Health Issues Cancer
- Thread starter Kasandra
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Ann Chovie
Ploughing my own furrow
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- Apr 4, 2013
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Hi kassandra
Good to hear from you again I have wondered how things were going.
Try and keep positive, you already write as if you are stronger and more confident dealing with the situation, maybe because you are becoming familiar with the medical terms and the prediction of how he will deal with his treatment?
You are coping amazingly well but remember to look after you too xxxx
As always Here for you if you have any questions I can possibly answer .
Good to hear from you again I have wondered how things were going.
Try and keep positive, you already write as if you are stronger and more confident dealing with the situation, maybe because you are becoming familiar with the medical terms and the prediction of how he will deal with his treatment?
You are coping amazingly well but remember to look after you too xxxx
As always Here for you if you have any questions I can possibly answer .
GingerFoxx
No effin' whey!
No real updates on my end, unfortunately. After doing every test under the sun, the oncologist can't find any tumors. The GI specialist is out of leads too. We don't know what's making my boyfriend feel so awful and making his bloodwork so strongly point to cancer. The search continues...
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Thanks Ann Chovie, I try to be as strong as I can but everyday it eats at me a little bit more everyday, its hard to be joyful and full of energy when a loved one is fighting and dying infront of your eyes. Sometimes I just feel like breaking down.
My dad went for his last chemo session #6, my mom said they are using the strongest chemo treatment for him, it made him very sick this time around. His just feeling miserable and depressed with no joy. It is hard seeing and hearing him like this.
It scares me that they stopped the chemo now, cause it was what kept the chemo from even spreading further then it already is. I am sure the chemo is just for pain management more than anything else.
He has to go for another "flikker test" in February to see if the cancer is spreading more.
His getting bone injections at the moment and taking pain meds.
I can only focus on day to day... sometimes I dont know how to deal with everything.... and whats to come.
I feel extremely sorry for my mom who is attending and looking after my dad 24/7, his not the most grateful patient and can be very difficult taking out all his frustrations on my mother.
My mother is a super star.. so strong.... i salute her.
Ann Chovie
Ploughing my own furrow
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It is common to feel scared when Chemotherapy
Yes your mum is strong it is an emotional nightmare walking with someone on their cancer journey . I had this role when my mother went through her chemotherapy as my father was physically and mentally too ill to do so due to altzeimers . It was incredibly tough and a thankless job literally at times! The patient is often smiling and compliant with everyone around but you leaving you not only emotionally and physically wrecked but also sulky and unappreciated!!
You need to learn to let comments and actions go unchallenged in acknowledgement of the reasons for the outburst but never the less they wound and bruise.
As for the cessation of the Chemotheraphy .. It is very commom to fear the end of the course. While Chemo is being given you have a visible regonition that attempts are being made to halt the spread or at least slow it down. Patients often need reassurance that further Chemo would not be useful. People feel safe on Chemo however much they dreaded it or however awful it made them feel.
In your dads case he appears to be on an aggressive form of Chemo that his body would not be able to tolerate for many sessions. How many courses of Chemo depens on its strength. Milder forms can be given daily over shorter cycles but not in the case of your dads .
Cycles are carefully worked out in an assesent of their potential benefit and effectiveness in destroying cancer cells against the damage they are causing to healthy cells .
Yes your mum is strong it is an emotional nightmare walking with someone on their cancer journey . I had this role when my mother went through her chemotherapy as my father was physically and mentally too ill to do so due to altzeimers . It was incredibly tough and a thankless job literally at times! The patient is often smiling and compliant with everyone around but you leaving you not only emotionally and physically wrecked but also sulky and unappreciated!!
You need to learn to let comments and actions go unchallenged in acknowledgement of the reasons for the outburst but never the less they wound and bruise.
As for the cessation of the Chemotheraphy .. It is very commom to fear the end of the course. While Chemo is being given you have a visible regonition that attempts are being made to halt the spread or at least slow it down. Patients often need reassurance that further Chemo would not be useful. People feel safe on Chemo however much they dreaded it or however awful it made them feel.
