Developing a thick skin

[RabbitLuvr]

Don't you think that sometimes it's not about excusing their behavior but rather choosing your battles or exercising some control over what you allow to annoy/bother you?

Yes, and it should be applied to everyone on the board, not just the few "troublemakers" that this whole debacle seemed aimed at.


Certain people are being asked to reign in their posting style, while not acknowledging that the posting style of other people is equally as troublesome. I have to say, I find Pickle Juice's posting style abrasive and at times very hurtful. I expect she may find my posting style overly emotional, maybe irrational. Who is the bully and who is the decent person? Probably depends on which side of the debate you're on, or whose posting style you prefer.

 

[Pickle Juice]

Yes, and it should be applied to everyone on the board, not just the few "troublemakers" that this whole debacle seemed aimed at.

You are completely in the wrong if you think I am above the rules here. I was reported for my bad behavior, and it was dealt with. And you know what? I don't even have a problem with the person who made that report. It's what they should have done.

Regardless of who is reminding people that we have a code of conduct that we expect people to follow, that code stands, and this "debacle" exists because a bunch of people actually resent being expected to stop ganging up on people and calling them names.

Certain people are being asked to reign in their posting style, while not acknowledging that the posting style of other people is equally as troublesome. I have to say, I find Pickle Juice's posting style abrasive and at times very hurtful. I expect she may find my posting style overly emotional, maybe irrational. Who is the bully and who is the decent person? Probably depends on which side of the debate you're on, or whose posting style you prefer.

"Certain people" are not being asked to "reign in their posting style". Calling people names and ganging up on them is not a posting style. It's bullying. Everyone is being asked not to. Fortunately, most of the people here don't do that anyway.

I think this is the fifth time I have made an account of my own bad behavior. I haven't once tried to run away from it, justify it, blame someone else, or deflect the focus away from me by trying to make other people look even worse. Anyone else ready to give that a go?

Tips on how to get these and other points across as clearly and concisely as possible, without altering their meaning, but without looking hurtful and abrasive, are welcome. There's not much I can do to stop people who dislike me and do not like what I have to say from finding it hurtful or abrasive, but I've seen better people than I am described in the same way, so I'm not too worried.

In any case, before people assume that posters they dislike are deliberately trying to be mean, just because of their "posting style", they better make absolutely sure before they lash out with flaming and name-calling. I should think the difference between an abrasive personal style and deliberate abuse is very easy to spot.

 

[Pickle Juice]

IS is not ignoring this issue. He's got a busy life, which is why he has mods to delegate responsibilities to.

If there are "bullies" on here shouldn't Indian Summer deal with this problem as he is the actual admin of this forum? I assume you think I am one of the "bitches" who turned up at the "huge *****-fest" as I dared to make my opinions known on this thread and forum.

You assume wrong. Ordinary people can ***** without being bitches. Quit trying to put words in my mouth.

 

[Freesia]

But this thread is not about stopping bullying. It is about developing a thick skin and becoming less emotional. That is what people objected to. That is what I objected to, anyway.

 

[Pickle Juice]

But this thread is not about stopping bullying. It is about developing a thick skin and becoming less emotional. That is what people objected to.

Well I'm the one who decided it needed to be about more than that. However, I don't see beancounter's intention in posting it as requiring people to become less emotional. It was a suggestion to people that they stop taking disagreements as personal attacks and acting upon this assumption.

 

[mlp]

Emotions are one thing. How we express them is another. That's how I interpret the underlying point of this thread.

You should give Beancounter some leeway when he talks about this touchy feely stuff - he's only a man, after all.

 

[Pickle Juice]

I liked this thread much better when it was about developing a thick slin.

 

[mlp]

I still want a slin. I wonder whether they come in different colors - I have a weakness for chartreuse at the moment.

 

[Freesia]

Emotions are one thing. How we express them is another. That's how I interpret the underlying point of this thread.

You should give Beancounter some leeway when he talks about this touchy feely stuff - he's only a man, after all.

I will give him leeway when he gives us leeway for not wanting to process our thoughts his way, and when he realises that some people here view the world in vastly different ways to him.

 

[beancounter]

I will give him leeway when he gives us leeway for not wanting to process our thoughts his way, and when he realizes that some people here view the world in vastly different ways to him.

I do not want you to do anything. It was a suggestion. A viewpoint I thought would be helpful.

If you disagree, just say so and move on, or just don't contribute to a thread if you feel it would be triggering.

