I started this question in the chat thread but I am asking it here. If your partner told you that he was looking into donating sperm, for a little more money, would you be upset? My partner just said he was trying to do so.
If he
told me that he was
looking into it, I'd not really be upset, personally. People can look into all sorts of thing that never actually go anywhere, and it's great that he's communicating his thoughts with you. I'd be a bit apprehensive about the idea, but not upset.
If I
found out that he was
already doing it, we'd be having an entirely different conversation.
Personally I think we have plenty of people on the planet already, not all of whom are gonna grow up with mums and dads who love them, taking cvare of them, with food in their tummies and a safe place to sleep... so the idea of him contributing to making more people, while the ones here aint having the best time- and could be in homes if somebody took them in, instead of creating a new model.. frankly it would make me wanna kick him right in the 'nads.
I'd be ok with his swimmers being used for research though- just not for making into new people, or into foetuses for research.
I do understand it is his sperm and he can do what he pleases with it and it helps other couples who are trying for kids,
In a way, it's kinda your sperm too, if you're in a relationship- not cos you can control it, but because you have a bond with him that means you feel close to him, and which means that if he does around making people, you might well be affected by it if you're still together in 20 years time, or so.
but something upset me. I can not quite pinpoint what is is though.
Yeah, I bet you can. Keep talking and thinking.... it'll come to you...
I basically flipped out and said well I will strip then. I made no sense. We tried to have a conversation after that, but I was not talking.
It sounds like you were pretty frightened and angry, and/or really caught off guard, and lashed out. Did it help- your threatening to become a stripper?
I bet it didn't.
Maybe next time something like this comes crashing down on you, try to stop, take a breath, and be slightly more self-aware- it's really ok that you feel really unsettled by random change and bolts from the blue. Pretty natural. Big information to process. You don't
have to get in a flap though- that part is optional- you're in control.
Instead of throwing threats or crazy analogies that don't really work, next time, decide to give yourself some time and space to reflect on what you're feeling and thinking. You could leave the conversation for the next day- put a pin in the subject, get your diary out and write about your feelings, or sleep on it, and come back to it when you have a clearer head.
It might have to do with the fact I am adopted and felt outcast around everyone all my life or other personal reasons, yet irrational in the circumstance.
There you go! Mystery solved.
Not irrational really. Understandable.
It's relatively normal to project your personal experiences onto other scenarios -cos we make sense of the world based in large part on how we've experienced it. That includes making sense of how we feel about stuff which didn't even happen yet, and 'didn't happen' to
other people- based on how we feel about what went down with us, in the past. It's empathy, imagination, that sorta thing.
But it's not always entirely helpful to do that too much, if it blurs out the bigger picture and affects your ability to have a good discussion... and if you're projecting stuff way behind the realms of where it belongs. Which perhaps you were, on this occasion.
Basically:
You were adopted.
You've felt outcast through your life. That is really very very sad. I'm sorry.
Are you getting help for that? Please be getting help.
Help is good.
BUT.... (big but here)
Does every adopted child feel exactly the same way as you? Probably not. I bet a pretty large amount of adopted children have grappled with understanding their beginnings, and have spent some time working through their sense of who they are as an individual. But at the same time, I'm sure that a lot of adoptees really aren't having any issues with that stuff, and haven't had them before, either, and won't have them in future- cos we're all unique, we all have different experiences, and brains, and support systems around us.
Also, many people who
weren't adopted, have the same sorts of complicated challenges, for
many different reasons. Many of them come out of the other end of those dark places feeling pretty ok, too.
Are children of sperm donors 'the same' as adopted children? Not really.
They may share in common the possible challenge of having a limited amount of information about one genetic parent available to them... but that doesn't mean they'll automatically have any of the same experiences or issues that you have had to deal with. Lots of stuff affects how our lives pan out, how we feel about ourselves, who we feel that we are, etc. Tonnes of it. Stuff aplenty.
Lots of kids conceived with donor sperm may grow up to be perfectly happy, well adjusted adults, who are really fine with the fact that half of their DNA comes from a guy who wanted no more from the deal than a bit more cash in his pocket than he had, but who was still happy to help their parent/s to create them- knowing that they couldn't do the job alone, and that those potential parents were willing and able to provide a child with some DNA that matches theirs, with a wonderful start to life.
Lots of them are probably super-grateful for the opportunity for a life, are probably very happy that they were raised by spectacular people, and are appreciative that somebody with good genes and an open-minded perspective on life, but who didn't want to get all up in their life, supplied the jizz to get things started with their awesome existence, and then stayed right out of the way.
Will what happened with you, affect the lives of little future-people who might exist as a result of your BF giving out some sperm? Probably not.
Should it affect your BF's choice to donate sperm, or not donate it? Hmmmm. How you FEEL about his actions, should have some bearing on what he decides to do. If you think it's a horrible idea, and don't want him to do it, and want to break up if he does it... he'll have to decide what he wants to do.
Should he not do this, just because you didn't have the most awesome experience of childhood as an adopted child? Uh... no. The kids that come from his sperm won't be you, and won't be adopted, and won't have your personal past. If he does this, and you feel hurt by his choice.... then you both need to look at your choices, and what makes you tick, and how you relate to each other.
But how you feel about this whole thing, and about byourself and your past- it's clearly affecting
your life, right now, so I hope
you're getting support to work through it.
I heard of children of donors finding the father and I have heard of mothers trying to sue for child support. It is his choice if he wants to know he might have someone with his DNA that he does not know about.
That legal stuff could well be a concern, IF he does go through with donating (it's still an 'if'). Laws change. We can't see the future. Some kid may knock on his door one day who is wicked ****** off, or who has a bag with a billion bucks in it to give to him, or who wants a kidney, or he may spend the next 50 years wondering about whether he might be genetically related to every kid he passes in the street. Has he thought about that stuff? What does he think? Does he have to see a shrink before he can donate? Is there after-care counselling?
(Sorry if I am no making much sense, my brain is bouncing right now.)
don't worry about it luv. my brain is like a sodding bouncy castle all of the time. I can relate.
BTW: they'll probably include a drug test as part of the screening. THC stays in your system for upto 3 months. He might wanna look into that.
