrible child to start pushing me or hitting me as I was walking along minding my own business.

Luckily he took a look at me and then suddenly ran off. I heard his mother calling him too, I think she must have seen him accosting me.

 

[Fyvel]

My only opinion is spanking (as in how Forster described it) is NOT the same as beating/abuse. I get tired of seeing it compared that way.

I also get tired of seeing the child/wife comparison. Your relationship with your spouse should be different than the one with your kid. You are not raising your spouse and you shouldn't be ordering them as to what they should and shouldn't do. The problem with many out of control kids today is no one steps up to be a parent. They are too busy being Junior's friend.

The child/wife comparison isn't meant to assume your relationship should be the same with both, but it points out how arguments for hitting/spanking children really fall apart when you replace "child" with "wife". If your spouse was in an accident that left them brain damaged so that they were functioning at the level of a 2 or 3 year old, you wouldn't be trying to justify spanking them in any capacity (at least I hope not). The comparison is used to show how absurd it is to try to justify hitting another human being as a form of discipline regardless of your relationship with them.

Not spanking and not providing rules/guidance/boundaries are two different things. Studies pretty consistently show that spanking actually causes behavior to worsen.

Yeah, I was not a perfect parent, by any means. But no, when I say that I "chose" not to spank, I meant that it was not ever an acceptable option. I never thought it was "ok". I admit that I did grab arms, yank, and take advantage of my bigger size and somewhat larger vocabulary. But no, throwing someone over my knee or holding by one arm and striking his or her bottom over and over were not options that I considered to be reasonable corrections to temper tantrums or backtalk.

Yeah, I don't get how it is so hard to believe someone never spanked their kids. :/

 

[ElaineV]

So I've actually researched this. And here's what I found:
- spanking IS effective (in the short term, for exactly the kinds of things Forster was talking about like running into the street)
- but spanking is NO MORE effective than other discipline techniques
- spanking rarely causes serious damage to a person by making them more violent/aggressive
- however, there IS a correlation between spanking and increased violence/aggression (it's just that it noly effects a small number of people)
- yet the VAST majority of parents have spanked their children, though probably just a few times and only when the children were toddlers (many parents will not admit it in settings where spanking is frowned upon)

Personally, I think parents who spank are not necessarily bad parents but I think spanking should be discouraged in our society because of the potential for serious negative side effects.

 

[Fyvel]

I am under the impression that the correlation between spanking and increased aggression is a bit more concrete than rare examples. It's not just the increased aggression, it increases all sorts of other bad behaviors in exchange for a quick fix.

Here is just one example

http://www.time.com/time/magazine/article/0,9171,1983895,00.html

Among mothers surveyed in 20 cities when their children were both 3 and 5 years old, nearly half (45.6%) reported not spanking their 3-year-olds in the previous month, 27.9% reported spanking once or twice that month, and 26.5% reported spanking more than twice. As 5-year-olds, the children who had been spanked were more likely than the nonspanked to be defiant, demand immediate satisfaction of their wants and needs, become frustrated easily, have temper tantrums and lash out physically against other people or animals.
The reason for this may be that spanking sets up a loop of bad behavior. Corporal punishment instills fear rather than understanding. Even if children stop tantrums when spanked, that doesn't mean they get why they shouldn't have been acting up in the first place. What's more, spanking sets a bad example, teaching children that aggressive behavior is a solution to their parents' problems.

 

[Forster]

Personally, I think parents who spank are not necessarily bad parents but I think spanking should be discouraged in our society because of the potential for serious negative side effects.

I would not disagree with that.

Seriously we both frowned on using violence on raising our kids, there were times however... Not that I would agree that one swift swat on a diapered butt would constitute physical violence any more than yelling at a kid would constitute verbal violence. 90+% of what we did was approval for being good which IMO helps immensely with the disapproval side of things and setting consequences for poor behavior and sticking to our guns. When they got older and they asked to do something/go somewhere and we weren't comfortable with it, it wasn't a snap no answer. It was more of a this is what I'm worried about why shouldn't I be... and leave it up to them to explain.

Anyway one of my most effective consequences was when my youngest got mad he liked to slam his bedroom door, told him one more time his door was coming off for a week... he didn't believe me. Hasn't slammed a door since, lol.

 

[Lord Snot]

r... Not that I would agree that one swift swat on a diapered butt would constitute physical violence ...

Did it hurt the child? If not, why would it be effective?