How to deal with "why are you so quiet?" questions

[Tom L.]

At a class I took for work, where we were discussing various personality strong points, we started talking about introversion and extroversion one day. Both ways are perfectly good in their own right, but introverts and extroverts sometimes really rub each other the wrong way, at least until they learn to understand each other. To introverts, extroverts might seem shallow, vain, egotistical, or overbearing (although they're not necessarily), while to extroverts, introverts might seem rude, cold, or self-centered (which again, they may not be). Both introverts and extroverts can be genuinely caring, warm, decent people- but while extroverts are energized by being around people, introverts often feel drained of energy in the same exact situation and really need time alone- solitude- to recharge themselves on a regular basis.

I'm an ambivert, as well as kind of eccentric, and sometimes feel awkward dealing with people, so I try not to get offended or mad about something someone says or does unless I'm quite sure the person is knowingly being an *******.

One point that came up with my class though: introversion and shyness are not the same thing.

 

[Snowcone]

I just channel Thugnificent when inquiring minds ask such questions concerning my talkativeness or lack thereof:

 

[Katrina]

The only time extraverts rub me the wrong way is when it becomes apparent they think you need to be just like them or else something is wrong with you. I can usually tell right away if someone has that attitude. I ran into it last week at a group I go to regularly. They were new people doing it, so they made themselves look like asses. You can't show up to a club where you are the only new person, and proceed to treat one of the members as if they are stupid. I stayed calm and looked at them, not saying a word, until they became uncomfortable and changed the subject.

I've been thinking more and more about this, wondering just how aggressive I should be. I've been thinking of saying something like "it's okay for people to be who they are" or "yeah it's a common misconception that introverts need to talk more, but it's just a different personality type that is in the minority and that's why it is highly misunderstood. It's not wrong. It's just different." or if someone tries to "correct" what they think I am doing wrong, I could say 'well you tell me I'm not acting proper, but you're the one insulting me when you've just met me. I guess that's proof that being an extravert doesn't automatically make you better at talking to others." or "sometimes it's nto the quantity but the quality."

Not sure if those responses might be too intrusive or aggressive, but seriously. I am shocked sometimes at how rude people can be. If you have the nerve to tell someone you think they suck at talking, then you need to look long and hard at yourself in the mirror and figure out who really sucks. here's a hint: it's you.

 

[ledboots]

It is nuts how people decide how you should act. I'm running into problems with some of our medical assistants because I "don't say hello and goodbye enough". And don't eat the millions of doughnuts and cookies. Etc, Wtf.

 

[sequoia]

You don't owe anyone an explanation for being the way you are. I'd either ignore the question or just shrug. And you're right, it is a rude question.

 

[Freesia]

, while to extroverts, introverts might seem rude, cold, or self-centered (which again, they may not be).

As an extrovert (well not an extreme extrovert) I dont think introverts are any of those things, I just wish they would say more stuff because so many of them have an air of being intriguing and intelligent and interesting. But not everyone likes to talk a lot.

I can be quiet too in some environments. When I am with my family I am really quiet because they are always talking about things I know nothing about (sport, omni cooking, boating or other interests which I dont really know much about).

It is weird because not all extroverts are talkative. Some of the types, like ESTP and ESTJ for example tend to be very busy and hyper and arent necessarily saying a lot of things but they are just everywhere at once.

And my type, ENFP can sometimes be talkative but other times be very quiet. It is a kind of awkward type.

 

[Photojess]

I'm never told this either, but my patients can certainly "feel" me on a certain day, if I"m not my usual self smiling. I'll get a "what? No smile today?" and that usually puts a smile on my face, as I know I'm not looking upbeat for them......unrelated but oh well.....I like some of the responses you guys came up with.

 

[Ann Chovie]

My go-to response is a big smile and "because I know there's no chance of having a decent conversation here"

Wanted to deliver that one at my works do tonight and nearly did many times but decided that those asking had only my best interests at heart.
I did try .. Honestly I did. After all I am the office joker the one with the banter which is fine at work . But at a party what the hell can I say that you would want to hear? What can you say that I want to hear? Such pressure struggling to make appropriate comments that I resort to alcohol which is becoming a default this week of festivities!
I don't mean to offend you but you will be more offended if I speak I think

 

[nigel1]

I've had to deal with this my whole life and I still can't think of a good response. IMO it's rude to put someone on the spot like that. How would they like it if I asked them "why do you talk so much?"
Anyway, I'm going to an event this weekend with tons of people, and there's a good chance this will come up. It's a friend's celebration, so I'd rather not be snarky.

Responses I've thought of so far . .

"I enjoy being the fly on the wall."
"I'm doing it on purpose to annoy you!"
"If I tell you that, I will have to kill you!"
"I like to maintain my aura of mystery"
"I like to be the Silent Bob of the group."
"It's a personality trait. Some of us are more quiet than others." (Would it be too condescending to say that? It's true though, and I have a feeling it would make them feel stupid and shut up.)

Then of course there is well-intention but ignorant "You should talk more!!!!"
I'm thinking of saying something like

"If you want me to talk more, I'd be happy to answer whatever questions you have for me."
"Says who? Who made up that rule?"
"You should talk less"
"I disagree"
"Oh okay. Thank you for your opinion."
"It's okay for people to be who they are."
"Thanks, but I'm happy just like this."


What do you think of my responses? Any other ideas for me to try?

Just look them in the eye and say, "I have thunder in my head"

 

[Clueless Git]

I don't mean to offend you but you will be more offended if I speak I think

I tried that one with 'white van Stan' at Shifty Abdul's Delhi-Belly emporium, if you remember?

Admittedly no furniture was thrown but despite Stan having sworn on his turmeric stained beer mat that he would not take offence, causing no offence wise, it wasn't a total success.

 

[Ann Chovie]

Wanted to deliver that one at my works do tonight and nearly did many times but decided that those asking had only my best interests at heart.
I did try .. Honestly I did. After all I am the office joker the one with the banter which is fine at work . But at a party what the hell can I say that you would want to hear? What can you say that I want to hear? Such pressure struggling to make appropriate comments that I resort to alcohol which is becoming a default this week of festivities!
I don't mean to offend you but you will be more offended if I speak I think

Worked out how to be quiet without being asked why. Be quiet but loud. Works in a party setting I can confirm.

Basically jump about a lot and singing to the music being careful not to speak just smiling and nodding does the trick.

On all accounts avoid the kitchen where the world is being put to rights over spare ribs and you are asked if you want food to be saved by a kindly and very knowable party goer who tells them that you can't you are a veggie and passes you a cheese and pineapple instead.

As you collect your coat you will be beamed at and presumed to have had a very jolly time. Once outside stand and scream and promise yourself however lonely you get you will never do this again because its worse.