Developing a thick skin

[Moll Flanders]

I might as well be trying to reason with a brick wall. I was trying to point out that we all as humans tend to get offended at some point.

I have no clue what you are talking about just to be clear about the other forum as I'm not a member.

Ugh, I'm going to bed.

 

[Pickle Juice]

Now I'm tempted to make a comment about tantrum-shaming, but that might not be a good idea.

 

[ledboots]

Now I'm tempted to make a comment about tantrum-shaming, but that might not be a good idea.

But you did anyway, didn't you.

 

[Pickle Juice]

I might as well be trying to reason with a brick wall. I was trying to point out that we all as humans tend to get offended at some point.

I have no clue what you are talking about just to be clear about the other forum as I'm not a member.

Ugh, I'm going to bed.

Well that seems to be at the core of the opposing sides in this debate. Some seem to think it's all about demanding that people refrain from taking offense, and others are saying it's not whether you find it offensive, it's how you respond to what you perceive.

All that is being asked is that people change how they respond to perceived offense. I am learning to do that, so I don't see why I can't ask it of others. Like I already said, it's not like I'm expecting other people to do something I'm not willing to do.

A handful of you continue to throw my past mistake up in my face, as if to show why you don't need to listen to anything I have to say on the subject. At least I have the guts to stand up and say I'm not perfect, I made a mistake, and I need to make sure I never again suggest to anyone that they change their username to Wormtongue. Which, as personal insults go, is pretty damned mild compared to some of the stuff I've seen from a few of my most persistent detractors.

 

[Pickle Juice]

But you did anyway, didn't you.

Yeah. I keep forgetting that folk here have no senses of humor.

 

[RabbitLuvr]

Well, when one of the points of this **** show of a thread seems to be "learn to refrain from posting things that could be seen as inflammatory or misconstrued,"* it seems like a bad idea to post something... that could be seen as inflammatory or misconstrued, and then blame others for not understanding your exact intentions.

*my own words, not directly quoted from elsewhere in the thread

 

[ledboots]

Yeah. I keep forgetting that folk here have no senses of humor.

I think many of us do, actually. Maybe it is a context thing.

 

[Pickle Juice]

Well, when one of the points of this **** show of a thread seems to be "learn to refrain from posting things that could be seen as inflammatory or misconstrued,"* it seems like a bad idea to post something... that could be seen as inflammatory or misconstrued, and then blame others for not understanding your exact intentions.

*my own words, not directly quoted from elsewhere in the thread

The point was to inform people that the way to handle something that offends you is to report it. Not to resort to calling threads things like "**** show", just because you object to the content. This thread wouldn't be nine pages of **** if the people concerned had understood post #18 on the first page, and could manage to say what they actually think instead of pussyfooting around with the not-so-clever insinuations.

 

[RabbitLuvr]

The point was to inform people that the way to handle something that offends you is to report it. Not to resort to calling threads things like "**** show", just because you object to the content. This thread wouldn't be nine pages of **** if the people concerned had understood post #18 on the first page, and could manage to say what they actually think instead of pussyfooting around with the not-so-clever insinuations.

You wanted to teach us a lesson about not pussyfooting around by pussyfooting around? Clever.


Edit: Oh I see in post #18 that confronting the person should be the first option, but now you're saying reporting it should be first. Which is it?

 

[ledboots]

I want to make it clear that this isn't just personal advice that members can take or leave if it doesn't appeal to them, and it doesn't just apply to this section of the forum.

We have a problem with several people who either cannot or will not see a difference of opinion as just that - a difference of opinion. There are way too many unfounded, untrue, cruel, and hurtful accusations being made against people whose opinions go against the norm here. It has to stop.

So this isn't just advice. This is the requirement for participating in this community.

If you perceive an attack, report the post. Do not retaliate.

If reporting posts isn't your thing, ask the other poster for clarification before you assume they are launching an attack. A civil question will engender a civil answer. If it does not, report the post.

If confronting a perceived attack isn't your thing, and you won't report the perceived attack, ignore it.

Do not engage in passive aggression, and do not push at the boundaries we have set for what constitutes personal attacks, seeing how much insult you can indirectly fling at someone without actually breaking a rule. This is transparent, and you are not fooling anyone when you engage in it.