In your dads case he appears to be on an aggressive form of Chemo that his body would not be able to tolerate for many sessions. How many courses of Chemo depens on its strength. Milder forms can be given daily over shorter cycles but not in the case of your dads .
Cycles are carefully worked out in an assesent of their potential benefit and effectiveness in destroying cancer cells against the damage they are causing to healthy cells .
I just spent four days with a childhood friend who lost her husband in June after a seven year battle with Multiple Myeloma. I can't believe some of the stories she shared about how difficult it was for her at times. So sad. My heart goes out to those of you who have loved ones with cancer. 
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Hi Annie C, thanks again for the great insight.
It almost feel we are "all" going through the cycle of chemo with my dad, when his feeling better we are feeling better etc... Or me at least. His so down and depressed at the moment and what really worries me is that his complaining that both his hips, on either side pains during the night, I told him to pop his pain pills and not worry about getting addicted to them etc... his past that point... he must just take as much as he can to avoid pain. I am just giving him his space... cause I can hear he just need it. In the end, I just dont want him to be in pain or suffer too much. I did hear bone cancer can be very painful.
My heart goes out to my mother, my dad, who always been in control is now in a position where he has almost no control and he feels frustrated and takes it all out on my mother, she cooks for him, do everything for him but his still so ungrateful. I think she is getting really recentful and just want this whole ordeal to be over with. Its really tough on her emotionally. I try to be there for her and listen as much as possible.
Its just like I am stuck between a rock and a hard place....
I try to just breath and take it day to day. Do what I can and let go of what I can't... I do feel emotional drained after work each day.... I dont know how to explain it its not that I am looking like gloom and doom but I do feel a sadness in my heart most of the time, like life is just going through motions at the moment.
I try to look after myself.
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I just spent four days with s childhood friend who lost her husband in June after a seven year battle with Multiple Myeloma. I can't believe some of the stories she shared about how difficult it was for her at times. So sad. My heart goes out to those of you who have loved ones with cancer.
Ann Chovie
Ploughing my own furrow
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Please do this. Without pointing too fine a point on it , later you will need to summon up more energy and face other emotional trials. You need to look after yourself. By the same token do not push yourself to smile when you do not feel like it or get up and out when actually you just want a duvet day this is a nightmare you , your mum and your dad have to get through both as a family and as individuals . Each of you has to get through this as best they can.
I got stuck in the middle too..my dad had Altzeimers and Parkinson diease and needed lots of care which historically my mum had provided. I was stuck with dual care needs and how to prioritise them. But worse than this was the emotional fall out. My parents had always been a loving couple , best friends in fact. They started to argue and I got caught in the middle.
Dad would call out for my help and I would be busy tending mum and she would accuse him of being selfish when she was dying. He would shout at her and say he STILL had Parkinson and needed help . It was a horrible time, I used to stand there horrified as they rowed . It was all such a waste when we had limited time left together. Everyone was exhausted, everyone was on the edge of their nerves.
My mum was a big personality and a real matriach she did not take kindly to her new vunerability either. She bossed me around and my dad around and nothing I did seemed right or enough..and my poor dad even more so!!!
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I try to look after myself, if I feel emotionally very drained I try to leave the visit for the following weekend, esp if I know my brother is going to visit. As I find the visits very draining and I take a few days to recover from it. Its hard cause I feel so guilty not going then… Luckily things have changed in my life now and I do not use alcohol or anything to “relax” or escape anymore. Its just not always easy to just deal with all that’s going on and think that is way I lost so much weight….
I get what you are saying about being stuck in the middle, I feel the same.
The other day I said to my mom, I wonder what is going to happen now that the chemo has stopped and that I am scared and she said, your dad is 74 he is going to die soon, everyone dies. I was shocked by her response but somehow I can also understand it.
Have a wedding this weekend and just not in the mood, will make the most of it, going with hubby and mother in law.
I am so scared I am not emotionally there for my daughter she is now 18 months old. I try my best.
But yes I do what I can and try to leave what I can’t.
I get what you are saying about being stuck in the middle, I feel the same.
The other day I said to my mom, I wonder what is going to happen now that the chemo has stopped and that I am scared and she said, your dad is 74 he is going to die soon, everyone dies. I was shocked by her response but somehow I can also understand it.