I've said this a couple of times already. I don't understand why people just don't take it at face value and leave it at that.

 

[ledboots]

http://www.hsperson.com/pages/1Aug05.htm

 

[Freesia]

I do not want you to do anything. It was a suggestion. A viewpoint I thought would be helpful.

If you disagree, just say so and move on, or just don't contribute to a thread if you feel it would be triggering.

I've said this a couple of times already. I don't understand why people just don't take it at face value and leave it at that.

No leeway for you then.

 

[Freesia]

http://www.hsperson.com/pages/1Aug05.htm

Very interesting read. I am definitely a HSP.

 

[mlp]

I've tested out as a HSP (by a professional, no less), and look at me.

Seriously, I would hazard a guess that almost all veg*ns would fall in the HSP category.

 

[beancounter]

So you really have nothing constructive or meaningful to say then?

No leeway for you then.

 

[Spang]

Some people support the "Developing Thick Skin" bill, some don't. A couple of amendments (anti-bullying and be polite) have been added to the bill. There's also the don't-be-offended amendment. But I think the idea that people are offended simply because they don't agree with a person's opinion on a particular topic is nonsense, quite frankly.

If there's a problem with bullying or people not being polite, let's address that. But suggesting that people have a thicker skin does not do that.

 

[Pickle Juice]

Some people support the "Developing Thick Skin" bill, some don't. A couple of amendments (anti-bullying and be polite) have been added to the bill. There's also the don't-be-offended amendment.

I know of no forum that allows bullying and name calling, so these aren't amendments to anything, nor are they new rules.

But I think the idea that people are offended simply because they don't agree with a person's opinion on a particular topic is nonsense, quite frankly.

Well, since no one will be honest about why they feel the need to call people names, gang up on them, or tell them to leave the forum, for posting things like suggestions about how to organize the subforums, or mentioning the obvious biological physical differences between men and women, we are left to assume that yes, there is something so offensive to some people about having someone say "hey, maybe it would be better to have X subforum here," or "I would like to see us have a forum about _____", or "What about the differences in strength between men and women?" that they, upon reading statements like this, flip out and call people names and tell them to leave the forum or that they need therapy, and those who agree, but are without the guts to actually post anything similar, support these insults by using the "like" button on them.

If that isn't being caused by a tendency to see offense where none is meant, in the absence of any explanation from the authors of those reactions, maybe you can come up with a different explanation? This thread has plenty of examples of people flipping out over very simple, general, non-personal posts, and so does the rest of the forum, if you bother to look.

If there's a problem with bullying or people not being polite, let's address that. But suggesting that people have a thicker skin does not do that.

With this I agree.

 

[das_nut]

Whoopsie, wrong thread. Wrong forum, actually.

 

[SummerRain]

I haven't posted so far, but I'm going to summarise my thoughts, I hope it makes sense because it's a confusing thread and it's confusing me trying to respond!

But this thread is not about stopping bullying. It is about developing a thick skin and becoming less emotional. That is what people objected to. That is what I objected to, anyway.

I objected to this too, because I'm also a sensitive person, who doesn't feel the need nor want to grow a thicker skin. More so than the OP though, I objected to this being a "requirement for participating in this community.".

Really I think my feelings boil down to two things, either this is a general post aimed at everyone, in which case I guess this community isn't for me because I don't want to have a thick skin, or it is a personal post aimed at a certain group of people (which is the feeling I got) in which case, I don't think it's any better than the posts it's aimed at, in terms of being passive aggressive, and I think it's unreasonable it seems to have been endorsed by the admin/mods. (I genuinely aren't sure which is is.)

I agree that:

If there's a problem with bullying or people not being polite, let's address that. But suggesting that people have a thicker skin does not do that.

I personally don't think anyone needs to get the advice of growing thicker skin or anything else. I think the admins just need to decide what kind of a forum they want to have, if there is going to be a functional debate forum, and if so, lay down some enforceable expectations and rules.

Basically, I think the OP was not the right way to lay down a rule/expectation for the community. I'm not even sure that's what the OP was trying to do, but when PickleJuice said, presumably on behalf of all the mods, that this was a "requirement" for the community, and it was stickied [changed from: "and stickied it"], it looks like that is what it has become, and that is what I object to.

 

[Freesia]

This has been stickied? Oh dear god. Those Grumpy bastards will forever be rereading this thread and laughing at us.