This is still a small new forum. Maybe we have been around for almost a year, but that doesn't mean much as far as forums go. We all need to think not just about our personal issues, but about how our public squabbles and rude behavior impact this forum. We are all here because someone is gracious enough to provide this space. Lets start remembering to show some gratitude for that. We don't all have to love one another, but we do have to be civil, if we can't manage to be kind.

Ok here is your post #18 that should have ended the thread, according to you. I have some unresolved questions about it.

You authored it. Have you followed your own requirements (as stated above in your Post #18) in the very thread that you proclaimed bannable offenses?
Have you been gracious? Civil? Kind? Have you directly or indirectly flung insults? Passive aggression anywhere?

And what unfounded, untrue, hurtful accusations were you talking about being flung about the boards in Paragraph #2? The flipping makeup thread?

 

[mlp]

What in this post are you construing as "pussyfooting around", Rabbitlover?

I want to make it clear that this isn't just personal advice that members can take or leave if it doesn't appeal to them, and it doesn't just apply to this section of the forum.

We have a problem with several people who either cannot or will not see a difference of opinion as just that - a difference of opinion. There are way too many unfounded, untrue, cruel, and hurtful accusations being made against people whose opinions go against the norm here. It has to stop.

So this isn't just advice. This is the requirement for participating in this community.

If you perceive an attack, report the post. Do not retaliate.

If reporting posts isn't your thing, ask the other poster for clarification before you assume they are launching an attack. A civil question will engender a civil answer. If it does not, report the post.

If confronting a perceived attack isn't your thing, and you won't report the perceived attack, ignore it.

Do not engage in passive aggression, and do not push at the boundaries we have set for what constitutes personal attacks, seeing how much insult you can indirectly fling at someone without actually breaking a rule. This is transparent, and you are not fooling anyone when you engage in it.

This is still a small new forum. Maybe we have been around for almost a year, but that doesn't mean much as far as forums go. We all need to think not just about our personal issues, but about how our public squabbles and rude behavior impact this forum. We are all here because someone is gracious enough to provide this space. Lets start remembering to show some gratitude for that. We don't all have to love one another, but we do have to be civil, if we can't manage to be kind.

 

[RabbitLuvr]

What in this post are you construing as "pussyfooting around", Rabbitlover?

I'm on my phone now and can't (won't) multi quote.
PJ made an inflammatory joke. She was called out on it. She replied that she was trying to make a point about reporting things. (After saying other posters couldn't take a joke.)

 

[mlp]

Edit: Oh I see in post #18 that confronting the person should be the first option, but now you're saying reporting it should be first. Which is it?

If you read the post in its entirety, rather than taking select phrases out of context, I think you'll be able to answer your own question. I've bolded the parts that summarize the process:

I want to make it clear that this isn't just personal advice that members can take or leave if it doesn't appeal to them, and it doesn't just apply to this section of the forum.

We have a problem with several people who either cannot or will not see a difference of opinion as just that - a difference of opinion. There are way too many unfounded, untrue, cruel, and hurtful accusations being made against people whose opinions go against the norm here. It has to stop.

So this isn't just advice. This is the requirement for participating in this community.

If you perceive an attack, report the post. Do not retaliate.

If reporting posts isn't your thing, ask the other poster for clarification before you assume they are launching an attack. A civil question will engender a civil answer. If it does not, report the post.

If confronting a perceived attack isn't your thing, and you won't report the perceived attack, ignore it.

Do not engage in passive aggression, and do not push at the boundaries we have set for what constitutes personal attacks, seeing how much insult you can indirectly fling at someone without actually breaking a rule. This is transparent, and you are not fooling anyone when you engage in it.

This is still a small new forum. Maybe we have been around for almost a year, but that doesn't mean much as far as forums go. We all need to think not just about our personal issues, but about how our public squabbles and rude behavior impact this forum. We are all here because someone is gracious enough to provide this space. Lets start remembering to show some gratitude for that. We don't all have to love one another, but we do have to be civil, if we can't manage to be kind.

 

[mlp]

I'm on my phone now and can't (won't) multi quote.
PJ made an inflammatory joke. She was called out on it. She replied that she was trying to make a point about reporting things. (After saying other posters couldn't take a joke.)

I'm not sure what you're talking about, so I'll wait for clarification.

 

[Freesia]

Ugh. I had good sushi but now the arguing is worse. I will attempt to sum up.