Have a wedding this weekend and just not in the mood, will make the most of it, going with hubby and mother in law.
I am so scared I am not emotionally there for my daughter she is now 18 months old. I try my best.
But yes I do what I can and try to leave what I can’t.
ledboots
Peace
Kassandra, huge hugs to you. Has your mom been in touch with hospice? If your dad is accepting of the fact that his disease is terminal, hospice can come in and help your mom tremendously. They came in each day for my dad, and at the end stayed 24/7. Some people have hospuce for years; it's not just for end-stage as people may think. And the pain control they use is top notch.
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His so much stronger after stopping chemo. Sleeping and eating better. Still gives my Mom grieve. She can't go out for a few hours without him guilt v tripping her.
I am going to visit Tommorow and already feel drained. cause also stuck in the middle.
I am going to visit Tommorow and already feel drained. cause also stuck in the middle.
Ann Chovie
Ploughing my own furrow
- Joined
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Hi Kasandra
Glad to hear that your dad has got through his Chemotherapy. He can now start to build his strength up as his apetite starts to return.
I am so sorry you are still stuck in the middle.
I think contacting the hospice is a good idea too as they may be able to offer respite care so that someone can sit with your dad while your mum catches a much needed break.
And for you...
Hospice staff can offer support and advice for you on how to cope with the akward dynamic you are part of.
At our local hospice the support staff are amazing, remember they have seen all this before and you can be honest with them about how you really feel.There maybe thoughts you have that you dont want to share with your partner or your mum and dad but which they will understand.
Carers have feelings of being trapped, used , unappreciated , resentment of the disruption to their own lives which they dont want to admit because it seems selfish when someone is suffering with cancer .
But they are valid feelings all the same and ones hospice staff will get.
Caring is tough dont try and cope with it all alone .
Thinking of you as always
Lesley x
The friend I mentioned in my previous post is definitely having care-giver issues, after the fact. She is full of what ifs and did she do enough. It's terrible that she would have guilt after everything she's been through. Luckily, we got to spend four days with two other friends and she was able to express some of the feelings you mentioned. She mentioned feeling selfish several times. We tried to reassure her that the feelings she had were normal.
Ann Chovie
Ploughing my own furrow
- Joined
- Apr 4, 2013
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No one but a carer knows how you lose yourself as a carer. Sometimes you feel invisible. People come to the house and bestow love and attention on the patient while you drag exhausted and emotional back and forth making drinks and smiling. Your patient is chatting and everyone tells them how brave they are. Which they are.
But they dont see the side that you see. When nothing is right or good enough or quick enough. Times when you are up six times a night to administer to a demanding patient. Or when you have to stand by brave and strong holding your loved ones hand when you can hardly bear to witness such pain and suffering.
No one sees that you have not slept or had time to comb your hair.
I remember countless occasions when thoughts shot into my head which were neither kind or charitable and after my mothers death I felt guilt that I had thought them.
But I know that it is unrealistic to think that tension will not arise.
No one becomes a saint either because they are dying or because they are caring for the dying.
Difficult Family dynamics still exist .Sometimes illness tempers them but more often it serves to bring them into sharp focus as we are forced into unnatural, unpredicted situations where the vunerable become the strong and vice versa and adjustments have to be made , however grudgingly.
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hi everyone - sorry for the late reply, at the moment I am just trying to get to my yearly vacation leave which start tomorrow, I am trying to not get too involved in my tension dynamic between my mom and dad, its not always easy but its gotta be done.
My dad is doing much better now, getting stronger, I just can't help thinking about the cancer thats there, lurking and waiting, his also got hip and bone pain but gets bone strenghting injections every month. Until end of February his going to receive nothing else accept the injections and pain medication.
This year has just left me exhausted.... aiming to build up energy for 2014...
My dad is doing much better now, getting stronger, I just can't help thinking about the cancer thats there, lurking and waiting, his also got hip and bone pain but gets bone strenghting injections every month. Until end of February his going to receive nothing else accept the injections and pain medication.
This year has just left me exhausted.... aiming to build up energy for 2014...