1. I still dont understand why Beancounter thinks it was a good idea to start a thread alluding to the personalities of people. I have never gone up to him and said "Hey Beancounter, you should be more _________ . Because to me that would be rude. So why he thought it was a good idea to do this I dont understand. But nobody is perfect, everyone makes mistakes so I guess I will have to view it as such.

2. Indeed nobody in this thread is perfect, we have all been in situations on this board where we have either offended others or taken offence and perhaps had a meltdown or two.

3. I hope that people can come to more of a place of understanding about all of this. Not easy though.

 

[RabbitLuvr]

I'm not sure what you're talking about, so I'll wait for clarification.

See below, though it would have been easier if you'd just read up thread.

Now I'm tempted to make a comment about tantrum-shaming, but that might not be a good idea.

But you did anyway, didn't you.

Yeah. I keep forgetting that folk here have no senses of humor.

Well, when one of the points of this **** show of a thread seems to be "learn to refrain from posting things that could be seen as inflammatory or misconstrued,"* it seems like a bad idea to post something... that could be seen as inflammatory or misconstrued, and then blame others for not understanding your exact intentions.

*my own words, not directly quoted from elsewhere in the thread

The point was to inform people that the way to handle something that offends you is to report it. Not to resort to calling threads things like "**** show", just because you object to the content. This thread wouldn't be nine pages of **** if the people concerned had understood post #18 on the first page, and could manage to say what they actually think instead of pussyfooting around with the not-so-clever insinuations.

 

[RabbitLuvr]

Also I don't even know why I bother to continue posting in this thread. It perfectly obvious that anyone who disagrees with Pickle Juice will be told they just aren't understanding her, while she calls out others for doing what she herself does.


Oh, and if the intent was to drive some of the "concerned" persons away from VV, I can assure you that's already been accomplished.

 

[mlp]

See below, though it would have been easier if you'd just read up thread.

So all of this upset goes back to post #162? Thank you for clarifying that.

 

[Pickle Juice]

Huh? What? Inflammatory jokes? I'm totally lost.

Ok here is your post #18 that should have ended the thread, according to you. I have some unresolved questions about it.

You authored it. Have you followed your own requirements (as stated above in your Post #18) in the very thread that you proclaimed bannable offenses?
Have you been gracious? Civil? Kind? Have you directly or indirectly flung insults? Passive aggression anywhere?

And what unfounded, untrue, hurtful accusations were you talking about being flung about the boards in Paragraph #2? The flipping makeup thread?

Um, since when have I said anything about bannable offenses?

Yes, I have followed my own advice. I have done my best to remain civil, reasonable, and to refrain from calling people names and being rude. As I have already said, there is no nice way to tell someone something they don't want to hear. Especially if it is coming from someone they dislike. You can continue to perceive me in this negative way if it makes you feel justified in your offense, but that doesn't invalidate what I have to say about the impact this kind of behavior has on this forum.

Not too long ago you were under the impression that I say what's on my mind, rather to resorting to passive aggressive behavior. Not too long ago you found a remark hurtful enough that you were prepared to leave this forum because of it. Do you imagine that you are the only person who relies on mods to sort things out here? Do you really think that if you don't find something offensive, no one else should? I know people here who are sticking around in the face of a lot more abuse than you've ever received here, and they aren't presuming to question you over what you find hurtful. I wonder why you feel you are in a position to dismiss what they might find upsetting.

I honestly don't know what I've ever done to merit your scrutiny. I guess maybe I should have tried calling you a misogynist as well instead of trying to put a stop to something I believed you found hurtful. I really am utterly bewwildered at this point.

 

[beancounter]

1. I still dont understand why Beancounter thinks it was a good idea to start a thread alluding to the personalities of people. I have never gone up to him and said "Hey Beancounter, you should be more _________ . Because to me that would be rude. So why he thought it was a good idea to do this I dont understand. But nobody is perfect, everyone makes mistakes so I guess I will have to view it as such.

It was a general advice thread. Something I thought would be helpful, given recent events. It had nothing to do alluding to personalities or a personal attack. At any point in my OP did I mention anyone by name, like you did above?

Again, it was an opinion. Take or leave it. It wasn't worth 10 pages of justifying why people should be offended or "I have the right to be offended, whatever.

It just boggles my mind how it could be so blown out of context. If people don't agree with it, then just move on. What sense is there in carrying on page after page trying to validate how offended you are.

How people reacted in this thread reminds me so much of VB, I'm having deja vu.

Going a few rounds with you know who, would actually be refreshing at this point.